"supportive" mother fails to ever show it

Even though it's been six months maybe she just needs more time. I know that sounds so dumb and unfair and ridiculous but when you really think about it, not really. It took a vast majority of the posters here years to come to terms with it. We can't reasonably expect our parents to immediately get over something like this. As a parent you have hopes and dreams and expectations for your children, and she's probably mourning some of them now, but she doesn't have to, not really.

You've done everything right and honestly there isn't anything else you can do. With time she'll come around. Don't let her drive you back into the closet though. The worst thing you can do right now is pretend that everything is alright or smother yourself out of some misguided notion of sparing her feelings about it.

EDIT: I also think that maybe you should tell her what you just told us. Honesty is the best policy.

 

Perhaps it is what Kidd said. I never hated gay people at all, and I thought people should be supportive of gay people, but I was in denial for like a year. Maybe her mind is just having a hard time adjusting.

 

Support doesn't necessarily mean the conviction to read a book or anything like that.

Maybe she is lazy.

If she had said that she will love you and support you and that you were her favorite son, at least she will have had made that goal/resolution in her heart, that she will had had to have put faith into your mother-son relationship. She may not know you, you throw books at her. Try to simple convey that information by talking to her or another method.

 

Well ya I just want to reinforce Kidd's post, it has taken yourself many years to become comfortable with who you are and it will take many more years for your parents to be that too. The best approach is to give her time, sooner or later she will come around.

But remember you don't want to go back into the closet again so stay firm about who you are and let no one change that of you.

Kind Regards, Hidden.

 

I'm agreeing with Kidd and Wellhidden. I took a long time to come to terms with myself and I live with me every day!!!! Some people deal with reality by NOT dealing with things. No, it doesn't make things better, but it is a coping mechanism for some. Give her time to come around. If your mom loves you, she'll love you and accept you because you are her son, gay or straight. Give her some time to start loving this aspect of yourself, too.

 

Some parents don't want to change. My mother is the same way. She's told me she is fine with who I am, but she's not going to support the community i'm a part of, or that she'd ever go to Pride. Fact is she has a bad opinion of the gay community. I wish you luck with your mother, but please don't be surprised if she doesn't change. I don't know how old your mother is, but the older one is, harder it is for them to try and change to something new...

 

For what it's worth: I can commiserate wholeheartedly. It sounds pretty similar to the situation between me and my mom.
95% of the time, we get along marvelously. I can talk to her about anything from "what to eat tonight" to our opinions on the current government's tax increase. If I'm feeling insecure about my job or wondering how to solve a disagreement with a friend, she's there. I can even bring up issues like gay rights and we can discuss.

However, I can not, under any circumstances, bring up that I'm gay, or she''ll go to improbable extremes to avoid the topic. Pretending she didn't hear, random changes in topic, going off to "see if she left the oven on", and if all else fails, just completely ignoring me.
Oddly enough, she isn't explicitely unsupporting either. She was accepting enough when I came out, posed the normal questions, was disappointed I didn't tel her earlier etc. But from 24 hours after that (2 years ago) until now: Don't ask, don't tell.
To the point where I'm functionally in the closet if I ever run into any of her own friends, and avoid the topic instinctively when I'm around her, even if it would be relevant.

Quite frankly, I have been wondering why I spend so much time at her place biting my tongue when I could spend it at my own place with friends that I don't have to worry about extreme avoidance with. Probably because I get long with her well the rest of the time, and my sexuality isn't my most defning trait anyway.


Anyhow, I didn't come into this thread solely to bitch about my own situation (though I'll admit, it does feel good to do so ).

I do believe you're doing the right thing here, though: being open about being gay and not hiding it, no matter whether or not she wants to be openly supportive. If you can't have active acceptance, passive acceptance is still not a bad position to be in (way better than non-acceptance by a longshot), as long as you don't ever let it force you back in the closet.

My friends also have a theory (yes, I bitch to this to my friends to the point where they have theories ) that my mom will probably come around more if I ever bring a boyfriend home. At that point, it won't be a theoretical exercise in imagining that her son is gay, but she'll notice that it isn't really a big deal or something to be avoided. Especially if she notices my boyfriend just is an average guy himself.
Fundamentally that still fits under "not hiding it", though, and I'll admit I haven't done that either for lack of a boyfriend I can bring home for dinner.

So yeah: no advice except: keep being open about it (in fact, I'm going to make being more open my own new year's resolution for 2012), and hope that with time the awkwardness will lessen.

 

>>>I’ve given her these books, try to bring up being gay occasionally, but she seems to resist all attempts. Any other suggestions?

Yes - stop trying.

It's clear your mother is uncomfortable with some aspect of your sexuality. This is a shot in the dark here, but I'm guessing that your mother's thought process is that "your sexuality" equates completely with "what you do in the bedroom (and with whom)". So let's jump into your mother's skin for a while. Picture your siblings or cousins coming out not as "gay" but as "I like to do (specific kinky activity) in bed". And now picture them discussing it frankly and openly on a regular basis with their friends, or around the dinner table. "So how's the heavy bondage going?" "Great. I found a new dominatrix, and she whipped my ass raw last night, and I had the most amazing orgasm ever." Stuff like that.

My guess is that this is how she's viewing it. She's "supportive" - to the degree that she doesn't feel you SHOULDN'T be like this, and that "if this is what makes you happy, good for you". But she's obviously VERY uncomfortable talking about it, or dealing with it. She's from the previous generation, where perhaps people simply didn't talk about this stuff. And it might be easy to think "Well, we talk about it all the time now", but it's clear that she's very uncomfortable doing so. And as much as you like want to drag her into the 21st century, even if you get her there, it doesn't sound like she'll enjoy the trip.

So what should you do? Accept her. Accept that this is how she is with your sexuality RIGHT NOW. Take the more open acceptance and support you get from other sources, and don't expect it from her. Remain open to telling her how you're doing, and once you get a boyfriend, keep her in the loop on that. It seems that having a real-life human boyfriend seems to help break down the mental blocks in others. You cease being a "guy with a weird sexual kink", and you become a "guy who's dating this other nice guy".

Lex

 

What Kidd said. You should really try to talk about how you feel about it with her at least once.

I also agree with that what probably works best is to let it be for now and give her more time to deal with the whole situation.

I will say that I was in your situation right after I came out and I took the route of forcing the subject down my parents throats because I didn't want to deal with the "elephant in the room" situation. Looking back at it I was pretty freaking annoying with the whole thing, but I can't say I regret it, though, because right now I don't have to worry about hiding anything about my life. If you decide to keep on insisting with your mom about the subject just know that it is a pretty bumpy road. For me, the 6-7 months right after I came out were complete hell at my house. It isn't for everyone and it also changes depending on how your mom deals with situations.

Either way, try to enjoy everything else. Enjoy that she is somewhat supportive and thank her for it. Thank her for staying by your side even though you know it makes her uncomfortable. Tell her how much it all means to you.

 

I think you're trying too hard to make her some kind of advocate or activist. The truth is, not all of us want to do that. There are plenty of others to foot that bill.

 

:roflmao: florist... leave it to a mom to pick out the man that would be most suitable for HER needs...

Anyway, I'm glad things are going better with your mom. It makes sense that she doesn't know how to talk to you about it. I think that's pretty common.

Strangely, many people don't seem to get that just changing some pronouns around doesn't fundamentally alter the question you're asking.

And of course, it would be nice if she could ask how you are adjusting to being out, and everything like that.

But she's a little uncomfortable. Just remember that she's decided to be supportive, and she's trying. When there is something you want her to do that she isn't, you might consider just asking her--she can't read your mind. This is all new to her.