Question to those who realized their true orientation later in life.

You are newly out to yourself, I take it? Yeah, that can be strange. Hey wait--that means me!

The best thing I can tell you is, in most situations, you will feel better if you assert yourself. Speak from your experience as a bisexual person, and confront them directly. Even if it makes things a little uncomfortable at first, you will feel that you have been true to yourself. Of course, while you are completely closeted, this will not be possible. Only you can know whether coming out is feasible for you at the moment. I would encourage you to try to arrange your life in a way that it will be possible.

In other situations, you may need to continue your past policy of avoidance--particularly any situation where you think you might be in danger of physical harm, or worse, put other loved ones in danger. Then it may be time to button up and get out of there. This is not ideal, as it can leave you feeling bad about yourself.

As you still aren't out, you may want to at least be sure to voice your genuine opinions about issues like gay marriage and DADT. That, at least, you should be able to do without coming out.

Of course, coming out itself is the most significant thing you can do. You have to do it at your own pace, though. Start with just one person.

 

Yes, I suddenly got the revelation that all the 'gay bashing' comments I shrugged off before are about ME and it shocked me too.

I try to defend gays (and myself of course) when my friends gay bash by saying that everyone has the right to love who they want to (and usually hide my rainbow bracelet behind my other hand when I do just in case). I'm not really very confident.

 

If it helps, I know a ton of straight allies who are legitimate in their support of gay rights. Human empathy is a strong emotion, and the idea that people would be treated in a less-than-satisfactory way is enough for people to think, "That could be me." It's the golden rule on an introspective application. People will deffend other for the sake of being deffended. They can actually feel for your cause, even though they've never gone through the same thing.

 

Sounds about right. And if you ever need someone to talk to, even just to blow off steam with no intention of seeking advice, I'm here. Of course I always have an opinion too, which I am more than happy to share.

 

Hmm...

I prefer to think of it another way - that the majority of the world IS like you, whether they know it or not, whether YOU know it or not.

Sexuality is sexuality, whether it's straight, gay, bi, or other. People love each other, end of discussion. Taking an "Us vs. Them" approach is like a form of exclusion that the haters take, only you're excluding YOURSELF in that statement. (Or at least it seems so, I could be wrong. I'm wondering if you still have a lot to adjust to in your self-revelations.)

In short, you don't have to learn to deal with straight people as a bisexual OR as a straight person... you deal with people as people and take it from there.

 

I hate bringing this up, but I basically made the leap by separating myself from the rest of the homosexual population. "Gays" were those effeminate squealy promiscuous guys who only cared about "their rights". *I* was just a straight guy who was into other guys. It took me some time (and some patient people) to re-align my thinking.

Lex

 

Well I came out to myself about my sexual orientation when I was 20. I doubt you consider that later in life but I still felt what you did. I remember watching Lisa Lampanelli stand up and she went through her usual jokes, the blacks, the Mexicans, and of course the gays. When she got to them I kind of had this surreal moment where I realized she was talking about me.

It took me a while to get over this. Honestly, it may sound cliche, but I really got over it by owning my "identity" and making it a thing I can be proud about.

 

Actually when I think about it, when I first came out to my best friend, the very next day he was telling me gay jokes. I didn't find it insulting at all. It was just his way of getting me used to talking about it. He'd bring it up in conversation all the time, I think to force me to acknowledge it and not sweep it under the rug. (I'm very quiet IRL.) I remember that I walked around in a fog for several weeks, outwardly appearing to act normally, but inwardly feeling as if I had been re-wired. It was as if I had landed on some alien world and I had to somehow get used to how everything worked all over again.

As J_Snow put it, it was very surreal. It took time to accept that this is who I am and be able to be relaxed and okay with it, instead of feeling like I had committed some kind of heinous crime. Having friends who acted as if nothing were amiss really did a number on my head for awhile.

 

i love you all, thank you for sharing

 

Honestly, I have to echo a couple of us here and say that I've found many hetero friends who are very supportive and accepting (as opposed to merely "tolerant," a status I find ambiguous at best). I often end up being the token gay guy in my group of friends wherever I end up - I'm not in the kind of career that a lot of gay people find themselves in - but in general I've found nothing but acceptance. Even friends who want to ask me questions about being gay come off as honestly curious and eager to learn about others, as opposed to "window shopping" for identities or examining me like I'm in a museum.

That said, there are also many heteros I meet that are more "tolerant," or even dismissive, of gay people. Needless to say they aren't good friends of mine. :lol:

I think the thing to remember is that, just as there are many different types of gay people, there are many different types of hetero people too. "Straight but not narrow" applies to a lot of my friends, in their attitudes towards others if not their sexual orientations. So treat hetero people the same way you'd want them to treat you - like people, individuals, however you want to put it. Be honest and up front about yourself, give them a chance to surprise you, and some of them will do just that.

 

I like your question and the discussion going on here. I've been going through a lot of the same shifts in perception here, too. But the biggest has been that the most of humanity is not completely gay or straight...but we're all shades in between. "Straight" people are in denial that they could be sexually attracted to the same sex. And I've seen some angst among "gay" people struggling with feelings for the opposite sex.

But I have always been upset by prejudices of any type. I cannot understand intolerance for people different from the "norm." It gets me so angry: I can't watch movies with depictions of bullying, etc. I guess I always identified with the downtrodden and the minority. And now, I'm one of 'em! (I've always been: it's just that now I can admit it to myself!)

 

I am out to myself for about 3 months after 2 decades of suppression. I now feel suddenly offended by my families constant anti-gay remarks. I don't feel I can tell them due to the pain it would cause me, then to them when I try to estrange myself from the family. Then back to me when they won't let me go. I would have that sense of shame knowing what they would really think of me. My family is super Evangelical. It's as if being gay is the worst sin that a man can commit. I know it has nothing to do with sin as much as people being disgusted by homosexuality. That disgust they feel results in me felling shame. So, I'm not out and continuing to get older and feel more alone than ever.

I think the younger crowd has it a bit easier when coming out. They don't have to deal with a past of lying to people trying to be something they are not then surprising them. Also their are more out younger people than older since the time they grew up is different, meaning it is easier to find someone they are compatible with. I'm not trying to belittle their problems, as it is difficult for all of us, but I think older LGBT's have it more difficult.

I have no idea what to do, so you are not alone.

 

I certainly didn't mean to suggest anybody should go the route I did. It was just the path I ended up taking, and perhaps what kept me from getting horrified at any anti-gay rants sent my way. But then again, I never took that stuff personally. Still don't. When my brother told "fag" jokes, I didn't picture him with his fists curled, ready to gay-bash anybody who came his way. I just pictured him not knowing what the hell he was talking about. And once I came out to him, the jokes stopped.

Lex