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Oh God.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Elii, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. Elii

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    Hey my name is Jack and I'm 21 years old. I have a problem. I'm kind of embarrassed about it but I need to get their out in the open somewhere anonymous cause its bugging the hell out of me. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Generally I'm a normal guy. I don't dress in weird fashions or anything and theres no implications as to what I am based on whats about to be said below.

    So I have always been kinda stumbled regarding my sexuality. Im always trying to convince myself that the female is 'allegedly' the more pleasing to the eye, and the mind. I'm coming to realize, its just not. And obviously theres nothing I can do about it.

    Now, getting over that fact that I may have discovered likely one of the most life-changing aspects about myself, is the 'easy' part... i guess.

    I grew up in a christian household. My parents are uber-religious, and to them, same sex attraction is considered a condemned individual. My Dad has told me to my face that gays are unnatural and its against every property in the bible. He would never accept one. Ive also always joked around with friends saying stuff like "She's got amazing breasts", "I'd tap that" and other really crude talk as confirmation to them that I'm secured. Ive kind of dug my own grave but everyone I know would be completely opposed to the idea, and thus, me.

    And I think this is always why I've been to freaked out to talk to people that I'm interested in. If I talk to a woman, its a fake, unpure interest. If I talk to a guy, Its pure but its against everything I've been taught from birth, and repulsive to everyone i know.

    I Don't know exactly what I would like advice on, anything really. I have no idea how to go about this and its been teasing me forever. Im sick of it.
     
  2. IanGallagher

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    There's nothing wrong with you man. If God didn't want people to like the same sex - we wouldn't like the same sex, thus in my mind there's no way it can be a sin. Society is the one with the problem, it's not you. I don't know what it's like pretending to like girls, since I'm bi, but I do know that a lot of gay guys have similarly pretended to be straight - thus it's not that big of a leap from going to making remarks about girls to admitting to actually liking guys. If someone can't accept that, then it's a problem with them and them alone. As said, you're normal just the way you are.
     
  3. Gravity

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    First of all, hi Jack, and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    Everyone, that is, except you. You've already come a really long way on your own. Being able to admit this to yourself is no small feat, so congratulations for that. Don't be afraid to go after something - even if it's just a flirty conversation with a guy you like - if it's what you know, in your heart of hearts, you really want.

    As far as coming from a religious/conservative family and having friends that think you're hetero: I definitely hear where you're coming from, I have a similar family, though maybe not quite as bad. There is definitely some tension though. From what you've said, your dad may not be the best ally, but what about others? Mom? Other parental units? Siblings? Not everyone in my family is thrilled about me either, but enough people are supportive that being home is more pleasant than not.

    Nobody here, at least, will assume you do unless you tell us otherwise. One of my big sticking points is deciding what being gay means for YOU, not what it means for other people. So if you wanna wear jeans and a t-shirt, go for it. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Nightmaric

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    Hey there is no need to be embarrassed. I can relate to the normal guy who no one would suspect kinda deal. I knew what it's like to have religion used against you and having no way to defend yourself.

    My advice is simple. Give it some time. Obviously you are confused and that's perfectly natural. There is a chance you might be gay however you could be straight. However, make sure you explore these feelings a little bit before you do anything. Now I'm not asking about getting yourself a guy and taking him to a motel room. No. Entertain the idea and try and make sense of it more. It seems like you are already doing that. Which is great. If you truly believe that men are more pleasing to the eye try looking at some more sexual material to see if it sparks anything. Now, you don't have to even do that just try picturing yourself in a relationship with another guy. Then, do the same with girls. If one sparks more than the other or they are the same you'll find your answer. And if you are dead set sure that you aren't entirely straight still just be a little slow with this.

    If your family is this against homosexuality I would advise you not to tell them or friends if they are similarly against it. Your financial and physical well being is more important at this stage. However, you do need to fuel the mental side. Try posting a little more on here or going to a therapist. Therapists are legally bound to not divulge anything with anyone unless you are to kill yourself or others.

    Finally, remember that if you are gay that there is nothing to be ashamed of. True parents would love their kid unconditionally and true friends would stay loyal. If you ever find yourself at the end of your rope know that there is an entire community online and in real life who will care for you and help you get on your feet.

    Now I don't want this to sound any more PCA than this as I don't normally give much advise but please just know that you can talk to anyone on he's and I'm sure youll find people more than happy to help you through your situation.

    I really hope this helps and isn't too long. (I'm doing this on an iPad so I can't really gage it)
     
  5. jake v

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    To start off welcome to EC!

    Next, there is nothing at all wrong or unnatural at all with you. Basically I think the best thing for you to do right now is to watch two of the movies that helped me the most. "For the Bible tells me so" was one of the best movies I have seen and really helped me with my faith and sexuality, this one is on netflix and YouTube. Next "Prayers for Bobby" was a very emotional yet close to home hitting movie that I really liked and the only free place to view this is on YouTube.

    Don't worry about your parents, mine were the same way but once I came out they slowly began to change. It is always terrifying peeking through the closet door, but once you step out its really not that bad. You're gonna make it through this I promise you. It might be tough on the get go but it can only get better.
     
  6. Elii

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    I was just getting ready to go to sleep. I posted this about an hour ago and already I've gotten so much feedback. And honestly, its the first time I've revealed this (to anyone), and getting such positive replies. Thank you so much!

    I completely agree! Im not just losing my mind! However, I know my parents would still bring up some sly reply. My Dad is amazing with this kind of stuff, and with words.
    I won't lie. These past years, the whole faith thing has been diminishing more and more as I think about the circumstances, and how theres some really controversial material.
    Thats not really relating though I guess. sorry, I'm just kinda fuzzy with my thoughts atm.

    :/

    Legit. Both my Dad's side, and My Moms side are hardcore devoted.
    Me and my cousin (roommate) are likely the only ones out of my two families who don't devote ourselves as strictly as everyone else...

    Thanks, ill check it out.


    This website is amazing.
     
  7. Kidd

    Kidd Guest

    I always say this to new people who are in your position. It's obvious but it still needs to be said: some boys fall in love with other boys and that's perfectly ok, and some girls fall in love with other girls and that's ok too. Anyone who says otherwise are the ones with the problem, not you or me or any other LGBT person. Plus, there are thousands and thousands of documented instances of homosexuality in different animal species all over the world. Go ahead and Google search it if you want. What's more natural than nature itself?

    And, by the way, a lot of LGBT people are 'normal.' It doesn't mean anything except that you can pass for heterosexual when you want to. A lot of gay people insist that they can't possibly be gay because they aren't flaming when that definitely isn't true. It sounds to me like you've been under that same assumption.

    I agree with Nightmaric that you should give it some time and explore it a little bit before you do anything else. Eventually if you do come out you should definitely save your family for last. Tell friends first and build a system so that when the time inevitably comes to out yourself to your family you have people you can rely on for comfort and support.
     
  8. Chip

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    Hey, Jack!

    Welcome to EC. As you've already found, it really is an amazing community. And there are lots of people here who have been in your exact situation. Some have been surprised and their parents have (usually begrudgingly) come around and been supportive of their children once they realized it was that or lose contact with them entirely. Sadly, a handful of others have not have acceptance from their parents.

    But I will tell you that there are an awful lot of very religious parents who, faced with a difficult decision, choose their children over their religion, even if it takes them time to reconcile.

    I strongly recommend you get a copy of "Prayers for Bobby" ($4 on itunes, and maybe on Youtube). It's a powerful and true story of an uber-religious parent and her gay son.

    And... EC is here for you. As you'll find out, there are many, many people just like you, some going thorugh what you're going through now, and some who have already been through it and are happy and healthy and well adjusted.

    Stick around, and keep us in the loop about what's going on for you... and feel free to contact me or any of the other advisor team if you'd like to talk with any of us individually.
     
  9. J Snow

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    Hey, welcome to the site =)

    I wish I had some significant advice, but unfortunately my coming out hasn't been perfect, and to be honest I probably should have done some things differently.

    My parents had me attend Catholic school for 13 years, so I can certainly relate with the family life. I came out to my parents about my sexual identity when I was 20. It was the worst night of my life, and my parents and I have never talked about it since, (and I'm living at home with them =/) but I don't regret it. I might have for a while, but its done and over with, and that's a good thing.

    My friends aren't always supportive exactly, they still make gay jokes and that kind of stuff around me, but I've never encountered a friend who has expressed any real issues with my sexuality. Bare in mind that this is considering that the majority of these friends I met in the Catholic education system.

    I've only been out for a year, and things aren't so bad (besides still being confused as hell about my gender identity). I've got the rest of my life ahead of me though, and so do you. Things seem scary now, but rest assured, they are not hopeless.

    I've never seen "Prayers for Bobby," but I will second that "For the Bible Tells me So," is a must watch.

    Best of luck (*hug*)