To be always a disappointment

im so very sorry

 

It takes two people to create disappointment: one to have expectations, and one to not meet them. It's understandable that your boyfriend feels disappointed, because he set his expectations unreasonably high. Wanting you to not wear your piercings? Wanting you to call him all the time? Wanting you to stop talking with you friends? Wanting you to quit LGBT sites you enjoy? It's his own damn fault he's disappointed with you: he put all these expectations on you that no sane human being would ever try to meet.

From what you've written here, it's clear to me that your boyfriend is controlling and attention-starved; that's not your fault. You couldn't meet his unreasonable expectations, and it's good that you didn't, because that kind of relationship would not be a healthy one, especially for you.

You made the right choice resisting all these things he wanted you to do. I'm proud of you.

 

To echo Owen, you did right. You have the right to your own life and he's controlling, and has no right to be. I'm proud of you too. It's hard to stand up to those we love.

 

Dump his ass. Best advice I could offer.

 

Run from him while you can. This level of control freakery almost certainly means he's up to no good. Notice how he's trying to cut you from all the places where you can get a second opinion: your friends, Internet, etc. Why does he need you to call him as often as possible? Is he afraid that you'll learn something about him you wouldn't approve of while you're not "on the leash?" Why he manipulates you with his "disappointment?" Why he needs you to feel like a failure when yo're not? Only to "re-educate" you, indoctrinate into his ways whatever those are. No other explanation (Ok, maybe there is, - he cheats a lot. These are also all standard anti-affair discovery tactics.)

You're not his sex toy to be manipulated as he pleases. Cut all the contact with him. Don't try to find out what he was really up to. And warn everyone you know against him. I've seen those types in action and it NEVER ends well. Never.

---------- Post added 28th Dec 2011 at 07:45 PM ----------

ADD: "Never ends well" as in a close friend being on crazy pills and her life ruined thanks to one such guy. Don't go there, however tempting it is.

 

What exactly was HE bringing to the table? Other than being somebody who could set out some qualifications for you to attempt to fulfill?

If I was chatting with a friend - on skype, on IM, in real life, on the phone, doesn't matter - and that friend started nodding off...I would tell him "Wow, you look really beat. You want to head for bed, and we'll talk tomorrow?" Because friends care about each other, and not just about "how you can fulfill the needs I have", y'know? The fact that he felt his "need to cam" was more important than your need for sleep tells you that he's an asshole, or at the very least, was acting like one. And you have the gargoyle's permission to tell him as much. If he wants this relationship to continue, he can just go ahead and revise his expectations.

Lex

 

Woah.. get outta there fast! This man is obviously controlling, and I say you should leave him while you're not very attached, You've dated him what, a week? Leave him. You'll find someone so much better, and you should never have to hear that you're "disapointing" or whatever. Guess what, this dude is disapointing, and you know you have better expectations.

 

I would say good for you for dumping him. I know it probably sucks but its for the best. And as for tell him. I would just call him and say its over just so he knows and doesnt try to call you all the time.

 

Hey, I'm sorry he put you through that. (*hug*) I know how it is to feel like a disappointment, though I feel like I am to my family. Its not a good feeling.

You deserve someone who loves you as you are, not someone who tries to change you.

 

Snuffy, give it a day or two and when you're ready let him know clearly "I don't think this is going to work out." You can write it if you want or call him. He will probably ply you with questions but just go back to "We're very different and I don't think this is going to work out" or any variation. Wow, I'm proud of you man. You are a strong guy. Good on you. Based on your tenderness, you will DEFINITELY find someone special Peace, Me

 

Yea, they're good at looking all honey... Only they aren't. That guy you fell for, he doesn't really exist. He's an artificial persona created by manipulative lying liar, who just gets kicks out of playing mind games with people. Seriously, I may be over-reacting due to that story with my friend, but my creep-o-meter's readings are off scale on this guy, and I wouldn't rule out any kind of nastiness.

 

It's easy to fling advice not being in (or even having been) in your situation, but here goes.

I can echo everything everyone else says. He seems (or at least seemed) like a controlling jerk. His behaviour was disrespectful and quite frankly inexcusable... and usually I'm decent for tolerating crap from people I care about.

I can appreciate someone apologizing after they acknowledge they've done something to hurt the other person. The key is after they've acknowledged the wrong. I assume that isn't the only thing he's texted/talked with you about, but from that, there's nothing that indicates he realized what he did wrong. If he doesn't know what he did wrong, it doesn't matter whether he's sorry or not; he's just gonna do it again. At the absolute least, if you aren't going to break up with him (because it is your decision) you NEED to make it very clear what he's doing that is simply unacceptable in a relationship between two equal people.

He said it himself; he's desperate. He says he sorry. Anyone in a desperate situation will say whatever they need to say to get out of the corner they're backed into (we've all been there). All I see is him:

- pleading for you to not leave
- saying that he's really sorry (to tide things over, he doesn't mention what he did)
- saying that he's mad at you because you made him upset

To be honest, it sounds like nothing but empty words. But again, I don't know him or his situation; none of us do... only you can make that judgement. I still go by what I said before though, regardless whether you break up with him or not, you HAVE to make sure you communicate exactly what the problem is to him. Otherwise this is just going to happen again in the future.

Good luck to you though, let us know how it goes. Even if he doesn't want you on sites like these, remember that we've got your back (in whatever way we can).

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EDIT: You say "your heart wants to stay with him". The only thing we know about him is what you've told us about, and to us, he seems like a jerk. Maybe try explaining to us what is so good about him, and why you care for him so much. If nothing else it might help you sort out your own feelings just by getting them all out.

Don't get sucked into caring for him just because he holds the title of "boyfriend", particularly if he's your first, you're probably more prone to getting attached. It might sound harsh, but it doesn't matter much what "title" people have in our lives; it doesn't matter whether they're your parent, sibling, teacher, boss, lover, etc... a bad person is still a bad person. If they're an important person in your life, it might make it worthwhile to try and work with them to change things to make it better for everyone else, but it definitely isn't any reason to tolerate crap from them.

People who care for you will hang around. Those that don't will fade away eventually. There is no sense in making yourself suffer the negativity of these "bad people". At the end of the day, you have to live with only yourself... and that's hard to do if your self-esteem is under attack all the time from other people (let alone yourself). Be selfish; put yourself first.

 

Sigh, I've seen this a couple times in my lifetime, and I know it's hard to read but you're in an abusive relationship. I don't know how everyone else feels, they've touched on the controlling aspect, but the fact is it is abusive. Preventing you from talking to your friends, telling you to quit the LGBT sites, getting angry over you falling asleep, telling you he's disappointed in you, everything is signs of an abusive relationship. Perhaps not physical abuse as you haven't said he's ever hit you or anything, but this is an emotional/psychological relationship. The best thing I can say is cut all contact with him, he doesn't even deserve a "break-up". Block his number (if you can, i know not all cell phones can block numbers), delete him from Facebook, e-mail, msn, everything. Do not respond to him. If you see him walk the other way. Just completely cut him off, and don't play into his "I'm sorry for last night, I didn't mean it" crap. It's just another form abusive people use to guilt you into feeling sorry for them and thus walk back into their arms. This is your life, not his, and your choices are going to be what shapes it, not anyone else's.

I wish you luck and love and I hope you can get out.

 

Probably late to the party on this, but he sounds possessive and that can become very dangerous (especially of you're "especially disobedient" in his eyes). I would very much consider leaving him, no matter how badly it hurts. It will be better, and maybe even safer, for you in the grand-scheme of things. Stay strong, sw33theart, and don't give up!