I'll preface my venting by saying that it's just that: venting. Not attention-seeking, advice-fishing, or any other attempt at garnering some temporarily ego-stroking words from online people (as lovely as I know you all are!). And I'll follow that by saying that I have no aversion to kind words, however, if you've got them, and I will take to heart any sound advice you may give. But anyway. If you've seen any of my posts before, you'll know that I'm no stranger to faltering self-esteem. I slip very easily into self-consciousness and a feeling of unworthiness or inferiority. Moreover, I long for partnership periodically; when I do, I end up with this pseudo-teenage-girl-wanting-Edward complex, where I see really...great...people and think, "Why can't I have one of those?" In these times, I don't long for some hot, gooey relationship (erm...well...) so much as I do for someone I would find decent to like me. I don't have what it takes to get someone to. It's kind of sad, really. And really selfish. I was watching Eating Out 3 yesterday (a very classy movie), and I saw a good analogy I thought was apropos. Casey (scrawny, but good looking), was despairing over how much he liked Zack (a veeeeery attractive man) but did not feel good enough to get his attention. He said something along the lines of, "If he always gets prime rib, why would he settle for a turkey burger?" (Yeah, it's a movie, and a silly one at that, but still. Work with me.) I am that turkey burger. This is quite shallow, but I don't like looking at myself. I mentally cower before those with more physical prowess and want to evaporate when someone like that actually looks at me. I place so much stress on the way I look, and I hate it. The sole way I've so far managed to glean any iota of confidence so far is by telling myself I'm okay and by avoiding every mirror I can. Literally. But as soon as I see one, BOOM. There it goes: self-deprecation. It really tells me that the only one telling me anything insulting is my own damn self. I know it needs to be me opting for the attitude and choosing to like me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't doubt my core abilities. I don't think I'm slime who doesn't deserve to live. I know I'm a capable person. I'm nice, friendly, approachable, and goddammit if I'm not intelligent. I've got a flare for French. I'm artistic and pretty versatile. I'm going to university next year partially on a scholarship I didn't apply for. I have nothing to fear in my consistently comfortable life. I'm overall happy. But feeling inadequate in one shallow department can push all that to the back of my mind and make me feel infinitesimal and hopeless. I know I'm deeper than that, though. Wow. Reading that makes me feel like a whiny teenager. >.> Now compliment my Photoshopped boobs and tell me I'm pretty. But there you have it. It's a really rudimentary first-world middle-class white boy issue, I know. It isn't depression, it isn't a domestic issue, it isn't devastating loss. It's just...well, a whiny teenager. But one that really felt the need to get this off his chest. And I know it'll get better. I know that if I stick it out, someone great will eventually come my way. For now though, you have my angst. Thanks for reading, whoever you may be!
story of my life i hate sounding like a whiny person as well, but i kind of think of it that everyone whines about something at some point so what kind of person would tell you you're whining is selfish and stupid, a hypocrite . everybody needs a good rant every now and then.
You've just depressed the hell outta me. Good luck, I'm off to work out till I can convince myself that I'm comfortable.
...now I feel like a whiny teenager. Which in turn makes me feel worse, cause usually I can pride myself on being mature and clear-headed. Blah. But I can relate. I'm a pretty good candidate mentally; like I said, I'm mature and rational and all that fun stuff. Intelligent, and funny (if you're into what I'm into). Respectful, considerate, helpful, etc. All of that is covered. Physically though... that's where I feel like I flop. I wish I had the solution to this. The last couple years my self-esteem has been better, partly because I've lost a lot of weight (unintentionally). But I think along with that came the mentality of "who cares what everyone else thinks". I know deep down I still care about what other people think about me, particularly people I'm interested in. I think it becomes a case of "fake it till you make it". If I pretend long enough to be okay with what I look like, I'll eventually believe it. Some sort of cognitive dissonance in a way (for anyone who's studied psychology). Honestly, I think lurking EC has given me a bit of hope too, even if I don't 100% believe it yet. Being closeted, I haven't and don't date. So I can do nothing but hope that what everyone says here is true (or at least those who have been around the relationship thing already), that different people are attracted to different things. I'm certainly not the most stereotypically attractive person, and I'm not attractive by my standards of what I'm attracted to... but I gotta hope that there's someone out there who's attracted to what I have to offer (and I also find attractive ) Eh, self-esteem is tough stuff, to say the least.
