I was hanging out with some cousins and my dad watching tv, when this show comes on which was a debate with some politicians. One of them is supposed to be gay because he acts feminine and isn't married. We were talking about random stuff when my dad says that he would never vote for him, not even if he got paid. Then he said that he wasn't anti-corruption but anti-maricón (which is a very derogatory term against gay men, similar to faggot). Everyone laughed and I just became silent. I just wanted to scream "Yeah? Well guess what? Your son is gay!" But I know that that's not how I wanted to come out. I've always known that my parents wouldn't accept me, but it still hurts a lot when I hear comments like that. I know that if they knew I was gay, they wouldn't say those things, but that wouldn't stop them from thinking them. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them I'm gay. I don't want to be more of a disappointment to them as I feel I am now. My mom is always talking about how she wants me to get a good wife, and to have a lot of children. And every time she tells me this I die a little inside because I wish I could fullfil their expectations but I know I can't without forcing myself to live a life that I don't want. I'm just waiting till I finish college so I can raise enough money to move to a faraway country where I can live without hiding anything. I don't think I can bear the pain of telling them who I really am. It would break their hearts. I live in a society where a gay person can't be happy, can't have a family. They are just doomed to be hiding. And as I gets older, it gets harder to hide who I am. Everyone keeps asking why I don't have a girlfriend and I just laugh and tell them that it's because I've never been in love yet. But I don't know how much longer that lie is going to be believable. Oh well, I'll guess I'll just have to be patient. Maybe someday I'll be able to be myself.
It seems that you have a plan and I do suggest you follow it. I agree with you that you should not let your parents dictate how you live your life or having to meet their so called expectations. Maybe one day, you can let your parents know who you really are. Think of it as an investment for yourself: you're delaying present gratification in order to increase future gratification.
Duriru, I am so sorry that you're having to deal with that from your family. I can't imagine how painful it is to hear those words from your father. If you can't attend university in the U.S. now maybe you can try to do some study abroad here or elsewhere in a few semesters. Unfortunately, you'll hear "maricón" used by many hispanos but I would suspect that countries like Mexico and Argentina would be the most open. Study hard and plan ahead for a year or two of study abroad to a place where you can be free to explore life without fear of repression. I love my hometown and alma mater, so I can definitely suggest studying abroad at the University of Texas at Austin. If you're wanting to emigrate to another country, choose a field of study that you can market later when looking for a job. Just be smart and stick to a plan, I like what Suracis stated in his post. In the meantime, is there anyone near you that you can talk to? If not please keep writing here because it has helped me immensely and the people are genuine and caring.
I'm so sorry you're having trouble with your family like that. You can talk to us if you need to talk. Or someone you trust. Or a helpline. My mum, who knows about me, still makes thoughtless comments sometimes. We were kidding around one dinnertime and she was talking about her perfect world, in which I would ask for more homework, etc... and bring home a nice man who is a perfect gentleman. I know she didn't mean anything by it but it just hit me hard. So I guess my point is that even after they know they can be a little thoughtless at times.
Thank you all for the advice . I can't really change university now, because I've already been here for almost two years, and I'd have to start over (I'm a med student, and it's eight years here, so a little more than six years to go lol). But I think I've heard something about being able to do some trimesters abroad in an affiliated university, but I'm not sure. I'll find out when I get back from vacations. I hope I can, so I can do one year in another country, so that way it'll feel like less than eight years. Although eight years sound like a lot, it's just when I'm on vacation that I get really stressed (I go to college three hours away from where my parents live, so I just see them like once a month for a couple of days and on vacations). When I'm at college I'm more busy so I spend less time thinking about my problems. My plan is just to wait till I finish med school and then do a surgery internship somewhere in Europe, maybe England (there's something I've always liked about there, but I don't know what it is lol) and afterwards just live there. I've already talked to my parents about me living wherever I do my internship, and they're ok with that and told me they will support me to achieve that. I can't really talk to anyone about these kind of stuff because, although I know most of my friends would accept me to some extent, I'm very sensitive to criticism and a little paranoid so I'd be always thinking they're talking behind my back. I know it'll eventually get better. I'll just have to endure the next years, and who knows, maybe I'll find the right moment to tell someone who I really am before I go.
(*hug*) It sounds like you have your head in the right place to me. And if you can't speak to your friends, you can speak to us!
As long as you have familial support, I wouldn't change things too much. Buenos Aires has a large, accepting gay community. And most places in Europe would be more tolerant, too. So time abroad would be good. You might want to respond to those people urging you to get married or get a girlfriend by saying, "I don't have time for a girlfriend: I'm in medical school." (My daughter's boyfriend has used that excuse for a long time and it works.) Do not let societal pressures make you do something that you don't want to do. Best wishes. Stay strong. PS: Parents sometimes soften when they learn they're own child is gay. But don't count on it! Sometimes they turn even more hostile. So be cool around them.
Thanks, that's a great idea, although I doubt it'd work with my fellow classmates lol. I'm just gonna try care less when people ask me that or make comments that make me uncomfortable, I do tend to get too worried about what people may think/say but I'm gonna work on just not letting them get to me.
I think we all worry more than "the norm" just by being/having been closeted; I know I personally find myself over-analyzing not only everyone else's behaviour but also my own. Fake it till you make it! The only way you're gonna get better at handling uncomfortable situations better is by doing just that, so keep at it. It'll come with time. P.S. -> YOU HAVE A DARKER THAN BLACK AVATAR. You're my new favourite person.
Duriru, Tu historia me recuerda un poco a lo que he vivido. Mi papá también decía cosas denigrantes cuando veía a un gay en la tele, cada que un portero despejaba gritaba PUTO!! para que se escuchara en toda la casa, o se burlaba de cualquier hombre afeminado que salía en la TV. Hace 6 meses le dije que soy gay y desde entonces no ha vuelto a hacer algún comentario de ese tipo... Ser gay no es algo de lo que hable conmigo NUNCA pero por lo menos se que respeta y se guarda sus comentarios. Tienes que pensar que cuando nuestras familias hacen este tipo de comentarios los hacen porque en nuestra cultura burlarse de los homosexuales, hacerlos menos es costumbre y está bien visto. Pero ellos no saben que sus comentarios nos hacen daño. Si lo supieran dejarían de hacerlo. Quizá nunca simpatizen con la idea de ser homosexual, pero serán más sensatos. Nunca decidas que harás en la vida basándote en darle gusto a los demás. Aprende a hacerte feliz a tí mismo. Espero eso te ayude, ¡mucha suerte en lo que decidas hacer! Sorry, I felt the need to speak in spanish, words would be more fluent and touching like this.
yea sounds like packing up and moving once u finish college is a good idea. you know your family better than anyone on this website and you know su pais mejor than us so all i can say is, if you want to leave, get the hell out of there once you can save up. you are probably hot (muy bonito/guapo) and will do very well in the states or whereever you end up.
