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I don't want to be gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kellymporta, Dec 29, 2011.

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  1. kellymporta

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    Hello people, I hope you're enjoying your holidays. :slight_smile:

    During these past few days I've been sharing a lot with my family. I celebrated christmas with my dad's family and I'm enjoying the visit of some relatives that live abroad. After all that time being around my family, I can surely say that I don't want to be gay.

    The thing that bothers me the most is that some of my cousins are already married (and considering to have children) and they are only a couple of years older than me. I think I should just find a serious girlfriend and make my entire family happy.

    I realized during my short time here at EC that my attraction towards woman is not big enough to consider myself bisexual, but I think I still have more attraction towards women than the average gay guy. So if I have some small attractions towards women, is it really that bad to try to get myself into a straight relationship? And, how do I get myself into a relationship if I never practiced my flirting skills?

    Personally, most days I think the best option is just to stay single for life, but some days I think I would like to have a family of my own. I know that probably I would enjoy having a boyfriend if being gay was not a big deal, but as the song says it clearly, you can't always get what you want.

    As always, sorry if I'm asking things too frequently and sorry if my post is difficult to understand (spanish speaker here).
     
  2. needshelp

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    happy holidays to you too. forget about your family, your friends, and everyone around you. let's talk about you.

    at the end of the day, how do you feel about this? i can't really give you that much advice on this subject because i'm in the same position as you except i'm getting really close to fully accepting that i'm gay and that i always have been and will always be. but anyway, how do you feel about it?

    you know that you don't have any attractions to women. you want to but you don't and that's okay. there's nothing wrong with that at all. you may find a woman good looking, feel free to look but at the end of the day, they do not do it for you. guys do it for you. don't be afraid to like guys. that's who you are and that will never change. a part of being gay is to just let yourself be yourself. deny it all you want, it's still going to be there and you can chose to reject it or accept it. the more you accept it, the better you'll be. your friends and your family are not you. pretending that you're straight as in going out on dates with women to just please your family and friends is not going to make you happy. in fact, you might feel burdened because you're living a lie even if you're denying that you're gay to yourself. think about yourself for a second. don't worry about coming out the closet or any of that yet. you can be afraid, feel disgusted with yourself but you have to just go along with things. come out to yourself. it's okay to be gay. the worst thing you can do to yourself at this point is to knowingly fall back into a lie because you care about what people think. there's a better life for you and it'll start when you just let go. you will never be straight or bisexual. just let it go. you don't have to tell everyone around you that you're gay. it's okay as long as you know you are and are willing to just say fuck it, you are who you are and just go to living your life. you'll still be you.
     
    #2 needshelp, Dec 29, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2011
  3. kellymporta

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    Thanks for the reply needshelp.

    I think that having a family of my own with kids and everything would make me really happy. Regarding to how I feel, I think my desire for a normal family is greater than the desire to get a boyfriend. Also, if I build a good friendship with a girl but don't find her attractive, is it really lying? I mean, there is more to life than just sex.
     
  4. Mogget

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    There's more to life than sex, but for most people, sex is something they want very much in a romantic relationship. It isn't fair to be in a romantic relationship without having sex unless you make it clear pretty early on that that's how it's going to be.
     
  5. TheEdend

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    Being gay isn't easy, no. It can be tough and it can seem impossible to be gay and also be happy. Yes, sometimes it might seem easy to go ahead and marry the girl in order to make your family happy, but in the long run its actually way harder to pretend to be something that you are not.

    Getting a girl, marrying her and having kids is actually pretty simple. Not a big deal and a lot of closeted gay guys have done it in the past. The hard part is everything else. If you are truly thinking about it then you have to think about some other questions that you would have to live with he rest of your life. Will you be able to cheat the woman you marry from a "real" relationship with another man? Would you be able to lie to her everyday about being gay? Lets suppose one of your kids comes out gay later on, will you still keep it a secret? Will you blame yourself? Will you accept them? How are you going to handle the urges to be with a guy through out the years? Will you cheat?

    A lot of people, me included, have been in the position of deciding whether to come out or to pretend to be straight so I know where you are coming from, but I just want to make sure you know that you are thinking about it since its a decision that you will live for the rest of your life.

    You can also go ahead and ask guys who have married a girl, had kids and then decided that they had to come out later in live. Ask them questions and see what you can learn from them. We have a decent amount of guys here who are open to questions and you can always PM s5m1 or Jim1454.

    You can still have a family if you are gay. You can still have as many kids as you want, the love of your live by your side until you are old and all the family vacations/holidays as you desire. None of it goes away because you are gay and you can still follow every single one of your dreams.


    I know it might seem impossible right now, but there is nothing wrong with being gay. None of us started being happy about finding out that we were gay. Many of us actually started hating the very fact. Give yourself time, keep posting and keep asking questions :slight_smile:
     
  6. Ianthe

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    It's terribly unfair to the girl for you to go into it knowingly. Eventually, she will find out the truth and the fact that you aren't really sexually attracted to her will be deeply painful to her.
     
  7. kellymporta

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    But what if I told her (or hinted her) that I'm bisexual? She would know I like guys so not too much secrets in this scenario.
     
  8. WeirdnessMagnet

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    And that bright idea is why genuine bi guys can't have nice things...

    This blatant self-interest aside, what, exactly, does it change? You're still gay and still implying you're attracted to her when you clearly aren't. AND you're making genuine bis life a bit harder everywhere. Do you really want that?
     
  9. Chip

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    You've asked 500 variations of this question, and you always get exactly the same answers. I know it's hard to hear, and you may yet have to ask it another 500 times to be able to really own the answer, but it will be the same no matter how many different ways you ask.

    No, it isn't practical or remotely respectful to consider starting a relationship with a woman. You'll be miserable. Read the posts of some of our many older members who are trying to extricate themselves from marriages they now know they should never have entered and you should get an idea of what's in store. Trust me, it won't work.

    And "hinting" (or outright saying) that you're bisexual would also be a lie, and *incredibly* self centered. You're pretty clear, at least according to how you describe your attractions, and what you list yourself as on your profile, that you're gay. So it's totally disingenuous, not to mention disrespectful, to represent something else to a prospective girlfriend just so you can have one. Think about it... how would you feel if someone lied their ass off to you to induce you to go out with them? Golden rule and all that applies :slight_smile:

    So while I could be wrong, I'd wager that your "I have more attraction toward women than the average gay guy" is much more about denial and trying to rationalize with yourself than it is about what's really going on in your head. This sounds like classic "bargaining" in the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance).

    Last piece is... why do you feel that having a family and 2.3 children and a house with a white picket fence requires you to marry a woman? This is 2011, and there are quite a few gay couples raising kids and having the exact same domestic life that hetero couples have. So really, I think the real issue is just about being OK with who you are, worrying about what others will think, and all that. That's really normal stuff, and I think once you're past it, you'll see just how happy and well adjusted you can be.

    So... what's it going to take to own who you really are, and whom you're attracted to, and quit lying to yourself and possibly massively screwing up some poor girl's life?
     
  10. Revan

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    This. I've been in a relationship for a year and four months, we've only had sex once in the entire time and foreplay four times spanned out with like three or four months in between. The friendship between us is good. But I'm breaking it off partly due to other reasons of course, but also because I can't get by on a sexless relationship or in turn a sexless marriage. I'm not saying it should be all about sex, but having sex is something that is fun to have and a true expression of the intimacy and passion between you.
     
  11. Hexagon

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    Be happy and be true to yourself. You are gay, not bisexual, as you've basically told us outright. So don't marry a girl.

    You can have basically the same life with a guy as with a girl. In some places you can't marry, but in many you can. You can have kids. Don't worry about your family, because if they don't accept you and your bf, then they don't love you unconditionally which is what parents are supposed to do.

    Also, any girl you marry doesn't deserve to have that done to her.
     
  12. JoshB

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    I understand where you are coming from, I too struggle with my extended family, especially my three of my five older cousins, two of which are married, one has two kids, and the other's wife is pregnant. There are people in my extended family that I would not, and probably will not ever tell, they will just have to figure it out, just because of the sheer fact of who they are as a person.

    With today's technology, there isn't one clear cut way to have a family. Today, you can get a surrogate (with in vitro and embryo implantation), or even adopt. There are agencies every where for those that want kids, and today, many are gay-friendly.

    Here's what you do, build your support system (friends that you trust, etc.), and allow nature to take its course, that is it will take time for you to accept you complete for who you are. As what has been posted before, you are still in the denial stage, and I remember how horrid that stage of coming to terms with myself was. You'll make it through, give yourself some time, and don't worry about your family. It's one of the best things you can do for yourself, be accepting of yourself and others, and give yourself some time. However, letting it sit inside of you for an extended period of time will eat you alive.

    Lastly, staying single for life is not usually a feasible option, as your mental and physical self can usually be affected by this. Doctors say that it can help you, just ask Dr. Oz:

     
  13. kellymporta

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    I know gays can have their own families, but it's not the average type of family. I mean, it will still attract the attention of everyone. I find gay couples and gay families heart warming, but it's just not for me. As I have said in previous threads, I don't want the extra attention that comes while being openly gay.

    Actually, I do believe that I have more attraction towards women than the average gay guy. After all, I don't find the idea of having sex with a girl completely disgusting. The idea may not turn me on, but with the help of medicines like viagra I could probably survive the experience and maybe enjoy it. Also, people say that once you get married the frequency of sex goes waaaay down. I guess my question now is for married gays here on EC, why couldn't you keep your straight marriage? What was the thing you hated the most to actually prefer coming out later in life?

    Finally, thanks for all your replies and sorry if I sound too homophobic, I really don't want anybody to feel insulted with my posts.
     
  14. Revan

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    No...no...no I'm going to break this apart piece by piece.

    Unless you're parading around in speedos, making out with your partner, and such, you're not going to "attract extra attention". Most people won't care, so unless you're in a relatively unwelcoming state or something, they're not going to care.

    You just said it yourself "The idea may not turn me on, but with the help of medicines like viagra I could probably survive the experience". You want to survive sex with a woman and use unnatural (nothing against those who do use viagra) means just to "survive". When you have sex it should be because you WANT to, you're not trying to survive, you're doing it because you want to do it with the person or person you love (I say just person as in hook up which I doubt you'll be looking at but still). The thought you even want to do that to a girl/woman is frankly ridiculous and clearly shows your selfish. I'm sorry to be mean but it's true. You don't lead a girl on, use viagra to have sex, when really you just want to get through it but not actually don't want to do it. I don't think sex with a woman is disgusting, I watch straight porn sometimes, BUT I know that I couldn't have sex with one because it wouldn't be REAL love. It would be artificial and hurt her.

    And no, the people who say sex goes waaaay down in marriage are those in relationships that probably either won't work or just don't want sex with their partner. Sex may also only slow down later in life as one gets older because of a potential loss of stamina, which can also be when viagra may be used because the man wants to have sex with their wife of 30 years or whatever but he just has difficulty getting erect.

    And as for the comment about the married guys, obviously I can't speak for them, but from reading their threads and such, it seems the reason most of them decided to come out later in life wasn't cause they preferred coming out later in life, they did it because they either couldn't face being gay, and so tried to live a straight life, or because they just maybe had thoughts of it when they were young but passed it off until later in life they realized who they truly were. And the reason they couldn't keep their straight marriage was because they couldn't keep hurting the person they loved nor keep the lie going any longer.
    (Again I don't know if this is true, the married gay men on here will have to back me up or dispute this)

    I don't think anybody is insulted, I think we all are just worried for you. We don't want you doing something that isn't healthy for you. Please understand, you are going through a stage of denial, due to the way society is. Do not worry about your family, do not worry about your cousins, that is their life, worry about you and your happiness. You can think you'll be happy but later down the road I can tell you you will become more and more miserable. I really do hope you make the best choice. <3
     
  15. jimL

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    I spent the last 23 years being married and I knew that was gay when I was 11 years old. I just came out to my family and friends this last june. I am 57 years old! All I can say is that you will never be truly happy with your life if you decide to live it as a straight person. Yes it is hard being gay. It is hard living life as a gay man. But it will be harder living a life of hiding and keeping this huge secret. Let your heart lead the way!
     
  16. DhammaGamer

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    Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

    Listen to yourself. Cut the denial and the self loarhing and the insecurity and stop trying to lie to yourself and the world. It would be devestatingly cruel to put some poor girl through hell just because you camt come to terms with your sexuality. Wake and smell the roses. You're gay, and there is nothing you can do about it. Learn to accept yourself or spend the rest of your life living a lie.
     
  17. Zontar

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    I completely understand. To be frank, I don't really like the idea of being the standout "gay guy" of the neighborhood, or circle of friends, or whatnot. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say other than "get over it". I had to tell myself this very same thing; if I was ever going to live half-satisfied with myself, I had to "get over it." Some of us have the one thing that places us in the minority. You're gay. That defines you. People are going to see you this way because that's the way you are. It sounds very much like you want people to percieve you as straight. There aren't any black people or other races who can just hide their race and desire so desperately to be white and fit in with the majority. When people see them, they see someone of a different race. Nothing short of a cumbersome and completely ridiculous costume could stop them from doing otherwise. And when people see you, they are going to see a gay man. Unless you spend your entire life wearing a cumbersome and completely ridiculous costume, you're going to be "the gay guy". Early in life, people of color learned to suck up the discrimination, get over it, and live the way they are and be better for it. If you're ever going to be happy, you'll have to be like me and try to get over it. I'm sorry if this disappoints you, it was no better coming to the realization myself.

    Also, the minute I heard you want to take Viagra just to have sex is the minute I knew you're already sliding off the deep end. Are you even listening to the ideas you're coming up with? You would really rather dope yourself up everytime you had sex instead of enjoying it with somebody you wanted to be with...just to maintain that ever-more cumbersome costume that tricks people into thinking you're a straight man. How much longer is it going to be until you want to just cut off your nuts? You're already hitting rock-bottom here, maybe this should be a wakeup call.

    If it really bothers you that much, there's certainly nothing stopping you from at least enjoying discreet casual sex with the right gender for you. It's certainly a better option than popping pills and sucking it up every week sticking it in something gross (I do not share this opinion myself as I love the ladies and the gents, but it's certainly the case for you). But you don't have to do any of that to begin with. I don't know how the civil rights situation is down in South America, but if it's filled with a bunch of ass-backwards wackos maybe you should take a permanent trip up to the good ol' United States where the situation is considerably more favorable. We welcome everyone willing to make it.
     
    #17 Zontar, Dec 30, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
  18. WeirdnessMagnet

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    So, yes, you can be another unremarkable man who was born, did nothing of interest to anyone and died. Or you can take a stand and do something. At the moment, I'm not talking about gay rights thing... About anything: career, parenting, science, politics, take your pick. Success in anything worthwhile doesn't come cheap. It requires sticking out your neck, occasional malodorous deal, dealing with hate, envy and prurient attention of others. That's why most people fail, and you already settling for a complete failure, witout even trying. Not in your sexuality, in life.

    Now back to how this relates to the G-word... You say you find gay couples "heartwarming." Do you not want to warm someone's else heart? Do you not want to prevent a suicide or to simply make someone's life better? No idea how religious you are, but do you remember that "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in" standard of final judgment? I'm an out-and-out atheist since I was a toddler, mind you, but I believe in this much.

    When I thought I was straight, I never could quite get the point of gay pride, but this is it: It may not be ideal way of doing things, but without it there wouldn't have been this website for you to speak your mind, no those openly gay couples that warm your heart, no straight allies, no nothing. There would be only a collection of sad, lonely, half-brainwashed zombie people, many of them in insane asylums, receiving punitive "therapy." Like, you know, this mathematical genius who discovered the key insight behind that wondrous computer you're using. Do you know his name? Or how he died? Or whom the Apple logo honours? Did you think people somehow automagically became tolerant of us?

    I'm yet to realign my life to help keeping this hope for others going, and believe me, it's a tough thing to do, it does require smarts and nerves. It's also my duty. I'd be dead by now without millions of others doing it for me, and I must do what I can in return, to "pay forward" all the good those people did for me.

    I'm not all judgemental and on a crusading roll here, well, a little maybe, I'm just trying to show you the opportunity you're setting yourself up to miss. Opportunity to be awesome. They didn't show either series where I lived, but I'd prefer X-Men to Simpsons any day.

    I'm not a doctor, and never had to use the stuff, but, as far as I know, viagra and other similar drugs don't even work that way. It only makes you harder if you're turned on already. Which you won't be, as you yourself said. It's just a medicine to make your plumbing work better, not a magic love potion. Sorry.
     
    #18 WeirdnessMagnet, Dec 30, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
  19. insidehappy

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    sorry but this part about viagra was hilarious... i think you should do what you want to do. if you do not want to live a gay lifestyle, then you do not have to. it still will not change the fact that you are more attracted to men. i do not hear you actually say that you are attracted to women, i hear more that you not not unattracted to women. meaning you are somewhat ambivalent towards then but it does not sound like you have an innate attraction to them on any levels. have you had sex with a woman? how did you like it? i think telling someone that you're bisexual is a good step but she is still going to expect you to like sex with women. i'm not sure how viagra works but i do not know if it will make you aroused if you are not naturally aroused. i could be wrong. even if it does, having an erect penis doesn't mean that you or she will enjoy sex if you are not into it. no sex is not all that is needed for marriage but it's a significant part of it. my advice is do what works for you and if are never interested in having a bf, then maybe this can work for you but i think for many of the married gays adn older gays that came out later in life, keeping up appearances and lies, did not work adn they wanted to eventually have a chance to have a connection with someoen that really liked.
     
  20. Mogget

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    Could you get it up with Viagra? Yes. But guess what? Sex is way more than sticking your dick in a hole and thrusting a few times. Sex is an intimate act, and in order for it to be enjoyable, involves a considerable amount of foreplay, which you will not be able to fake the appropriate amount of enthusiasm for. Essentially, you want some more poor woman to sacrifice having a happy and fulfilling sexual/romantic relationship just so you can maintain your cover. That is extremely selfish.
     
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