Dear Friend, I thought I will write you , a stranger-friend, an email There is hardly anything to do at work right now. After I finished the little work I had, I chatted with a colleague, got some food and then sat down at the computer....I chatted with a friend here...It felt comforting. Then, I had to leave to do some work; he went to bed; and I went to grab more food after work. Then, I logged on to a certain app on my cell phone. Recently, I have been excited to meet a man who is now separated from his wife and is gay. Seeing him online, I suddenly remembered what he had said earlier: that if there is love, sex in a mixed orientation marriage can be worked out. I had wondered that, but then was not sure. However, he was willing to talk about it. So, I wanted to chat him up for that. He was sleepy and could not chat. He offered to meet for a cup of coffee, and I was surprized. Alas, I found out he is just visiting the town. I cannot meet him, before he leaves town, to talk about this and other stuff related to life as a heterosexually married gay man. A part of me wants to save the marriage. So, does my wife. I had hoped to find someone in flesh and blood to talk to. But, we exchange Skype screen names and decide to talk in the future... I feel hopeful on many levels. But, here I am, and I also feel lonely. I sit and stare at the screens of my cell and the computer to find someone I know. A part of me is excited with the new coming out. I also feel aroused at the same time. But I can only be sneaky about it at this time. As I pay attention to my feelings, I realise that I have a lot of unmet needs. I crave for romantic love and connection. I wish to be free to express my desires without feeling guilty. To crave and ask for love and sex and give that in return to whom I choose and how I choose without having to go about them like devious guilty criminals. To feel sexual because I am sexual, to love because I want to, to receive love because I can, to feel needy because I need, to be strong because I feel strong. To not pretent...To not hide. I guess these are my ramblings for the night...
First of all. Profile picture. YES. I'm a youngin. Don't know much on love or sex. But I learned everything is worth a wait. No matter how hard it is to wait.
I get the longing... I think most us who have stayed or still is in the closet long for the things you described. This is a luxury taken greatly for granted by most people... I wish everyday that I'd be brave enough to pick up and go and never look back. To not care about other people's well-being and go off to search for the life I need. But, I'm just not brave enough... I think of the great family I have, a family that would've openly accepted who I am if they grew up in a more developed society. A caring and loving family that's greatly flawed by traditions, traditions that has deemed me unworthy of acceptance. As of now, I just need to live. There are a lot of things I can't control in this world...so I'll just live. I'll learn ways to find find the things I need and someday I'll get it. I won't let spilled milk bring me down. Heh...got kinda emo there...hope that helps! Be patient...patience is everyone's best friend!
