Struggling to find my identity

I think what you're saying makes perfect sense. I'm 19 and this applies to me as well. I don't know where I fit in the gay community. Honestly, I don't even feel like I do fit at all. But you're doing the right thing by getting out and meeting all sorts of people. Eventually I guess we'll just fall into our natural comfort zones. It's disorienting to accept something big like that, because it challenges our role in the social chain of the world whether we want it to or not. Struggles can only make us stronger though, just give yourself time.

 

Maybe you could consider getting involved in some social activities for gay people. I joined the lesbian choir where I live in February, and I have made a lot of friends that way. Boston appears to have a lot of different things you could get involved in depending on what your interests are.

If you make just a few friends, you will soon find that you have a lot more. Once you get to know some gay people, you will get a better idea of who you are in relation to other gay people and the gay community, and you'll stop feeling so... lost at sea, so to speak. Your identity as a gay man will become an integrated part of your life.

 

I'm also going through trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be right now. I came out 7 months ago and I thought everything was going better since coming out, but I've realized in the last month that there are still things I need to work out in my head. I'm 25 and almost done with grad school, so I definitely relate to the "second adolescence" comment. I haven't made it as far as following through with dating yet though. Seeing a counselor/therapist might be a good idea to check out and it's something I think I'll look into this spring myself. Hang in there, you're definitely not alone!

 

Wow, I said something like this to a friend just the other day. He's gay and is patient with me, but I feel like I'm standing on one of those rolling logs in the water and I haven't figured out how this thing rolls yet. thanks for the post

 

Just remember that it never is to late to accept yourself or too late to come out. There is no rush.

 

I get where you are coming from. I can't say I completely understand you, being I only realized I was gay at 21, but I know the feeling. I am trying my best to do things that I want. I am buying clothes that I really like, and not thinking about others. I am trying to be me, which so happens to be gay. At first I was trying to be gay, which wasn't quite right. Going to gay events and activities really will help, but I can understand being hesitant. I haven't done a whole lot, but I went to a pride parade. It really was nice. I am learning to enjoy being gay, and there are so many accepting gay people, that it doesn't matter if you are unsure of yourself. Just find some friends.

 

You're definitely NOT alone. That's exactly how I felt after coming out... as if all the life lessons I SHOULD have learned as a teenager were suddenly confronting me years later, and that I was at a disadvantage because I hadn't.

 

i can relate to this. i too started to realliy deal with the gay thoughts and stuff when i was in my early 30s. so everything was new to me and i also felt as though people younger and older than me were so far more advanced than I was and they were in many ways. this has made dating hard because when i was just getting on teh accelartion ramp, everyone was already on teh fast lane of the highway.

having the second adolescenes is something i can totally relate to, silly crushes that feel so real and deep like you would have when you are 13/16 were things I started to experience at 30+. the difference was instead of denying the attraction to myslef like i did when i was younger, i actually accepted the attraction i had and did not deny it. so it made the feelings feel ever deeper.

one thing i can tell you is that you do not have to define who you are a gay man. you are the same man you were before but you just so happen to like guys. that's it. you do not need to be apart of any cause, clique, cultural group, sterotype, or anything unless you want to be a part of it. you can just be the same you but this new you likes guys and is ok with that.

do not feel like you need to make up for lost time. that time is over, you are living in the now. this is important to realize because you can downward spiral into trying to fit in socially, peer pressure, random sex, etc. becuase you are trying to regain a youth you did not experience. do not worry about that. continue on your path. date who you like, but careful, and have fun but don't go overboard.

 

I am a teenager, but it only recently hit me that I'm gay, and I totally agree with you. It's hard to figure out who you are, but I've stopped dwelling on it and thinking that I've changed because I accepted myself.

I'm exactly the same person I was before, only I know I like girls.

And you're the same too. Think of now as the first day of your life

 

I'm just starting the journey you are going down now. Rejecting myself early in life and coming out later. Right now I'm still paralyzed by fear of coming out in my anti-gay environment, but if/when I get over that how do I "get in the game" is the next big challenge. Since I felt so different as a kid, I never was good and large social situations. I'm much better in small groups where I open up a bit. I mean, I can't walk into a party and instantly make friends with everybody in the room (I know people like that, and it always amazes me). So I can relate to the 2nd adolescence, as I've been thinking about that a lot. You've already started dating...that's a huge step. How did you meet your dates, as I understand "the scene" is not the ideal place for someone who is new to the whole gay thing?

 

wow tennbad, i really relate to this "Since I felt so different as a kid, I never was good and large social situations. I'm much better in small groups where I open up a bit. I mean, I can't walk into a party and instantly make friends with everybody in the room"

thanks tennbad and Jamie, this is great

 

My God... have I been cloned? I mean, I'd like to know too.

 

I wasn't sure there was a difference??? Good to know.

Seriously, I really do have a negative image of the gay community that I need to get over. If you were a gay teen in the 90's and earlier, you might have thought it wasn't probable to meet someone, fall in love and share your lives together. The stereotype is one with promiscuity, dirty bathrooms, blue oyster bars, underground sexual dungeons...etc.

Hopefully this will all change in coming decades.

 

unfortunately it is very promiscuous, especially among men. :/