I'm a fortunate guy. I've never been discriminated against per se. At least not by loved ones. My entire family is supportive of whoever I decide to be with. My friends are all very accepting. I'm just an average, open, generally happy guy. Except when it comes to romance. I have no idea why I'm so unable to pinpoint or accept myself. I have no outside reasons at all for being in so much sadness. I just feel so dissatisfied and lonely always. I've been with women my whole life but never felt totally satisfied. It always felt... wrong. I felt awkward and out of place and unromantic, even if I was physically attracted. So I figured, hey, I must be gay. I'd felt strong love for a man before. But I was never able to be with him. Finally, I am in my first relationship with a man. He's literally everything I had been looking for all these years. He literally says things that I had previously fantasized about hearing. But... I'm already starting to feel the same way I felt about women. It's that same dissatisfaction, nervousness, and wrongness from before. When I'm cuddling with him or just having fun, I feel fine, but the minute he starts to tell me how he feels or I come home and think about it, I feel so sad and scared and nervous and unpleasant. I have no idea what the problem is. He is literally everything I could want. But even now, I find myself tearing up and thinking about my old girlfriend. It's like I am just unable to be satisified with what have I. I fear I am going to jump back and forth between sexes and lovers and never be able to truly be with anyone. And I just don't want to be alone, but I'd much rather be alone that put myself (and these people who I have a horrible, horrible problem of hooking in) through this. I'm like a monster. I just come in, make them love me, and then want what I've already thrown away. Why? What is my problem?
Hi, and welcome to EC! My first thought is that something, probably in your unconscious, is scaring you away from deep emotional connection to people. Usually that stems from things that we experience growing up. I'd suggest doing some reading up on emotional intimacy. I think there's a book called "The Dance of Intimacy" but I can't offhand remember whether it's the best one on the subject; just that the name sticks in my mind. I'll try and find you some other references as well. This isn't an unsolveable problem by any means, but it's not an instant fix either. The fact that you're aware it's there and are actively seeking to change it is a big first step. The next step is self-exploration and facing the stuff that makes you feel that way. Reading about it will help, therapy would be even better. And simply observing your own behaviors as they're happening and afterward... but at the same time, doing your best not to judge yourself or be too down on yourself as you work through it. I hope that helps. And I hope you'll stick around EC and continue to share how things are going for you Also, feel free to contact me or any of the rest of the advisor team if you'd like to talk one-on-one.
Well I'm in bed on my 3DS so I apologize in advance if this isn't the best post in the world. In addition to what Chip said you seem to be focusing a lot of anxiety on making sure to select the correct gender of your partner. I think it would do you some good to relax and attempt to alleviate the stress you are feeling. Try asking, “do I like this person,” which in most cases will be more important than “do I want to be with someone of this person's gender?” My advice would be talk to your partner about this. Maybe tell him that you've felt an emotional disconnect after a little while with women so you want to be honest and open to ensure that doesn't happen with him. Openness and communication are the keys to a healthy relationship.
I don't know how much my post will help, but it might be worth looking into if only to help you feel better about yourself. I recently came across a personality analysis that is in my opinion the most accurate. It's called the ennegram. There are 9 personalities and I know that the 4 has the same problem. They always have a longing for something more. Don't know if it will help. I don't like putting people in categories but I was quite impressed with the ennegram
