bi guy attracted to friend

to me it sounds from what you are saying that he is bi and likes you but is not sure what to do. he hasd a girlfriend but he also likes you. you asked him if he is bi or gay and he said no. this is likely denial but you have to treat it as the truth.

therefore, my honest advice is that you have three options:

1. tell him that you appreciate his friendship, but honestly, you're attracted to him and you know that he is not bi so you just need some space because you do not want to frustrate yourself but you guys are still cool and friends but you just need a break.

result from option one: he will likely just say "ok i understand" but he will most likey not confess that he likes you at all.

2. do not tell him you like him, and just say you need a break without telliing him why and slowly but surely distance yourself from him.

REsult from option #2: you may be able to use this to smoke him out of his little hole. you said that he is clingy and even set aside a day to spend with you. really what straight guy does this each week when he has a girlfriend. ignoring him and declinging to hang will cause him to likely ramp up efforts and he will definitely say " hey why are you ignoring me". you can then decide if you want to play the game wiht him to smoke him out or just be upfront and tell him what the deal is.

3. tell him that you like him and ask him if he likes you and if he says no just let him know that's cool but you need to takea break so that you do not set yourself up for something that will not happen anyway. if he says yes, then you're going to have to talk about what's going to happen with the girlfriend...honestly he is not single so this si not going to work out unless he breaks up with the girlfriend and he doesnt sound ready to do all of that anyway.

Result: all the cards will be on teh table and atleast you will know.

Advice when dealing with these bi with a girlfriend types: dude i hate to be negative but these types are the best adn worst to deal with. they seem to be really cool and be everythign you may be looking for but its too hard to read tehm adn they are confused and they are struggling with what their heart wants and what their head tells them is the right thing to do. so you will undoubtedly get caught in teh middle of that mess and it never really works out. the only thing you can do is just be their friend and if and when they are ever ready to come out to you or make a blantant pass at you, that's the only time you will know. pushing them usually pushes them further in the hole of denial and they will eventually cut you off and its usualliy nothign to do with you but they end up liking you too much and they know that they are not ready for that so they cut you off. never exert anymore energy into them than what you are getting adn be upfront especially if you are out to them. if you are in the closet yourself and you're trying to feel them out, they are likely doing the same thing to you. but if you are already out to them adn they still are your friend after that, just let them know you like them and see what the deal is. but if they have a girlfriend, they are not likely goign to dump the gf for you. at best, they may just fool around with you once or twice before they go into a turmoil of shock and end up cutting you off anyway.

 

relax adn trust what? this guy seems weird. what he is saying is you read between teh lines is: "relax, i'm going to let you hit this and trust, i like you but i'm not ready to go there just yet and i need more time."

and what you need to tell yourself is: i'm a 40 something year old dude and I do not have time for these games. If i like this dude, i'm either going to tell him i like him and see what he wants to do or i am just going to leave it alone."

are you out to him? this is important for me to know this.

 

my advice is to leave it alone. he is not unavailable even if he is bi. he has a girlfriend. he is not broken up with her. so even if you get the courage to tell him and even if he says he likes you, unless you want to break them up or be a third wheel in the relationship, it's not going to work. also, he works with you. if he says he is not into you but you confess you like him, could he make things weird for you at work?

 

i had a similar situation. it went on for months. liked the guy. felt i was getting signals back. so many mixed messages or maybe i interepreted them wrong. after months i couldn't take it anymore. i finally told him i liked him. he said he wasn't gay. we do not talk anymore. my point is this, i got tired of the mixed messages, i was frustrated, i wanted to know what was up. seemed like more than what a straight dude would say or do in some situations. got frustrated so finally asked. i had to accept the answer. my point is nothing happened. since he is in a relationshipo i would just hold back and not say anything. if you feel comfortable and you relally like him and you want to let him ;know you can tell him you want to be honest and that you are attracted to him cuz you are bi but you know he said that he is not bi so you just need a lil break. but if he is already following you around the work place, i personally would just leave him alone.

 

Wait--you confronted him about his sexuality without confessing your own? What did you expect him to say?

Come out to him, and see what happens. That will give you clues.

Since you have told him he is your closest friend, you should be able to do this easily without telling him you have feelings for him. It is the kind of confession one makes to one's closest friend.

 

If you're sure that you don't want to be friends if you can't be together, then maybe its best to stop the friendship if there is no chance. I've had a tough situation with a friend who couldn't let go when I tried to distance so I appreciate how hard it is, but now I'm mostly out of it, life is a lot better.

Who knows? Maybe you need distance to get over him.

 

he sounds like he likes you. just end it. if he is as shy as you say he is, he's never going to make the first move. so if you want it bad enough just tell him what's up. but basically no matter how you put it, it's going to sound like this: "hey dude, im bi and i am attracted to you, are you interested in being a relationship with me even though i know you have a girlfriend, and if you're not, that's fine but we can't be friends anymore. i only want to be continue a friendship with you if its leading to something."

that's a lot to drop on a shy introverted type who seems to have issues with his sexuality. mayve you should do what hana solo said and just cut him off.

 

Uh, you don't need to kiss anyone on the first date, no matter the outcome of the date. That really says nothing. My take on this is that he has a girlfriend, therefore he is automatically in the not available zone. Screwing up relationships, whether you may think he may be closeted or not, is fucked up. If he wants to end the relationship on his own, he can do that, but I highly suggest you don't meddle for your own interests in potentially dating him.

Now for the part where you don't want to be friends with him if there is no chance of the relationship going past the point of platonic (which I sadly don't understand you're reasoning on that), then like Hana Solo said, you may as well end it now. I'm not saying that you have no chance or anything negative about you, just that in this current situation, you shouldn't go after this guy.

 

^^^ i second that...

 

>>>I may be selfish but if I cannot have a relationship then I don't want his friendship.

Then what do you have to lose here? You apparently don't care if you lose the friendship, so go for broke. This gives you two options.

1. Come clean. You're bisexual, you're interested in him, is he interested in you?

2. Just make a move on him. He's obviously not good at "talking about it", so don't talk about it - just get him alone and start making your moves. There's a decent-to-good chance that you'll make him uber-uncomfortable, or that he has no interest in going down that route, in which case the friendship will be over. But you were ready to end the friendship anyway, right?

Lex

 

if he says yes to #1, then what do you suggest. He has a girlfriend? so then the dude is going to have to be the "other man" while the confused bi-type goes through the process of breaking up with his girlfriend or stringing the 46 year old along and telling him to trust and relax.

if he does #2, and the guy is weirded out, coudl there be implications at work too since they work together. also, if he does #2 and the guy goes for the physical, then basically the 46 y/o is still going to be the lil home wrecker because he is breaking up someone. also, is this really a good place to start a relationship....on a physical level first.

bottom line, the dude is NOT single and until he is, the 46 y/o needs to just cut the ties. look, if this isn't going to go past platonic friendship the guy doesn't want to waste his time anyway, so just cut it off. ignore him. tell him you need a break, whatever, just do you. focus on people you like wanna date you.

 

>>>if he says yes to #1, then what do you suggest. He has a girlfriend? so then the dude is going to have to be the "other man" while the confused bi-type goes through the process of breaking up with his girlfriend or stringing the 46 year old along and telling him to trust and relax.

Thing is - he already IS in the second position you offer. In the original post, the OP said specifically "they live a distance apart and he says he likes that. He tells me that way he can be with me...He tells me to go with the flow, that I need to trust him, and give things time." "I'm glad my girlfriend/boyfriend lives far away so I can spend time with you" and/or "trust me, just give me time" aren't things I'd say to somebody I was looking to be platonic friends with. And if it was said to me, I'd assume they were angling towards a physical or romantic relationship, as well. If the OP comes clean, and the guy expresses interest, it's just as easy to say at that point "Well, I'm glad we're both interested, but I don't think I'm interested so long as you're dating somebody else."

>>>if he does #2, and the guy is weirded out, coudl there be implications at work too since they work together.

Agreed. But apparently the guy is being pretty clingy even now, before anything is said, or takes place. If the OP pulls away, things are going to pretty awkward at work as well as the guy tries to figure out what's going on.

>>>if he does #2 and the guy goes for the physical, then basically the 46 y/o is still going to be the lil home wrecker because he is breaking up someone.

The guy isn't married. They actually live far apart, and the guy "likes it that way". He may be ending a relationship, but he's certainly not breaking up a home.

>>>also, is this really a good place to start a relationship....on a physical level first.

I certainly don't want to suggest that relationships have to start off physical, or even that they should. But the OP has stated he's not interested in a friendship with this guy if there's not a physical component involved. Given that, it's not something he should stick around waiting to see if it's in the cards - he should find that out at the outset.

Lex

 

i do not discount your points. they are logical. however, if i know one things about these bi-confused-are they aren't they gays.....they are not logical and what they say and do never really matches. they live in confusion and mixed messages. so it's hard to try and rationalize what they will or will not do. they will often flirt and say things a straight man would never do and when you finally come out to them or ask them if htey are gay, it's "no i am not gay". they are a waist of time and if you get them they are typically just trying to experiement sexually. i like this acroynm for them...W.O.T. WASTE OF TIME

 

he sounds like he likes you and will stalk you. is he mentally balanced?

---------- Post added 1st Jan 2012 at 01:52 PM ----------

pesronally this person sounds a bit clingy and needy. sounds like he went to your office 3-4 times when he knew you weren't there. and i couldn't really understand the thing about the gym but it sounds like he is questioning your whereabouts as well. i would personally leave the dude alone because even if you do come out to him and tell him you like him, sounds like he will create major hassles for you at work if you break things off.