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Unintentional Coming Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jlg65, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. jlg65

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    So I'm pretty sure I'm gay. I'm still at the point in life where I'm trying to find myself and feeling my way through the world. I live in a very anti homosexual community so I was waiting till college to come out. I'm still not sure who I am so I hadn't planned to come out even to my parents till I was sure. They are also homophobic and often comment how disgusting it is. I would never feel comfortable living in this house with them knowing.
    The other day I came home and was doing homework. My dad said he needed my help in the basement and to come down as soon as I could. I went down and he told me to sit on the couch. He asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him. I was already freaking out because I was guessing what was going to happen. I've been looking at gay porn. I'm ashamed of it but I just couldn't stop. I've also been texting and talking to kids my age who are in the same confusing situation.
    My dad said he was looking at the phone bill and noticed that my texting had gone way up. He looked at the numbers and didn't recognize them. He saw they were out of state numbers. This lead him to my computer which he went through. He found the porn I had saved. I got really emotional and started crying. He said it was just between me and him. He said he loves me but I don't know if I believe it. I ran outside and sat in the snow crying. Mainly because this isn't how or when I wanted my parents to find out. He kept asking if I was safe. He wanted to know if I was gay. He said he didn't agree or support homosexuality but he loved me.
    He got a phone call so he walked away a bit. I ran to my care still in bare feet and drove away. In hindsight it wasn't a good move but I just had to be alone. I drove to a spot where they wouldn't find me and just sat and cried. He kept calling me but I couldn't pick up.
    I had blurted out how much I didn't want to be this way and how I hated myself. I had told him how I had been depressed and suicidal for years while pretending to be happy. This was before I drove off. He got the idea that I went to kill myself.
    He called my mom who immediately called the police. The police called me to make sure I was ok and told me I had to go home. I drove back. I was so humiliated as I walked back in the house. I locked myself in my room and wrote them a letter because I just couldn't talk. They read it and said they still loved me. But then they took my keys, computer, phone, and TV privileges. They said it was so I wouldn't be tempted to be gay.
    This was all before Christmas. It has blown over a little. They still bring it up all the time. I just want to forget about it until college. It isn't something I want to deal with right now. They recently gave my privileges back but I know they don't trust me. They give me looks all the time and everything is awkward. Will this pass? Any words of encouragement? I'm still feeling down...
     
  2. No One

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    I am very sorry, I now how that can be.

    Things between my mom and I were really awkward when I first tried to come out to him, but they have gotten better, and I am certain they will for you as well.

    A lot of time parents simply dont know how to react and the awkwardness is often the result of not knowing what to say or how to say it. As time goes on, and you begin to open up more to them, they will get better.
     
  3. Hexagon

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    You'll get through this. You need to hold on and not do anything stupid. As for whether it will blow over or not, I can't say, but your parents need to understand that being gay isn't a bad thing. They seem to be loving you in spite of being gay, as opposed to as the person you are, and taking away your privileges just proves that. Its good you've got them back but it doesn't get rid of the underlying problem.

    Direct them to literature for parents of gay kids. Talk to them openly and honesty about your feelings, even if you'd rather not. once they are accepting, they wont bring it up unless they have good reason.
     
  4. Robert

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    I wish I could hug through the internet. Words are so weak.

    Your parents are wrong. Its absolutely fine to be gay. Its ok for you to watch gay porn.
    Your father was wrong to go through your computer and snoop in to your phone records.

    Password lock your computer and delete browser history. Look forward to moving out but, for now, stay with us here and learn to accept yourself.

    (*hug*)
     
  5. jlg65

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    Thanks everyone! Its hard for me to be open with my feelings. I'm naturally a quiet person and keep to myself. I don't want people to know, I want to stay closeted. I can't find the words to express myself to them. I know that they are against it so I feel like whatever I say will only make it worse.

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2011 at 05:04 PM ----------

    Its really amazing having support here
     
  6. BradThePug

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    I can understand, I'm not really a quiet person, I just don't like talking about my feelings. I just knew that eventually I would have to bite the bullet and tell people. The more people that you tell, the easier it gets. You just have to be ready to do it.

    Good Luck!!
     
  7. Azza

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    (*hug*)

    I'm so sorry for this happening to you and for your parents reaction, it makes it even more difficult that you are not yet 100% ok with your sexuality, so seeing that you are not ok with it your parents will try to "help" you. There is nothing wrong with being gay. It sounds like you could really need a friend right now, is there anyone in your life that you feel you could trust confiding in? Good luck and hang in there :slight_smile:
     
  8. jlg65

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    My friends really wouldn't understand. Maybe they aren't good friends, but they are the best I have. I have one friend who is older that I trust completely and love like a brother. He is engaged to a guy so he understands. He is the only other one that knows
     
  9. Menaki-Neko

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  10. Hana Solo

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    I'm so sorry they reacted that way (*hug*) give them some time to get used to it then try to bring it up again. Tell them how you feel and how their reaction made you feel and hopefully they'll see what its done to you. In the meantime we're all here for you :slight_smile:
     
  11. Chip

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    Hi.

    First, as others have said, words aren't really adequate to convey how crappy you must be feeling right now. But I think you've got a lot going in your favor here.

    Remember that what your dad found on your computer likely came as a complete shock to him. And because of his beliefs, it probably knocked him over the head and he felt (or maybe still feels) disoriented, upset, and a dozen other emotions. He's just now finding out about this; you've known about it for a long time and thought about it and agonized over it and started working through it. But in spite of all of that, the message that he gave to you was that he still loves you. And I haven't even the slightest doubt that he was speaking truth. Same with your mom. And of course, when you told him about how miserable you'd been, and how you'd contemplated suicide... I guarantee you that what he felt toward you was compassion and empathy and grief, not anything else. He loves you, and he's concerned for you.

    Along with that, right now he's probably got a lot of thoughts racing through his head, trying to reconcile what he now knows about his son, and how that conflicts with what he's been taught as a Christian. But he's already shown his cards. He loves you. And at the end of the day, that's going to trump his religious beliefs. It will just take him some time to adjust.

    As difficult as it is, I would suggest that you keep some dialog going. Just going back in the closet and pretending it never happened isn't likely to work. For one thing, you'll still have the feelings, still want to reach out to other people, and that's going to be hard trying to hide all of that.

    So maybe what you should think about doing is writing a letter to them. Explain in more detail how you know, how long you've known, why no one in their right mind would choose this torment, and that there's absolutely no credible scientific data to show that sexuality is a choice or can be changed. Print out some PFLAG brochures and include them in the letter. Suggest that you and he (and maybe your mom) watch "For the Bible Tells Me So" or "Prayers for Bobby" together. It might be the most difficult decision you've faced, but I think you -- and your family -- will be much happier if you get it out in the open than if you try and sweep it under the rug.

    Lastly, I or any of the other EC advisor team are available to speak to you and help you along with the process if you want, and we could also speak with your dad or mom. A few months back we added a "for parents" page to our articles section to explain about what we do and how our goal isn't to get you to be gay, but to truly find, in your heart, what your orientation is, and be comfortable with whatever it is.

    Please keep us up to date on what happens. And PM me or any of the advisor team if we can help.(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  12. jlg65

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    Thank you guys :slight_smile: it means alot to have support from you~
     
  13. yourillusion

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    Hey there. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. My heart goes out to you. I always say inhave so much respect for folks like yourself. I too wish I could reach through the 'net and hug you. Maybe if you write them another letter, you can tell them about PFLAG and other organizations. There are a lot out there to learn from. Hang in there.
     
  14. Sunsetting

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    bro, i am crying as i read this. i said this exact line to my father last year "i have been depressed and suicidal for years" but jlg, from what you said... it is SO CLEAR TO ME, SO SO clear to me, that your parents LOVE YOU SOOOOooooo deeply... so deeply jlg! and I KNOW that they want the best for you and they do trust you, they are just concerned for you and aren't quite sure of how to deal with all this right now. jlg, i can totally relate, i don't know what i feel half the time and the other half, i don't know how to express it. i am SO WITH YOU

    funny twist is that it's somewhat out in the open now. i really believe that you are more brave and stronger than you know. you are clearly a really good guy, maybe your father or mother might be good advocates and supports for you if you take that risk and express how you feel to them. just how you feel, don't make any proclamations, just tell them how you feel. you can write it out first (i have to do that), then maybe talk with them, they might just express more love than you expect. thanks so much for sharing
    ~Me
    i
     
    #14 Sunsetting, Dec 31, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  15. Rabioso

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    Can I just say, that I think you are very strong to have gone through something as horrible as that. I cannot imagine coming out to my mother any time soon, just the thought is quite horrifying. I imagine that's how you felt, but to be found out like that is horrible. I would have to agree with Sunsetting, they still love you. I'm sure both your parents were caught off guard and just need some time to process it. But don't forget that you are still their son and they still love you. You'll get through this. I wish you the very best :slight_smile:
     
  16. jlg65

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    You really can't imagine how much it helps to have support on here. I think they still love me but I also think it might be a different relationship for awhile. I tried to explain that I was still the same person and that they didn't have to treat me differently. I think that helped. They offered to switch churches or schools if I would feel more comfortable which I think is a good sign! Thanks everyone!
     
  17. Tracker57

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    The fact that your parents are wiling to change schools and churches says a lot about their support for you. I am sure that they are more concerned about your depression and considering suicide.

    It will also be hard for them to come to terms with your sexual orientation not being a choice. I have an old gay roommate who still believes that it's a choice. (frustrating!!!!!) once they come to terms that gay chose you rather than you choosing gay, I hope they will be more understanding.

    Here's a long distance hug! I wish I could give you one in person to let you know how many people out here feel for you.

    Tracker
     
  18. starfish

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    I agree it sound like they support you. This is new to them, and to you it sounds like, so things may be awkward for a while. That is fine. If you want to stay in the closet and not talk about it you don't have to.

    Now if your parents think you might hurt your self, I am sure they will want to talk about that. It sounds like you have worked past that, reassure them you are not going to do that.