I've always known that I'm gay. When I was a kid, I used to look at photos of bodybuilders and I played with dolls. In school, I was teased and bullied relentlessly for being different, for being unmasculine, for hanging around girls, etc. For years, I attended a church that would regularly teach anti-homosexual sermons. I would sweat and squirm in my seat, worrying that people were looking at me and worried that people knew. As I heard these words of hate, I would enter a state of denial. I would deny everything in my head. I was tell myself I was heterosexual, I was "normal" and that meant that God would still love me and most importantly, I could continue to live with myself. But then I would feel even worse because I knew I was living a lie. Being very religious, my parents are also extremely homophobic. It seems that they express their hate towards gays at least once a week, in some manner or another. As a result, I've continued to pretend that I am straight in order to keep the peace. My dad will sometimes say how he used to watch me play with dolls when I was younger and how he would worry that I might grow up to be gay. Then he'll conclude, "But I'm glad you turned out okay". After all of these years of emotional torture, suicidal thoughts and self-hate, I've finally come to a place where I am starting to accept myself for who I am. I'm gay. Some days I struggle and still dislike myself, but other days I feel confident and celebrate the person that I am. A few weeks ago, there was a huge blow-out with my family. A situation arose where they began to question my sexuality and whether I really was straight. Hearing all of my parents' hateful words towards me, I denied it and told them I am straight. I knew that if I told them the truth, it would mean being disowned and kicked out of the house. Being a student with limited income, I am not ready to live on my own. After this incident, I fell back into a state of denial and depression once again. Being 22 years old and still in the closet, I feel like I've wasted a lot of time, but looking back, I know I couldn't have done anything differently. I've dealt with a lot in my life and I don't think I could have come out any earlier. I have friends who also gossip about my sexuality behind my back and it feels terrible to be living a lie, but I know that if I was to tell them the truth, it could have a negative impact on my relationship with my family. Besides, I don't know why my sexuality should be anyone else's business? I'm sure my family knows I'm gay (it should be so obvious), but I think they're also in denial... I have a best friend who is gay and they are the only person who I feel I can come out to right now, but when I think about doing it, it's terrifying... Thanks for allowing me to vent! I had to get this out. ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2011 at 09:28 PM ---------- For years, I've also been denying the sexual abuse that I suffered at the hands of a family members when I was a child. I wish there was someone I could talk to about all of these things, but I feel trapped. I know if I talked to someone, I would be a happier person, but it would also mean living on my own, living a different life...
well on the plus side, now you can bounce your feelings off people a bit with the forums here, hopefully you're working toward being more independent so you can live on your own, and not worry about being kicked out if you're outed. in the meantime just remember that there isn't anything wrong with you, or with being gay, just the way people around you are looking at it, but have some faith, most people are not like that. best of luck in the meantime.
wow i really appreciate your sharing, you are fantastic. this is a great place to be open about stuff and in time i'm sure you will find other people to express how you're feeling face to face. and bro, you haven't wasted any time at all. let this be step by step, you're doing great and, even though i don't know you, i'm proud of you and just wanted to say, i'm on your side.
first of all your family is in such denial. instead of being worried if you're gay or not, they need to be worried about how in the heck they were clueless that someone was sexually abusing you in their own family. they probably are in denial about this. as far as the mean things they say, no offense but screw them. you have to live for you. sure they do not want you to be gay but i mean, bashing you over it isn't really goinna make you feel good either. my advice to you is to get some couseling for the gayness and the abuse so you can deal with both and heal from the depression they have caused you. then keep your parents and family outta your business and tell them what they wanna hear until you're able to be financially free/independent of them. once you move out on your own, you can tell them but you dont need the stress and their drama of putting you out over this right now. you got enough on your plate. you dont have to lie to them but you dont have to let them know anyhing you dont want them to UNTIL you want them to know.
Thank you guys! I appreciate your support. It was even a little nerve racking to register on this message board and to write my first post. Each day, I'm making little steps and feeling more and more better about myself. I am glad I found this place! When I was young, I used to think I was the only person on the planet who was like me. This past summer, I visited a gay community in a neighboring city for the first time and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I felt free and discovered I am not alone.
Hey Oneday, I'm glad you found EC; it's a great place I'm sorry you're family is so rude and ignorant. It sounds like you have a positive outlook and I think you've got the strength to persevere, graduate from college and get the hell out of that house. Stay strong and keep coming here to talk with all of us! (*hug*)
Oneday, I think our families are alike. Check out this pdf http://www.pcmk.org/blue_book.pdf I was planning to give it to my family when (if ever) i come out. It discusses homosexuality from a scientific/sociological and theological perspectives. You can also order hard copies from the church. It is what I used to educate myself, if you can get your family to look through it, it may help. You would probably use it before I would, so if you do let me know how it goes.
Your sexuality is not anyone's business. We don't come out because it's other people's business, but because allowing people to believe things about us that are not true undermines all of our relationships (because the people others think we are do not exist, and our real selves are not the people they love). Sexuality is part of the core personality, and when we conceal something that is so essential to who we are, we don't feel like anybody really knows us. And if they don't know us, they can't really love us. Then we become depressed. I strongly recommend that you come out to your friend who is gay. It will be very hard. Since they(?) are gay, too, they will understand how hard it is, and you can tell him in whatever way is easiest for you, whether that is in person or a text message or a hand-written note slipped in his coat pocket when he's not looking. (Actually I don't recommend the last one, since it could potentially be a long time before he finds it. But you get the idea.) Even having just one person who knows and accepts you can make a huge difference.
Thank you very much guys. Your positive words of support mean a lot to me, really. Thank you tennbad70 for attaching that PDF! Looks like a great overview for parents and family to read. Ianthe, thanks for your advice! I was hoping to come out to my gay friend last week, but it never happened because I didn't feel ready yet and she had a busy schedule. I was also not sure how to do it, since it will be my first time coming out to anyone. I wanted to do it as quick and easily as possible, such as through e-mail or something. But I also thought that this is something that means so much to me, I would rather communicate it to her in person. Then I thought, "Well, where and when would be the best place and time to tell her?" Do I do it over dinner? Or in the car? While we're shopping? I really don't know. What if the words just don't come out? I guess there's no perfect way to do it. ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2012 at 01:10 PM ---------- I agree with what you're saying. Sadly, I don't know if I will ever be able to come out to my parents. As I mentioned in my first post, we had a big argument a little while ago, where my sexual orientation came into question. They began to doubt whether I was really straight at all. I told them, "Why should it matter? You're my parents and you're supposed to love me unconditionally!" They said, "IT DOES MATTER!!" They were worried about what people will think of their son and our family. They claimed they do love me, but I said that their hurtful words towards me were not dictating that. When my 18 year old sister got her first boyfriend, my parents cried and argued about it with her for three days. It was one of the most stressful experiences our family has ever had to endure. My Dad even threatened to kill my sister and her boyfriend. It was terrible. Both of my parents have their own issues and both come from dysfunctional families, so I think they have control issues and coping issues, amongst many other things. All of these things are making it impossible for me to ever come out to them. I know if they found out, it would destroy them, as well as my relationship with them. I forgot to mention that in my first post, when my Dad said, "I'm relieved you turned out okay" (meaning I turned out to be straight), he said this in front of my entire extended family when they came over for Christmas...while I was in the room. How messed up is that? I was so embarrassed. My aunt came to my defense and said, "He turned out more than okay! He's a wonderful guy."
It's a curious thing. When parents *suspect* that their kid might be gay, sometimes they'll say all sorts of really terrible things ("I'd disown you" ... "I'd just die" ... "That's just disgusting" ... "It's sick and perverted" ... and so forth). And in most cases, that is a defense. It's them, at a deep unconscious level realizing that it might be (or is) the case, and rejecting that notion vehemently by saying those things. But with very rare exceptions, that isn't actually what they really mean or really feel... it's a defense mechanism. I can't tell you how many threads there are here at EC where someone's parents, before they came out, said simply unfathomably cruel things about gay people, or even about if *their* son or daughter turned out to be gay... and when the person finally did come out, the parents, while maybe angry and offensive initially, eventually came completely around and fully accepted and loved them. That outcome is actually the overwhelmingly common one. There are some where the parents never accept their child, but those are pretty rare, and becoming increasingly so. So I wouldn't rule out the possibility of coming out and having them accept you. My suspicion is that they're doing exactly what I described above. They already know at some level but are able to continue to deny it. So you might be surprised that when you actually do come out, they may already have done some of the processing for it and be less upset. But even if they're still in denial, I can say with a pretty high degree of confidence that they'll come around and eventually be totally OK with it.
i think that as long as you have to live in their house and deal with their issues, i would not add more issues to my plate. just do you and explore yourself without them know. you're grown and you can do what you want. if they start questioning you and harrassing you, then you can decide to tell them or not. they seem to already know and they are hoping that the negative messages make you straight. to me, they are saying "we do not support you that way". parents typically do come around even if they hate it and hate you at first but you have to base it on your own knowledge of your own parents and what they are like. i mean threatening to kill your sister and her boyfriend is beyond extreme. so my advice is come out to them when you're ready and when you're in a place to be safe but not just focus on feeling good about yourself. that's hard enough to do sometimes and especially harder when you have the drama of them breathing down your necks. but just know if they suspect you are gay, which you said they do, their behavior seems to indicate that they think it is a choice you are making and negativity talking about gays and harassing you about it will make you shift back to what they think is right. i'm not saying parade a girlfriend around them but i am saying that i would avoid talking to them about this until such a time where you can find alternate housing in case you need to get out of there for an extended time.
