thinking about going to a gay bar for the first time next week.

Dude! You're Doing Your First Time Without Me?!?!

 

Well, you need to know what type of bar it is first if you want to know how to dress. Other than that, you usually just dress normal unless you're trying to impress a couple of guys. Then you do a complete makeover yourself! Just expect what you usually think a bar is... drinking at a bar with a couple of friends!

 

what to expect will depend on what type of bar it is. some bars are basically like clubs, some bars are just bars that are chill and people are drinking and playing pool. however, there are some universal things you should expect:

1. dress code: the great thing about most gay bars and clubs is that there really is no dress code. you usually can just wear whatever you want. i love that about them. if i were you, i would check first to see if hats are allowed or not or if they have some strange dress code. you can do this by checking online or calling up there prior. also see if they have a coat check or not.

2. you may see women in there. this may freak you out because some times guys will bring their best friend and the best friend will be a girl. the girls like to stare and oogle in disbelief sometimes like "omg, you're gay". this can be very weird and can make you feel paranoid if you let it. otehr girls are just there to have fun.

3. going alone: going alone, a lot of people do not recommend thsi but i have no problem with it and actually i think it's better sometimes because if you are with someone people can assume its your bf and if they want to approach, it maybe hard for them to do that. if you are alone, go to the bar, order a drink (alcohol or non alcohol) and post up there and check out the scene first. if you feel uncomfortabel drink your drink and bounce. but give it a few before you decide to do that. post up, watch people, if you see someone you think it cool, smile. strike up convo with people next to you.

touching: gay bars/clubs....i wasn't prepared for the amount of touching gay men do. if you are talking to someone, invariably they will try and touch you (put hand on your shoulder, face, arm, behind, penis....whatever). not only is this annoying and grounds to get snatched. its' just bloody uncomfortable. so make sure to have some distance between them if possible so if they do try and touch you can stop them (if you wnat to stop them) before hand. also, sometimes people think that if you're friendly and talking to them it's an invitation to touch you. i had to nearly choke someone once becuase i was touched. be on the look out for this. dont get into a fight over it. just let them know up front or just leave if you feel pissed. it is just one of the most annoying things that happens.

hookups: you're at a bar, people may want to hook up wiht you. so if they ask for your number, just take theirs and then decide who you want to call back later. i wouldn't suggest giving your number. maybe invest in a google number so you can delete or block them if they get crazy later. keeps the worlds separate until you're ready to combine them.

public displays of affection: it was weird for me to see guys touching, dancing, holding hands, kissing, etc. i had nevr seen this sort of thign before. however, i remember feeling like a weight was lifted. i saw masculine men holding hands and just hanging out. finally i felt like i wasn't alone and i did not have to put up a front there. it was such a good feeling.

effeminate: if you have a problem with effeminate men or behavior, prep yourself because you will definitley see it there. you may even seen drag queens and cross dressers (i'm not hating on anyone, just saying its there). my point is, it may make you feel weird but just focus on the people you want to focus on and dont worry about stuff you're not interested in.

someone may ask to buy you a drink or dance: dont accept drinks from strangers. if you want to dance, dance. if youj're not into dancing or scared, just tell them thanks for you're cool and keep talking to them if you like them.

biggest advice....relaxxxxx. you heart may be pounding at first but just relax, you are around people that you do not have to put up a front in front of. they may or may not be the type of guys you can relate to but just be cool , do your thing, and take it in and dont trip off people

 

It's definitely fun to go with someone else, or other people. But even if you go by yourself, good for you! It will be fun, and besides, people will be more willing to approach you and strike up a conversation if you're by yourself.

Just go and enjoy being there - you'll be able to say you went, and I know when I did that (I went by myself too), I was kind of excited and proud of myself, even though nothing really happened (I did buy a guy a drink and we talked for a while - that was about it, but it was still exciting for me).

 

i am so flippin frustrated i can't PM you yet!!

 

Have fun, be yourself and be wise...like insidehappy already said, don't take drinks from strangers and also watch your drink (you never know). Also beware of any man hores.

 

wow insidehappy, that's incredible perspective, thanks

oneday, are you referring to people who might put some kind of date-rape drug in a drink?

 

Yeah...or even just any kind of drugs. I know it's not common and especially not with guys, but if I leave to go to the bathroom, I always get a new drink. There are some crazy people out there. You never know.

 

wow oneday, yeah, a friend of mine had that done to him and i hurt so much for him, thanks for the insight, i really appreciate it

 

I guess it would depend on the event. Is it a "drop- in" sort of thing? Do you sign up beforehand? Are they taking over the whole bar?

Lex

 

thanks sunsetting. i try to help where i can.

 

This is a great thread. I'm planning on doing the same thing this year. And I needed the advice, too.

And I'm having to go solo...no buddies to go with me either.

 

Damn.. I'd be so nervous in a gay bar.

 

Here's my one experience at a gay bar.

I was out of town one time last summer and decided to check out a gay bar. I was scared to death going in. I circled the block 2 or 3 times before getting up the nerve. There weren't many people when I first went in. I sat at the bar, ordered a beer, and observed. At one end of the bar were two men and two women. As it turned out, the men had come in together, the women were not with the men, but had come in together too. I assumed it was a gay couple and a lesbian couple. I was wrong in both cases. One of the men was gay, the other was the brother of the other guy's partner. The brother was still questioning his orientation.

The women started flirting with the guys. In fact, one time when I looked over, one of the women was sitting on the questioning guy's lap! Needless to say, this didn't fit my expectations of a gay bar at all!

Eventually, the gay guy came down by me and asked me to rescue him from the women. Soon we were joined by the other guy. After figuring out that the women were just there to make gay men uncomfortable, I glanced their way. The next thing I knew, one of them was right beside me putting one of her boobs in my face! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :jawdrop:She got a big laugh out of that.

She went back to her friend and I started talking to the men. Later we noticed the women were gone and found out that the bartender had asked them to leave. What an introduction to the gay bar scene - a woman's breast in my face!

After that, I spent the rest of the night talking to the two guys. The gay guy's bf came in later but apparently they were in a fairly open relationship because the original one spent the whole night hitting on me in front of the other two. Confusing for me. At one time or another he touched me everywhere - even though I told him I wasn't there to hook up. He even followed me into the bathroom to get a peak and tried to kiss me on my way out. I had to set the record straight and he left me alone after that, even though we continued talking. I think I was a challenge for him.

Anyway, it was a very enlightening experience. It was great to be able to talk openly. Our conversation was very sexual in nature. I'm not sure if that's typical or not. Is it?

At one point we went out to the bar's patio where two guys were almost taking eachother's clothes off. That was a little uncomfortable - but of course I couldn't stop watching. :eek: Others told them to clean up their act and they took it elsewhere.

I have no clue if these experiences are typical or not. I just thought I'd share a one-timer's personal account.

I will go again sometime just because it was so great to be able to be myself among people I knew were like me!! (&&&)

 

wow 55alive, that's kind of what i don't want... :/ i was at an event at work once and this guy kept hitting my crotch and i kept moving away and i hated feeling like a piece of meat that he just wanted to have sex with. there must be "safe" places to be 'out' other than a bar that are more about being me than being a sex toy :/

 

It was a very weird experience. I thought I would share it in detail so I could find out if it was typical or not. It was kind of an adventure. I think if I had known to set boundaries with this guy early on, it wouldn't have evolved to what it did. Maybe I was sending mixed signals to him. He might have moved on to others if he knew up front that he didn't have a chance with me. I think the thing with the women was an anomoly.

I'll probably go to a few gay bars in the coming year after I come out in the next few months. I'll be going to just to feel the freedom of being open after a lifetime of being in the closet. I won't be going just to hook up and I'll make that clear. I know a bar isn't the best place to find a long-term relationship. I've had enough empty encounters over the years to last me a lifetime. Right now, I want to learn to be myself, then I'll move on to looking for a long-term relationship - but not in a gay bar.

Sorry if I scared you. :eusa_doh:

 

55alive, it's ok. i've heard stories like that before, a friend of mine didn't watch his drink, someone slipped something in it and took him home and :***: the heck out of him. my friend wasn't hurt physically, but it definitely left him hurt emotionally :/