It's hard for me to think of a time during the day when I'm alone and not worrying about this. My first appointment is sometime in late January which feels both too far away and at the same time too close for comfort, it doesn't help that this is the same therapist that sent me to the hospital for suicide and I wasn't too comfortable with talking to her to begin with. I'm worried that she'll say I can't transition. I'm worried that because I don't really remember much of my childhood outside of video games and bad days at school that she'll wonder if this is just a phase. I'm worried because I know that I won't be able to handle not transitioning. Is worrying this much a valid argument for letting me transition? If I tell her that there's no way I could continue living this way will she see that as proof or just send me back to the hospital? I know I'm a girl, because I feel like one and it makes me feel better dressing and acting like myself. What if she says that isn't enough? Is it normal to worry this much? Because I'm worrying enough that it's starting to bring back my suicidal thoughts. I know that I won't do anything drastic, because after leaving the hospital for a second time I told myself I was never going back; and managed to find reasons to just keep going. New friends, old friends, goals of transitioning, finding a boyfriend are a few that I've tried to hold on to in order to get me through this. I can't handle the thought of not being able to transition, because I'm so tired of hating myself all the time, and being afraid, and helpless, and alone; and if I can't transition it will take so much to keep me going that I don't know if there will be enough. Without the friends I made here on EC i'd probably be dead. I really depend on you guys, and I think that it's a little unfair how much I depend on you. All I can really say is thanks, and I hope that one day this all pays off and you'll all see me as the person I am on the inside. -Evelyn
I'm sure you will not be rejected. You seem like a girl to me. Actually you are a girl to me. And you will make a great girl when you transition. I like helping people out, so don't feel bad about it. I have been depending on ec so much too. Pm me if you want to talk.
Are you sure you want to be with a therapist you have a poor rapport with? Even if it takes a while to find a new therapist, I personally wouldn't want to be with a therapist I didn't like.
Fugs, sweetie, this is TOTALLY normal to worry about, & I felt EXACTLY the same way as you do now before my first appt with my therapist. I was terrified that all of the issues I have with my parents would be what my therapist would focus on (I was happy to see that she didnt, I spent moost of my hour session talking about how Ive known I was a girl since I was 6, how Ive known I was a lesbian since around age 12 & still struggling with my sexuality because Im trans & how, since Ive finally come out as trans & started dressing more feminine & finally being more of myself around all of my friends, Ive been much happier). So this is a really common fear for transgender people. As for the concern that your therapist may not believe you or may be resistant to letting you transition (yes, it does sometimes happen & there are gatekeepers out there), good news - you totally have the right to choose whatever therapist you feel is best for you. I have a thread somewhere here on EC with ALL of the questions I asked my therapist before I even decided to see her the first time. Check it out & ask your therapist all of those questions - her answers will give you a good idea as to if she is the best person to help you. As for feeling like if you cant transition, youd rather be dead, youre also totally not alone there. Ive attempted suicide 3 times when I was in university (so glad I didnt succeed now), & many trans folk feel that way - its called needing to 'transition or die'. It is totally normal to feel this way & totally normal to feel a sense of urgency in starting to transition. Im 36 & I look back at everything in life I missed out on, all of the typical experiences girls your age get to have & Id give anything to have them. But, Im transitioning now, so I try to look ahead not behind. Also, fair warning, with transitioning, the process is a LOT of 'hurry up & wait' & it can takes years to fully transition. It is expensive, but transgender people, whether MTF or FTM, usually agree that the money & time is worth it in the end. Even hormones dont work automatically, it takes a few years for things to really change. So dont put too much emphasis on what you cant speed along & just focus on what you can do for yourself. For me, dressing as my true gender & grooming myself as female was what I could control, so thats what I focus on, but transitioning is different for everyone, & everyone's journey is different, so find what works best for you & what makes you comfy with yourself. Also, if youre going to transition - research is the key. I cant tell you how much time this girl right here has spent on Google & many transgender sites looking for advice & tips, etc to help me, plus research into every part of the process. I also tried to meet as many trans-women online as I could on social networking sites & forums so I could actually talk to girls & women who have been thru or are going thru what I am. Believe me, talking to someone who has been there or is going thru what we girls are is very helpful as well. All of this also helped to give me a sense that I was taking an active part in my transition & that something was happening & I was moving forward, which helped me quite a bit Lastly, you can always hit me up to chat & Ill alway be supportive for you, dont even worry about it. Its not unfair that you rely on anyone here on EC as much as you do, thats what EC is here for! God knows where I would be if I hadnt found EC, it was the first place I came out & now, Im out to pretty much all of my friends. I never would have been able to do that without EC, so rely on us all, please!!! I know I dont have all the answers, but Ill always be there to listen, OK? (*hug*)
Aw, rats. That's not a fun situation for anyone. On one hand, I think your distress about even the idea of not being able to transition is a clear indicator that transitioning is the right thing to do. On the other, if that distress is driving you back towards suicidal thoughts, it's clearly taking a hold of you in some negative ways. Your conviction about transitioning really shows throughout the post. I hope that this therapist will work out for you (after all, they presumably have had a lot of experience dealing with trans people and will know that one idea of trans isn't true for all people), but if they don't work out, find another! You will find people who you can work with to transition successfully. And if it's any consolation... I don't have many specific "trans-related" childhood memories either. But my therapist believes me when I say I'm trans, because I believe me. Hang in there -hug-
If you tell your therapist the things you wrote in this post and she tells you you are not a good candidate for transition, you need to find a different therapist. You have a right to live as your true self and be happy with your life. Don't let anyone take that away from you!
If that spoiled, crazy bastard from Britain can weasel his way into a sex change (whatever the hell his name was), I'm sure a legit case like yours would be more than accepted. There's a reason you do the real-life test. They're not going to turn you down without putting you through that first. Anyone who does is probably being too cautious in this arena.
U will not be turned down, hon. Transition is ultimately a personal decision. If she refuses to listen accept your feelings as valid then she is a bad therapist and u can just find another. Keep in mind that transitioning is not an easy thing to do. It takes years of dedication hardwork and courage to overcome the challenges of successfuly transitioning sexes. Dont get down if the journey has difficulties, a gatekeeper therapist is a cakewalk compared to the trials ahead. Be strong. Be brave. Be confident. Reach out and claim your birth right, your womanhood. If this is truly what u need to find happiness then let nothing stand in your way, including your own fear. I love u girl. I hope things go well.
Thanks My therapy appointment is tomorrow, I don't think I'm ready. I don't know what to say or how to act. I want to transition, I have to, because I don't want to think too deeply into what will happen if I can't. I know it won't be easy, but I don't care. I've lived like this for so long, and I can't do it anymore. I'll do anything to get out of this hell. That doesn't stop me from being terrified of every step. I don't even know anyone who's been through this whole process, it would make things so much easier. I don't know what to expect or when to expect it. No matter how many variants of this I Google I can't get the answers I'm looking for. Thanks so much for this, it really makes me feel better
I have to admit, the thought of finally dealing with shrinks horrifies me. For one, I hold an extremely low opinion of them; far too many of them are out there as pharmapawns; I know I could go to a dozen of them; get two dozen different diagnoses, and a full plethora of meds. Secondly, as a child in elementary school, I had a very bad run in with a supposedly 'certified school therapist' that, seeing I was constantly in trouble in school being harassed and beaten by the students, took it into his head I was the problem and not the others - then proceeded to lie both to myself and my parents when they flatly refused to have me go to therapy, they too also aware of the actual reasons of my issues. After several months of him trying to convince me it was all my fault, I finally clued in this bs was making my life worse, not better, and watched in surprise as my folks freaked out - not at me but at him and the school. So yea, that soured my opinion of them. Now that said, I should also say that a very long time online friend of mine did take a BA for child psych; and her explaining to me in detail how things have changed in the field and that things have advanced a lot in the last 20 years; so I've been somewhat mullified regarding the field. All I can say is, I understand and share the dred you feel. Please, feel free to PM if you like.
I bumped my thread about how to chose a therapist, etc up for anyone who wants to take a look at it, but here are the questions I asked mine when I was looking for one: Let's Play 20 Questions! Once you get to speak with a prospective therapist in person, ask them: How many gender patients do you have? How many TS people have you recommended for surgery? How long have you been working with gender patients? What is your educational background? What books on transgender issues most influenced you? Have you written any books or articles on the subject? What got you interested in working with transgender people? What is your basic philosophy about how to treat this condition? Do you follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care? What is your hourly rate? What length of session do you usually prefer? Is it possible to do longer or shorter sessions? How long do you usually see patients before you might OK them for hormonal therapy? SRS? Are you affiliated with any endocrinologists or plastic surgeons? Are you part of my insurance network? Would you be willing to classify our sessions as depression in order to meet insurance requirements? What are your hours? Do you have weekend or evening appointments? Do you work from your home or from an office? (Anything else you want or need to know) These questions should help weed out the bad therapists a bit, but additional questions anyone has are definitely a great idea as well, anything that helps you choose who's best for you. Remember, the therapist isnt the one in charge, you are, so they have to make their case to you as to why you should chose them! If you dont like the answers you hear from them, walk away!!! If they dont seem to work out for you after you have started, tell them flat out that their approach isnt helping & make it clear what youre expecting & what & how you need help or you'll take your business to someone who can help you. Therapy isnt easy or isnt always pleasant, but there's a difference between unpleasant experiences in therapy & an unpleasant & uncooperative therapist trying to force their own agenda on you!
