In advance, sorry this is so long. There are two songs that sum up how i feel most of the time, the first is from Moulin Rouge: Ascension / Nature Boy [Moulin Rouge] - YouTube There was a boy A very strange enchanted boy They say he wandered very far, very far Over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he And then one day One magic day he passed my way And while we spoke of many things Fools and kings This he said to me "The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return" "The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return" and the other is Hurt, the Johnny Cash Version: Johnny Cash Hurt - YouTube I know I tend to look at the negative with a microscope which is a problem. And I don't want to hurt people anymore by focusing on their negatives or my negatives. So I work like crazy to be supportive and good, because I feel like I am so rotten inside; just rancid, blackened, decaying flesh. I am working like crazy to overcome a lie and it's burning me out. Really, :help: I've read some of your stories and my experience is nothing compared to yours, but as someone once said to me, "You're not as strong as you look." It's true, I look strong and put up a good front, but I have a terrible self image and I am riddled with fear. I didn't go anywhere for New Year's tonight. I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I can't relate at parties and I say the stupidest shit when I am intimidated by people, and I am intimidated by most people. So I stayed here mostly on EC tonight, where I could be not known and known at the same time. Strange, if you really knew me...I think many of you would never want me in your lives, it's really true. On the flip side, I'm not a liar or dishonest and I am genuine, but I can be such a selfish, judgmental, manipulative, indecisive, wimp and I hate myself for those things that I feel like I can't change...or I am too tired to change. I've come to love and admire so many of you for your bravery. I look at a lot of you and see such strength; not caring what anyone thinks about you and I am wrapped in these tentacles of fear of what people think. Whether I'm gay, bi or straight, I really haven't figured out yet, but that's not really the core issue that I'm concerned with right now. What I do know is that I'm massively insecure and am constantly looking for people to love me because I feel so love-less. I have so often wanted simply to float away. Just put up my arms and float away... to nowhere. Too many times I've considered suicide, mainly because I feel so badly about myself. (Not a good idea as Lex said to me recently) I'm so scared of even writing this because I don't want to negatively influence any of you, especially any of the younger folks here. Suicide is not the way out. I am constantly impressed by people who make it against the odds and I want to be one who becomes and inspiration, especially to young people who I never want to feel as alone as I have. I was bullied relentlessly and daily by my brother at home. Every day he yell at me: faggot, idiot, dork, fatso, queer, shithead. That, plus a father who was critical of my every move and had arbitrary fits of rage, paralyzed me with insecurity and fear. I felt so worthless...So, I spent years alone in school with no one around me because I just didn't know how to relate and I still feel worthless. At this point, I know in my head it's a lie, but I don't feel the truth about me at all, and all that old pain and those old tapes are still playing. I've rocketed to the top of so many great situations, only to fall as quickly as a meteor. I freeze from fear when I'm challenged and can't think at all. Not the man you want on your team; a wimp. My failures have been too consistent and all my dreams have vanished like a vapor. Coming to expect failure, now I'm wondering which direction my life should go. I suppose this sounds kind of like a ramble, but, I wanted to know how have any of you come to believe, from your inmost being, not just in your mind, that you have deep intrinsic value? I know, in my mind that I'm good, but about 90% of the time I feel totally worthless. I'm not looking for something from the outside in, but how have you come to believe and feel that you have value, that you are loved, intimately knowing that you are good from the inside out?
First off -hug- secondly I have issues on how I see myself. Explaining the cutting and bulimia. But really it never helps. I've told my friends about my situation and they helped. Daily they tell me I'm good looking, I'm a good friend... ectect. All of my siblings and parents make fun of me. A bit off topic when I recieved my desk in a drawer it said "Believe in who you know you are" A good outlook on my part makes me feel better.
i can relate to alot of the stuff youve said, though i tend to think myself way too unnaccepted and odd and put up a generic front instead. we all have those days, i didnt go anywhere as well, my friends went to new york and went elsewhere with family they love, i stayed at home in my room away from a family that i dont really like. like you i was bullied till about 8th grade, from then on i got haters who hated when i wasnt around, so i didnt particularly care. i think to myself im put here for a reason, and even though my life could turn out really bad, if i can find my true purpose, id have made a difference to the future by doing so.
(!)(!)(!) <-- First, you need to smile. Second, strength isn't about brute muscle :bang: and that crap that doesn't work. It's about knowing that no matter what, nobody can change you. You are who you are and that's that. What you need is just to climb the biggest hill/mountain you can find and just scream ":***: you" world. Don't let people's ignorance and hate tear at you. HOW??? Well that is your choice. Me personally, I fight fire with fire. Some people need supporting troops (friends). Either way, never give in. By the way, you got a friend in me (*hug*) P.S. - And you say why should you feel valued??? You are a very good writer. Your post had a lot of good imagery and metaphors. There is value in that:icon_bigg FEEL BETTER. (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)
... Yes, there are these days, these days when you remember every thoughtless insult thrown your way since you were five to the present day, think you're an exceptional failure behind whatever image you project to the world at the moment, hate it for forcing you to resort to these projected images, and not accepting you for what you truly are. Days you're moping in despair. Back in my mid-teens i cried myself to sleep every night sometimes. Nowadays I don't, but just a few months ago I got a new, excellent reason to brood like that: A project I had been working in, something I've spent tons of effort, ingenuity and creativity on, those crazy 200-hours crunch weeks, and called people names about... It was all worthless. The customer it was made for went bust. Poof! 5 years of my life I was proud of made meaningless in a single bad financial bet by someone I didn't even know existed. ... These days suck. Do they mean you're worthless? No. They just mean you're a human being. Reality does make unrealistic expectations of you sometimes, like it does about everyone else. It's not your problem. It's not a problem at all, looked at right way. It's just nature's loving message to you that you're not a sociopathic jerk and never had been. There is that cult of "self-esteem" at all costs in a modern society. It's a cult, because no one bar complete manipulative sociopath can feel good about everything they do and everything that happens to them. It has its scriptures, some of them with names starting with "Chicken soup," its preachers and churches, and millions of followers and its promise of eternal bliss as you walk from success to success is seductive. But you don't need to worship with them. No one's forcing you. YES YOU'RE WORTHWHILE, your down days, genuine and imagined failures and all. Anyone who has a doubt about it is an idiot. Yes, I'm good, even though I had to do things that make my soul cringe. I had no choice. Yes, I'm good even though I feel like I'm a total failure, - it's just a feeling, and it too shall pass. Yes, I'm good precisely because of all those, - they mean I can see things in myself that are there for what they are and try and become better. Not feel, - become. That's the only way forward, - self improvement instead of self-esteem or self-harm. Inevitable screw-ups and all. /wanted to add something about kittens, but thought better of it. Ability to realistically imitate cat meow and vocally pass for a cat establishes me as a "cat-crazy" pretty definitely. One day I would be able to keep cats again.../
I just want to say, I admire how strong you are and you are in inspiration already. Don't give into your suicidal thoughts you have a lot to live for it may not seem like it now, but I'm sure you will see in time, just hold on Thank you for that.
Honestly, I think many issues of self-esteem stem less from an inaccurate view of one's self, and more from an inaccurate view of others. I think most of us have ourselves pegged fairly well. We probably focus more on our negative attributes than the positive ones, but we seem to know our strengths and weaknesses fairly accurately. But then when we look at others, we seem to idealize them. We see nothing but people who "have their shit together". They're always happy, they're always confident, they know precisely what they want and how to get it, and they handle all problems that come their way with graceful aplomb. But see, they're not really like that. They're just like you. They worry that they're making the wrong choices, and wrong decisions. They worry about what people think of them. We're ALL just a bundle of issues and neuroses and whatnot wrapped up in human skin. And I say this not to knock everybody down from their (supposed) pedestal, but to make you realize just how level the playing field is. Your father and brother teased you and bullied you not because you were worthless. I know plenty of people who are less attractive than me, or less skilled, or less athletic, or fatter, or anything else. You probably do, too. And, like me, you probably don't go out of your way to tease them, or remind them of the fact. Because...well, why would you? What would that aid? It MAY be your father (and possibly even your brother) was from the old school. Where it was believed that you raised your children like a boot camp, and that by belittling them and telling them that they were worthless, they'd try extra-hard to NOT be worthless. But chances are pretty good that your brother (and possibly even your father) told you you were worthless...because THEY felt THEY were worthless. Because one cop-out response to feeling inferior is to try to feel superior to SOMEBODY. As long as your brother could feel superior to somebody else, he wouldn't feel so bad about all of his own faults. And guess who was convenient for him to do that to? So first thing - congratulate yourself. Because you didn't follow in their footsteps. You didn't "learn" that the way to feel better about yourself was to make somebody else feel worse about THEMselves. That would've been the easiest course of action (and it's probably where your brother got it), but you didn't go that route. So good for you. Next up, you just start learning to accept you. To like you. To love you. Imagine you had a boyfriend. And, since no boyfriend is perfect, imagine some of the "faults" he might have. Maybe he's overweight. Maybe he's clumsy. Maybe he's awkward in social settings. Would you hate him for these things? Criticize him severely for them? Break up with him over them? Of course not - you're his boyfriend, so you presumably like him despite these "imperfections" - imperfections we all have some of. And see, it's exactly the same with yourself. You don't have to be perfect for you to love you, the same way we all don't demand perfection in our friends and partners. We love our friends and partners, even though we know they've got issues and whatnot. And we can - and should - love ourselves for the same reason. That isn't to say our issues shouldn't ever be "worked on", or that we shouldn't ever try to improve. But we shouldn't feel that such issues make us unworthy of our own love. Because they aren't. You're a full-rounded, flawed, imperfect human being with issues. Just like the rest of us. Welcome to the club. Lex
That's probably the single most insightful and straight-to-the point thing I ever heard anyone say on the issue. Thanks, Lex!
Sunsetting: I didn't suffer as much as you did, but I had very low self esteem. And I did attempt suicide. Luckily and by God's help, I did not succeed. But I did get counseling after my attempt. Deep in my core being, I did not like/love myself and that was a seat of my problems. And being gay was a part of me that I really didn't like. How can I love anyone if I don't love me? Finally, after many years of self hatred, I love me...gay and all. If I weren't gay, I would have been a sicko jerk. Being gay has made me who I am, and I wouldn't give that up for anything. If you can get counseling, do it. It will help you so much. I was never a believer until I went: it turned me around. I've read your posts. Your words are a window into your soul. I am so impressed by who you are deep inside. You are such an amazing, caring person. Now care for yourself and amaze yourself. You've got it in you! A big bear hug, Tracker
