I recently started searching for a way to have top surgery (bilateral mastectomy) before I turn 18 as my feelings of physical dysphoria have been getting worse and I needed a way to deal with them, and I finally found a (legal) surgeon in Spain (where my parents live) who has taken the issue of performing ftm surgery on a minor to court and won, and who might be able to do the same for me. This is literally the most important thing in my life and has been for a long time and my dad is refusing to let me do it. I don't know what to do or how to change his mind but I just feel like killing myself right now. Help?
Well, please don't resort to that. (*hug*) If there are options out there (such as the doctor you've found), then there are ways to deal with the situation that will work out for you. Why is your dad refusing to let you do it? Is it because he's opposed to the idea, or doesn't want to pay for it, or something else? What is that conversation like?
Do I understand correctly that once you are 18 the parents permission issue is no longer a problem? And I suppose money is likely to be an issue even after that at your age, if your family isnt going to support it? I know you've suffered through a lot already, and its horrible to have to wait. But whats a year or two compared with the whole life you have ahead of you once your able to make the change? I can't claim to know what its like living in the wrong kind of body. It sounds like its hell for you... If thats so, just imagine what heaven it could be when your finally able to make it right. And if your dad doesnt support you, well at least you know us here at EC do! (&&&)
I don't consciously want to kill myself, but for the last few days I've just felt like it, like constantly. Its the first time in about three years that I've felt this way for an extended period of more than a single night. *sigh* I haven't got a clue. He's said before that he'll pay for my top surgery privately, and this one is cheaper than the british ones. And he always says he's going to support me fully, although I think maybe he thought he wouldn't have to deal with actual surgery for over a year (because of waiting lists and that). The conversation (and every one I've had since then) went like this: Alex: Why won't you let me do this? Dad: Don't tell me I haven't been supporting you. I've done everything I can to get you medical help. Alex: You haven't done this, and you're refusing to Dad: You'll just have to wait a little bit longer Alex: *tries to explain how I feel that waiting would be detrimental to mental health* Dad: You've got a doctor's appointment at the end of january. Alex: Yes but thats in england, and I can't get surgery there Dad: (see line two and repeat) He basically attacks my motives behind questioning him, or disassociates and answers a different question. Its driving me crazy. Yes, I can get surgery once I'm 18, but if I don't have parental support, then I don't have the money for it, and I'd have to get on the public healthcare waiting list, which can be up to two years (and I can't get on the list before I'm 18). And I feel kind of betrayed because they promised to support me completely. I know what your saying about the rest of my life is true rationally, but its hard to think rationally when i feel like this. Like all the pain isn't worth it. Yeah Thanks for your support EC.
Well, while I don't know your dad, it sounds like he's at least being as supportive as he can - the subject of surgery has come up before and he's even offered to pay for it, and that sounds like a positive sign. It seems like he just doesn't understand the urgency that you're feeling. My suspicion would be that his reluctance to make the surgery happen asap might have to do with a fear that you're moving too fast, haven't thought about it enough, or his impression that it's not as big of a deal for you as it is. Have you talked to him about your (what I'm assuming is) depression and suicidal thoughts? It sounds like he really does care for you, and if he doesn't know about this yet, it might make it a lot clearer for him why this is so important for you.
I know the doctor in England can't refer you for surgery, but could they maybe give a professional opinion that it is in your best interests to have the surgery soon? Or refer you to someone who can? Not sure if that would sway your dad, but it might be worth a try.
If I tell them how I feel they use it against me. This always happens. I've been too open with my parents (or anyone actually), and I end up deeply regretting it. Yes, I have trust issues, but they are well founded. And if it gets out, I may not be eligible for surgery and hormones. Its incredibly stupid to do it like that, but theres nothing I can do about it.
Well, maybe you can wait to see your doctor in England and then ask them about that surgery in Spain. 1/ it will prove to your dad you don't rush into thing and you're taking is opinion in account by waiting for your appointment 2/ if your doctor isn't opposed to the idea of having surgery in Spain, it might actually be an argument to convince your father I know the situation must be very frustrating for you, but try to put yourself in your father's shoes for a minute. I think he is just scared that you could rush into things and may end up regretting it for the rest of your life. I know you're not feeling the same way at all and that you're hurting being slow down in your transition, but try to see it from your dad's point of you for a minute. Obviously he loves you and supports you, but he is scared that you may do the wrong choice and he is simply trying to do what he thinks is best for you. Maybe you should start a conversation with him asking him about his fears rather than just saying "But you said you'd support me and now you don't want let me perform surgery right now !". That might help the both of you being more open about your feelings and worries and to understand each other better. Take care, Cécile
