I thought I had accepted myself and was happy, I came out to some people and I got a bit awkward about it but just as I got used to it word spread and suddenly everyone knew. Since everyone found out though, I've been getting really paranoid about how they feel, I know it's just me over-thinking it all but I can't help it. Now whenever I'm alone, I think about everything and start to get depressed, and sometimes even suicidal, I've realized I'm not happy or comfortable with the way I am. I've been thinking for a while how I want the easy way out, the only thing that stops me is the fact that it would destroy my mum and I don't want to hurt her but I don't feel like I can carry on as I am. I even think about how different things would be if I stayed in the closet, I know it sounds stupid but when I was in the closet I felt more comfortable and happier. I know I'm overreacting but I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm tired of being depressed and just want to live my life happily no matter what sexuality I am but I feel like I can't actually accept myself. I also got back in touch with a friend who told me he was bi a couple of years ago so I could speak to someone in person about it to make myself feel better but I don't think he's acknowledged the fact that he's bi since he told me so I don't know if I should try talking to him, not to mention he's one of those people who like to gossip about other people to everyone. Should I try talking to him about being gay and see if he still knows he's bisexual or should I just avoid the subject with him?
Your final part really confuses me. You're friend said he's bi, but hasn't acknowledged that he's bi (?) and you're wondering if he still knows he's bi? If he told you he's bi, he's probably bi. I'm bi. I've been bi since I was 7. Nothing's changed. As to everything else? I think we all sometimes get that kind of feeling. Wanting to be like everyone else whether you're a hybrid or a pure breed lol. I won't lie, sometimes it sucks wondering what people are thinking. Fearing what people are thinking. But, personally, I also find that to be the cool part. What separates you from every other super hero with super powers in comics? Only that you can't fly or super speed or lift a train over your head. Want to know what remains? Everything else! All that courage, all that strength, everything that people look up to - being an outsider YOU are a part of that. Hell, think of homophobic republicans as those pushing such things as 'the mutant registration act', in the end who wins? The good guys. Good guys always win even in life. And gotta tell you, that feeling? Is beyond awesome! Knowing that in some way you're going through the same trials and tribulations as the Justice League or the Avengers did while growing up. Knowing that? Makes it all worth while. Hang in there dude, cause I got a feeling - you have the strength and courage to. Things get better in time. Adolescent angst is the minefield, but once past that? The world's your oyster.
Sorry I haven't slept well lately and I'm tired and I've just realized I could have worded that part better. Basically what I meant was he's never came out to anyone else and it's like he's been in denial since, before we stopped speaking we experimented with each other and ended up going more or less all the way, and after that he always acted straight (even if we were alone together he'd keep acting straight, I tried bringing it up and he just changed the subject and said he didn't want to talk about it) so I don't know if I should bring it up to him when I next see him. And thanks for the reply, I feel a little better knowing that other people have felt the same way, makes me feel like I could get through it if I really try. I just hope I can get there without doing something stupid, I've got some really good friends to talk to about it and I know there's a lot of support here on EC.
Well, it's especially hard for bi dudes to come out. He felt safe with you because you're gay. He also likes girls and well, that's where it gets complicated. Girls don't like bi guys that much. It scares them off. Thus, it's better for bi guys to keep it in the dark when out and about. I'd never want to talk about it in public for example or want everyone to know either. Whereas gay guys don't lose anything really from being out - we could in a sense. It's a very murky water to navigate. I wasn't out in high school or college so I can only imagine - in that word travels fast. If when you're absolutely alone with him and no one at all is around - and he still has difficulty talking about it, maybe he is similarly "ashamed" of himself due to wrongful public perception or maybe he just was bicurious and found out he wasn't. If he's avoided it when in public it's definitely because you're in a place where he could easily see people from school - it's... as said... extremely tricky. Luckily, I'm out now and think I can keep a dual life (not dual partners) so that doesn't crop up. But, being bi? Basically lots of more obstacles to maneuver.
In my Opinion i think you care too much about how people will judge you/think of you, the vilification kind of comes with the territory of being gay you know? I think it was wrong how your secret spread, but you need to face the consequences in order to get past the bad, and who knows, maybe you've been putting too much emphasis on the worst that might not even be there. And i honestly dont think you have accepted yourself for being gay either, you need to learn that being gay is not a problem, but a gift that should be used correctly and not "wasted". being happy requires waaaayyy less energy than being scared or fearful. how about trying again? only this time, try focusing on other things you would normally do, just anything that prevents you from 'thinking about the problems', haters are gonna hate, you cant stop that. just continue living like any other person, don't let being gay define how everyone see's you, because that's only one aspect, it's up to you to show the others.
