I'm feeling so down right now. Like I should be stronger and braver and more aware of myself since I'm an adult (24). But I'm not. I just spent over a week with my family. I'd been sort of hoping to talk to my parents about questioning my sexuality and my gender identity. Instead I took Aderall every day to squash my feelings so I could go on like everything was fine. Now they've left and I'm so tired. I feel like I'm lying to everyone. I talked with my sister a bit and she's supportive and I know my parents would be too. I just don't want anything to change. There's so much I have to go through to figure myself out and get comfortable being whoever I am. I live with my boyfriend and he just met my whole extended family over the holidays. Now we've decided we're going to get a cat which is the stupidest idea on my part because I don't think I can stay with him much longer. I bounce between ignorant bliss and severe fear of the future, all the while getting our lives more entwined and harder to untangle. He's my best friend, I just know that something is missing. Also, I've been thinking about my gender identity every day for the past couple months. I've always felt so different from other people and there were a few things in my past that make me think I might be trans of some kind. I hated puberty, liked wearing boys clothes (though thought I looked like all the other girls when I wore them), and was afraid I was growing a penis. I don't know. I'm such a tangled mess.
Hi. Let me try to get this straight: you are a female who questioning if she is truly a he? And you have a boyfriend who is your bestfriend? Do you love each other? If I asked you face to face, eye to eye, do you love him, would you lie? You should talk to him. Sometimes people get itchy when they are overwhelmed. When I have a million ideas zooming in my head, I've got a billion issues to deal with, and all I wanna do is sit down, it can get really overstimulating. It tears me down because I feel like I can't address it, that I'm a screw up, or that I will be forever empty or something. Sometimes you just gotta slow down and address each issue as they come to your attention. If you have too many issues to deal with, shove some aside, just think through what you immediately have to do. Talk to your boyfriend. Sit him down. Don't just crash out of nowhere with this. Have a good, deep conversation and speak honestly about this. If he loves you, he will help you and may even support you. Perhaps he would like being with a transexual. If he doesn't feel comfortable with that, then if he loves you, he will still be your friend. If he doesn't accept what you are feeling, then he either doesn't love you or he is dealing with something along the same lines. Maybe you do need change, but sometimes you don't need drastic change. A little change is enough to be healthy and enough to feel freshed. Change how you cook your food. Do something more or less in the day.
