1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

When someone you have been dating abandons you and ends all Communication....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by M4MWEAR, Jan 2, 2012.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. M4MWEAR

    M4MWEAR
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2012
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Have you ever dated a man who just cut off all connections? Eight or nine months and then out of the blue they just cut you off with now explanation. That's why my post keeps returning and will till I can get the idiot to explain to me what I did wrong. I have done nothing. I just want an apology and and explanation. I know I probably won't get it because people who have no integrity do not take ownership of their actions. It is a childish attempt I admit but, sometimes you just need to hear those two words.. "I'm Sorry." Especially when you know you did nothing wrong and still have their Christmas present under the tree..... So, for those who keep flagging the posts I think you should try to understand and put yourself in my shoes.....

    I have already apologized for being childish. What else can I do but except his unjustified behavior. That's what people like him leave you... Hence the stupid posts..

    Sorry all....

    I wrote this to his mother who he lives with but never gave to her..


    Dear Mrs. [last name removed] :

    My name is Mark the guy who was dating your son Mark over this last year. I just wanted to clarify what really happen between your son Mark and me.

    On one our first date your son demanded to pay for everything, I had called him while he was eating a $50.00 steak by himself and he wanted me to join him. The second date we spent the evening talking about my relationships past. That was also the same night that he tried to give me a blow job in front of an Ice Cream shop full of parents and children. I refused which was hard because he was all hands.

    After several dates I had to work late one night. When I got out early I called Mark and he sent me a text, stating he was in a hot tub wasted. I later found out that he was in a hot tub in with a gay couple smoking pot and drinking wine. He had lied to me about what he was doing that night and cried and asked me for forgiveness for lying to me. I found out that these two guys invited Mark to their house put porn on a large screen TV, where they gave him pot called "Train Wreck" and wine. They then both proceeded to take advantage of him sexually and he told me he felt guilty. I had to tell him he was date raped...

    A couple of weeks later when I had to go work and I called him unexpectedly, when my appointment was cancelled, he seemed nervous on the phone and I questioned him. I found out he was at another man's house with him naked. Mark said he had no intention of having sex with him but cried over and over again for forgiveness. I told him if he wanted to keep seeing me that should have never went over there in the first place and, if he actually had not intent on doing anything he wouldn't be crying like he was.

    After three months Mark got an idea to help me get ahead. After having horrible employers and years of being very financially depressed and Mark's insistence, I accepted his help because he lead me to believe he was very financially well off. He had a good job with IBM, two cars and no debt so he had plenty of money. The money he was to give me was just extra to him and it would mean more to him to help me, then the money meant to him. I kept telling him "No" but after demanding it was to be a loan and that I wouldn't just accept it as a gift, I accepted his offer. . . Which he wanted inequitably wanted to give me no strings attached. I convinced him that and I would accept his help as long as I could pay him back. It had to be a loan. This was also around the time Mark also insisted in trying to help me buy a house. The house I was in was being foreclosed on and could I afford the monthly payments and, he really wanted to help me get one because it was one of my dreams to own a home and the payments would be less then rent besides. He backed out of the deal I believe because he never really thought it would go through. When he did with less than a day before he was to sign the papers, I got upset. If I had known his actual financial situation would have never accepted any offers of help from him at all. I had no idea the spent his check every month and lived check to check. If I had I wouldn't considered any of his offers because I wouldn't put someone in that situation wasn't that well off himself. This is besides the fact I am not one to accept something for nothing.

    Once the loan occurred Mark began spending more and more time with me. If he had free time he would spend it with me. I kept insisting he spend more time at home but, I kind of enjoyed having company after being alone for so long. It finally got to the point where I couldn't get him to go home. He would leave my house sometimes at 3:00 & 4:00am and he would have to be to work the next morning. I told him he was crazy and it had to stop. I told him he should spend more time at home with you. I asked him if you wouldn't be lonely. He insisted that you were fine and you liked being alone.

    Well, after five months and troubles with the business we got in a few arguments. Mark would show up at my house calling me and texting me incessantly. It got so crazy at times I blocked him from my phone. So, then he would come by my house. But, once I calmed down I began to feel sorry for him we would talk things out. I was making him feel bad about himself. I could tell Mark had a lot of self esteem issues. But, I am pretty sound minded and tried to help and talk those through with him. That may explain some of the changes in his behavior over the last three months. I think I kind of helped him find his back bone.

    Well, now after almost a year. Mark has decided to lie to me again. Not really sure what the reasons are but he insists it's no one else in his life. I don't really believe him as when someone one changes their behavior towards you so dramatically without explanation; it's been my experience they have something to hide.
    I am willing to move on without Mark and am very upset with him because he is not giving me any explanation and has basically been cruel and disrespectful to me after all I have done for him and with him in the past. I am very insulted and hurt. Unlike him I start caring about someone months and up to a year after I have been seeing him. He on the other hand uses the world "Love" right off the bat and uses his money to impress men. I didn't and don't care about that. He spent the last several months of our relationship asking for a wedding ring. The repeated asking drove me crazy because I was not ready for that.

    Now that I do care and he is gone. I am hurt. I am manly hurt because he has disrespected me and I am pretty sure lying to me. That is the one thing that I told him has hurt me in the past and is what I hated the most in the world, and that is dishonesty. . When I caught him with other men in the beginning I should have just left. But, he insisted he would never do it again to me. I should have known better because now he is doing it again, I have learned a long time ago when someone has honesty issues right from the beginning you should leave. Sometimes I don't listen to my intuition like I should.

    Mrs. [removed] what I am asking is that Mark have the decency to tell me what he doing and just be honest with me. I believe I deserve that. I think he owes that to me. If he does I can drop some of the hurt I am feeling right now. I would appreciate asking him to tell me the truth.

    He has helped me a lot and I am very grateful. I have helped him too in the ways that I could and I am sure you aware of that. So, I believe at minimum I deserve that. So, if you could ask him to speak with me and be honest I can move on and so can we go on two wiser people with no anger and hurt. Until he does that this will dig at me mentally for long time and I don't think I deserve that.

    Thanks for your help.

    Mark :help:
     
    #1 M4MWEAR, Jan 2, 2012
  2. starfish

    starfish
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2008
    Messages:
    3,368
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hippie Town, Alberta of the US
    I'm glad that you did not give the letter this mom. Because frankly it is none of her business. It would only serve to piss him off.

    I get that he hurt you. I would recommend just letting it go. You may never know why he took off. There are things in life that we just will never have the answers to. Like what happened to Jimmy Hoffa or what was in the brief case in the movie Ronin.
     
    #2 starfish, Jan 2, 2012
  3. Rooni321

    Rooni321
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2011
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco, California <3
    Agreed.

    That is way too much to bring his mother into. I would be mortified if I opened a letter from an ex and that was the context. If you MUST send her a letter tone the details down, she doesn't deserve you're anger.

    And I've been through the same things but with really close friends. All you have to do is accept it, know not to let that person back into your heart, and move on. There is nothing you can do to force an answer out of them. And if it is forced, it will most likely be a lie. Don't do that to yourself, you are better than that. I know its hard but stay strong and you will get through it. Hey, you might be better off without him.
    Learn from this experience, try not to dwell on it.

    <3
     
    #3 Rooni321, Jan 2, 2012
  4. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,560
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, Mark.

    Welcome to EC. I'm sorry that you're joining under such difficult circumstances, but I'm glad you've joined, and you're definitely in the right place.

    You made a comment about your posts being flagged, and yet this is your first post at EC, which leads me to believe that perhaps you've posted this message in another community. Rest assured, we don't remove posts at EC for this sort of thing, so you don't need to worry about that.

    I can't tell you what's going on inside your (now ex-) boyfriend's head, but I can share with you a gem that my therapist shared with me when I was in a somewhat similar situation:

    We can expect that events in our life will always end in a neat and tidy way, but the truth is, life isn't always need and tidy. Sometimes things happen for which we feel entitled to an explanation, but for which none is forthcoming. And that's simply the way life is. So in those circumstances, we can keep clawing and try to extract the closure we feel we deserve, but in many cases, it won't be forthcoming, and in many others, if it is, it won't be what we wanted. So it's usually best to just let go.

    That was a difficult thing for me to hear, but it was an "aha" moment. As I sat and thought about it in the days after the session, I realized that the therapist was right. And that, in turn, made it much easier for me to simply move on.

    As for the aspect of writing a letter to his mother... my own opinion is that's way over the line. Assuming you' and Mark are both adults, the relationship, and whatever issues are coming up as a result of it, is between you and him. Attempting to drag his mother into it is grossly inappropriate, regardless of what entitlement you feel you have to an explanation.

    It might be worthwhile to examine how you interacted in the relationship and see if perhaps you were clingy, or controlling, or demanding, or something else that might have pushed Mark away. The fact he was cheating on you tells me that something wasn't right with the relationship, but the fact that you stayed with him after he cheated repeatedly also tells me you may not have the strongest self-esteem, otherwise why would you stay with someone that's betrayed your trust more than once?

    Finally, given the intermeshed nature of the relationship, it doesn't sound like it was ever very healthy, so perhaps he is realizing that and is letting go, and doesn't want to talk to you about it for fear you'd convince him to stay in it.

    While it's hard, I really think the best thing for you is to let it go and move forward. I would strongly suggest you consider seeing a therapist, as I think it would be really helpful to explore some of the themes you've brought up in the letter.

    I hope this helps.
     
    #4 Chip, Jan 2, 2012
  5. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    hello. do not give the letter to his mom. it will make you look at a stalker.

    the person has cut all ties with you. you cannot force anyone to talk to you or explain anything to you. after 8 months you need to accept that.

    yes, i have been in your shoes where i did nothing wrong but someone cut me completely off and never talked to me again. it hurt, i was confused, i wanted answers that never came. what i had to realize and what you need to realize is that sometimes it's not about you. sometimes it's everything about you. sometimes its about them and has nothing to do wiht you. sometimes its both. but whatever combination it is, all you can do is move on. rethink what you may have done or where you can grow and better youurself for the new relationship. if this person wishes to contact you, they will but at this point, you need to let it go, work on yourself, and move on.
     
    #5 insidehappy, Jan 3, 2012
  6. Eleanor Rigby

    Eleanor Rigby
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Messages:
    2,767
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    France
    Hi Mark,

    I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I know it's very difficult for you and I understand you're sad and angry. However, I don't think giving this letter to his mother would help you in any way.
    I don't think it's appropriate to involve his mother into your relationship. You were both adults, you decided to date and that always imply taking the risk to be hurt. You've taken that risk and yes, right now, you're hurting very much. But I don't think involving your ex-boyfriend's mother into this will help at all, and it's likely going to make things worse.
    I know you're longing for closure and for your ex to tell you that he is sorry for the pain he put you through. The thing is, I doubt it's going to happen, and it's even less likely to happen if you send this letter to his mom.
    When I was 19, I had a boyfriend that I was completely in love with. He left me just before Christmas holidays break, without a word of explanation. He was supposed to come to my place and he never showed up. We were supposed to go on a trip for the new year, and he never showed up either. For two weeks, he never returned a single phone call. It was like he had simply disappeared from earth.
    I was madly worried, I call all hospitals in the city, I called his friends, I tried to find his father's phone number (and fortunately) I didn't succeeded.
    At the end of christmas break, we had exams. He showed up, saw me and go to sit at the opposite side of the classroom.
    By this moment, I should have understood that it was over and I should have let it go. But I was 19, I was in love, I was in pain and I thought I at least deserved and explanation. So I waited for him at the end of the exam and asked him for an explanation.
    Not only I didn't get any explanation or apology, but what he told me then was incredibly hurtful.
    More than 10 years later, I don't think he meant what he told me then. I think he was just angry that I "didn't get the message" so to speak and he told me the most nasty thing he could think about to get rid of me.
    Did it help me to find closure ? Absolutely not. In fact it made things far worse, because it crushed the last bit of self-esteem I had left and from that moment, I went down deeper and deeper in depression for 8 months. It took me one year to get over my heartbreak and find a new boyfriend, but it took me several years and a therapy to rebuild what had been broken inside me that day.
    I understand that you're hurting a lot, but I think that you're very much at risk to make things worse for yourself by sending this letter.
    You're boyfriend is not going to come back. And lets face it, if he had wanted to apologize for the way he had been treating you, he would have done that already.The best thing you can do for yourself now is let it go. If you're trying to pursue him to get the apology you think you deserve, it's very possible that instead of it, he would tell you very hurtful things out of anger that are going to haunt your for a long time. Spare this to yourself, because you already know all that you need to know : it's over.
    Cry as much as you want, feel entitled to be sad and angry. See your friends, get support, and be sure that with time, the pain will fade away.

    Take care, (*hug*) Cécile
     
    #6 Eleanor Rigby, Jan 4, 2012
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)