Half Supportive: Gay Guys-Yay! Gay Girls-WTF Face

So my Aunt. Love her like she's my sister. We're best friends. Came out to the family, she's been the most supportive. (Considering what this thread is about that's saying something about my other family members.) Here's the thing. Sometimes I think my Aunt accepts me, but doesn't acknowledge what it is she's accepting, if that makes any sense. We'll yap about funny scenarios about dating and marriage and she'll say "she" instead of "he" but whenever we see lesbians on tv or they just come up in conversation, she'll say some pretty offensive things. Now you think she wouldn't say these things because my Aunt always makes it known that she loves gay people. She's even always pairing up straight characters from shows for fun, defending gay people on forums, stuff like that. Only at those times, those gay people happen to be male.

Some lesbians pop up on tv and she gets all quiet and makes her judgemental I-just-don't-get-it face and say "I just don't understand, why would a lesbian date a girl who looks and acts like a guy, why not just be with a guy? If you want a girl, why not be with a real girl?" Then of course, I try to give some kind of explanation and she cuts me off.

My thing is, bitch (sorry Aunt, I love you, but this calls for the "B" word) I have never heard you say anything like that about gay men. You've never asked "why don't gay men who date girly guys, just date girls?" Never seemed disgusted by it, in fact you've actually said shit like "Aw, how cute, his little uke!" And I remember before I was out, plenty of times where she would go on a defensive rampage if anyone did ask that question or say anything bad about flamboyant gay guys in general. So even minus the dating, gay guys who act like girls are cool and awesome, but gay girls who act like guys are weird and stupid.

I hate to say this but it seems like my Aunt is more supportive of gay men than lesbians (or BT people for that matter) and the problem with that is I'm a lesbian, which is why I think she also tries to exclude me from that community. Meaning she makes negative comments and mean jokes as if she doesn't realize she's talking to a lesbian. (But you see, I'm not "one of those" lesbians...I know wtf, right?) She goes out of her way to make sure I don't look or act like a lesbian, warning me against plaid and telling me I should learn how to decorate because they say lesbians aren't good at that, telling me I better not bring back some muscley "butch" with a buzz cut and a deep voice or become that way. But if I was a your gay nephew and I brought home Kurt from Glee or better yet, became Kurt from Glee, everything would be fine?

My Aunt watches yaoi, writes gay fiction novels, eeks and squeals over Nate Berkus, the whole 9. Gay men are up on this "they're so cool" pedistal that the fucking gods can't even reach. Problem is: I'm not a gay man. I'm a lesbian, but guess what, she doesn't seem to like lesbians. It's gotten to a point where I have to pretend I'm not "one of them" when I'm around her and gab about how awesome gay men are, how superior to lesbians they are (yes we've actually had this conversation and I've never felt so bad in my life. ) She acts as if gay men are all the same every where and they're all awesome, just like she thinks all lesbians are the same everywhere and they all suck. And get this, my Aunt doesn't even know any gay people, except me! So where the hell is she getting her information, I don't even know. All I know is when it comes to lesbians she puts on her annoyed face and only has passive aggressive negative things to say. I mean sorry I wasn't born a boy, is that what I should say to her? Or I'm sorry I couldn't be the type of gay person you prefer?

Is anyone going through this? Should I say something to her? I want to sometimes, but my family has it drilled into me that my gayness is something that shouldn't be talked about, so I feel this fear take over my sense of pride and bravery. I don't want to make a big deal and everyone uncomfortable again. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this feeling around my Aunt and most of the time I don't, but it's the times that I do which hurt the most. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I'm tired of :tears: over it.

What a mind fuck my life has become, I tell ya. I'm tired. I wish I had stayed in the damn closet. Jeez. :dry:

 

As someone who used to be in the yaoi/slash fandoms, it's a very female-dominated scene, and I can tell you that the majority of the women involved don't care about gay rights. Not all, but most of them, just find the idea of two men --- the more feminine, the better in a lot of cases --- to be hot. Nothing more. It also tends to reinforce the feminine gay male stereotype, and often one of the characters is depicted as the "woman" in the relationship, in order for the audience member to put herself in their place.

Yaoi fans can still be homophobic, both towards gay men and lesbians. I mean, think of it this way: people have rape fantasies, but that doesn't mean they support rapists; it's a fantasy that they find arousing, not something they really want to happen to them/others in real life. Just because your aunt is attracted to the thought of two men together sexually, don't confuse that with being supportive. I feel I should throw that out there.

The next time you're in a situation where your aunt makes an offensive comment about lesbians, I would just tell her she's being out of the line and that the things she's saying are hurtful. Just tell her you appreciate that, unlike the rest of your family, she acknowledges your sexual orientation, but that her comments about lesbians make you uncomfortable.

 

Yeah I understand that yoai doesn't equal support of gay rights, but the weird thing is my Aunt does support gay rights and actual gay people. She makes a big deal out of defending gay men online or making a fuss if someone makes fun of or talks badly about whatever out gay guy there is in Hollywood these days. The only lesbian I haven't heard her speak bad about it Ellen Degeneres, but we don't talk about her as much as the amazing Nate Berkus. I just think when she thinks of the word gay, only gay men are popping into her head and that whole fashion designer, work it girlfriend, GBF person pops into her head. And it confuses me because even though the only word used sometimes is "gay" people usually aren't just talking about gay men. I know that, but not so sure Aunt does sometimes.

I hate that I'm starting to sound like some kid whining about not getting as much attention as my sibling or something. "She talks about that kind of gay, more than my kind of gay, meh."

Jeez. :dry:

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2012 at 11:18 AM ----------

Yeah that makes sense. She can relate to gay men because they got that whole penis loving thing in common. I've had straight female friends who haven't been the nicest about me being a lesbian because they think two girls together are gross, but they have gay male friends and always say "we love gay people." Yeah...maybe it's a penis loving thing. But those are teenagers, silly girls who I thought were my friend and are easy to forget. This is my Aunt. I grew up with this woman, we've been close since I was born. I think I'm just more disappointed than anything that she of all people would be anything like those girls.

She can be very strict about how men and women are supposed to be...well men and women. Her gender role issues do pretty deep. She's told me things like she'd never want a guy she was dating to rest his head on her shoulder because she's the woman so her head should be on his shoulder. Once we were joking around about things her boyfriend would wear to bed or to be funny one night and she said if her boyfriend ever put on her heels as a joke or put on her underwear for whatever reason she would dump them on the spot on the suspicion that he might be gay. In some of the marriage scenarios we gab about with me I'm either the husband (lazy, sitting on a couch watching tv while my wife is in the back cooking) or I'm in the kitchen cooking while whoever my wife is plays the funny, lazy husband. When we're laughing and joking during the scenarios, it's not so bad, but I always have this small feeling in me that justs wants to clarify that there isn't a "husband" or a "wife," and that I don't have to choose between being the roles or being the man or the woman in the relationship.

I know all this seems bad, but my Aunts a pretty cool lady. But she can also be really set in her ways. It can be really uncomfortable confronting her about things she's made up her mind about, especially her opinions on people. I've never brought up how her comments make me feel because I don't want to risk losing the one person that is most supportive of me by what would be defined as nit-picking, which could possibly lead to an argument of some kind. I don't want to debate about gay people and gender roles, it's so tiring and I have no interest in it. Knowing my Aunt, challenging her (as she would see it) on her views could lead to that. One day I'll work up the courage. I just wish I didn't need to say anything in the first place.