I'm gay but don't enjoy sex!

Well, it could be a combination of nerves and new stimuli.

Your penis gets used to a certain type of stimuli when it comes to getting off. a person isn't going to have the same rhythm or pressure that you have when you're doing it yourself so you have to get used to that new rhythm and stimuli.

 

i feel you dean. one thing, being drunk generally lowers climax ability, so it's probably that and also that you are so nervous about it.

i've never done anything 'anal' either and don't need. it's not the same for every guy and i can't go by the concepts in porn, there's alot of warped stuff there. i'm more interested in cuddling. it encourages what i really want which is someone with me, who i can hold and just love on, the sex is secondary to just cuddling with someone i like (even though i get real horny sometimes too hehehe).

dean, it sounds like you want things to move in some way that isn't you. just slow down and next time maybe make it a point just be with someone and cuddle during a movie.

 

A few thoughts.

* Somewhere near half of gay men "rarely" or "never" engage in anal sex. So don't feel that "being gay = loving anal".

* In each of the occasions where you've been with another guy, you've been "really drunk". Also, you've been unclear (and nervous) about what to do, and (apparently) been with somebody you didn't know very well. Given all this, it's amazing you performed at all. There ARE gay guys who just love sucking and fucking, no matter who's in bed with them. But others much prefer doing so within the confines of a relationship. Then they're not just "sucking dick" - they're sucking HIS dick. The one belonging to someone they care about. And so it adds an extra dimension - it's not just "I like doing this activity" but also "I enjoy making my partner feel good, and this does the trick."

* Porn is like sex with all the risk removed. The guy is as big as you want, does precisely what you want (on the screen), and the second you hit orgasm, you click the red X and he goes away. You don't have to consider HIS needs, or worry about whether you'll be pleasing HIM, or what HIS expectations are. Given this, it's not surprising so many people flock to it. But at the same time, like most things of this ilk, when you remove the risk, you minimize the reward. (What fun is a video game when you're guaranteed to succeed every time?) And in real-life sex, you're not stuck doing things to yourself - you get to do things to him, and he gets to do things to you.

It sounds like hook-ups aren't doing it for you. That's fine - just don't have them anymore. Instead, I'd say focus on getting your name out there, and eventually getting into a relationship. Because at that point, the sex takes on a whole 'nother dimension.

Lex

 

this is very true. i have learned to control myself and slow things down because porn trains us to come to climax really quick

 

Say no. It's possible they believe that's what's expected of them and may be in a similar quandary as you. It sounds to me like there's everything RIGHTZ with you. Your post says I don't like sex, but what it sounds like you mean is "I don't like and am not satisfied by meaningless sex". There's a huge diffence between meaningless sex and romantic involvement with someone about whom you have strong feelings and vice versa. Slow down, stop having meaningless sex and work at finding someone you are really into on an emotional level. Start slow with cuddling and kissing. Don't escalate until you're both sure it's something you want to do (practice safe sex too!) and you'll figure it out with someone in a loving mutually supportive context.

 

what we put out there is generally what we get back. i've been so longing for intimacy at times that i mix up intensity for intimacy and end up choosing the physical instead of the relational. it's more of a growth thing, to recognize what we're really looking for and to start looking in places that really gets that. bars, clubs and lots of hook-up places on the internet are the worst places to develop a real relationship.

i've been trying to figure out how to step into the glbt community and lots of people here have suggested activity based things. then it's not just a sensual desire for a guy, but a common interest that can link you with a person

 

^^^^ what he said.

 

>>>thanks for the advice, i would love to try a relationship but every guy i seem to meet online/ at clubs just seem to want to have sex on the 1st time meeting!?!?!?!

Clubs are mainly a meat market. I'm not say you can't meet somebody longterm in a club, but people tend to be on the prowl for "Mr Right Now" not "Mr Right".

Online - it'll depend. Some sites are weighted a lot heavier towards hook-ups, and others are weighted more towards "seeking LTR". And I guess you can't blame guys for thinking you're also interested in jumping into bed with them right away if you, y'know, jump in bed with them right away.

So first off, seek out sites where you see more ads of the "I like going to movies and concerts" type, and less of the "you be hot and hung" type. Then draft your own ad. And be very clear about what you want. You want to meet a guy, be friends first, proceed slowly. Filter out the responses you get, and see what happens.

Lex

 

I have a feeling speed dating for gays would involve a lot of trips to the back room.

Lex

 

LOL


OP...I totally hear you on this issue. I agree with Lex and others on here, sounds like what you are looking for is not in the bars/clubs. Clubs and bars, especially gay clubs around here, are so loud that there is really no way to have a conversation with someone. Do stuff that you like and keep your eyes open for potential partners in those places. If you like literature, go to a spoken word event, library, or book store. Places just for gay people may not necessarily draw in the type of guys you want.

 

Its ok to not want to have sex. You know being gay its kind of the norm to be a "slut". Its almost expected that you will want copious amounts of casual sex with all different strangers.
Personally I have never enjoyed casual sex at all. Im not saying that there is anything wrong with it but just that its not for everyone.
I have had a lot of casual sex when I was younger and it always left me feeling empty and dissatisfied. Occasionally you might meet a guy and feel like you wanted more but then you never see them again so it was kind of a pointless empty exercise all about short term gratification.

I felt I always wanted more than that. I wanted to be with somebody who meant something to me and visa versa. I didnt just want to be some piece of meat to be used up until I was too old and nobody would want me anymore. This is the harsh and depressing reality of the gay scene. In my early 30s I finally met that man and we have now been together over 15 years going strong.
Im not saying to save yourself for marriage or anything but if you don't feel like it, its not a big deal it just might mean that you need more of an emotional connection with someone. Also some people just dont have a huge drive. I know I dont and to b honest Im glad I don't because I don't want my life to be controlled by my sexual urges.

 

Neo
There are guys out there that don't like casual sex but they generally don't go to gay bars or spend half their life on dating apps etc.

 

Wow I could have written this very same topic myself. So relieved to know that I'm not the only gay man who feels this way. It's been impossible to be in a relationship with someone with my non-desire for sexual intercourse. I'm into everything else, but I'm made to feel something must be wrong with me since I have no interest in sex. I guess we're a rare breed. I just need to find more like-minded guys here in LA. Not sure if they exist here.