"You don't act gay"

Stereotypes are restricting. They cause people like yourself to want to change you they are just to fit the status quote. Never change who you are. You are not defined by someone's preconceived notions. You are you and should change for no one!

 

I used the fact that I didn't fit the stereotype as an excuse that I couldn't be gay early in my life. My teens years were all about sports and video games. In some ways not fitting the stereotype allowed me to hide my identity into adulthood, which seems to make it harder to come out now.

 

My brother for one, and my two friends who know my rotten secret have all in near unison exclaimed something very similar to, "dude, you don't act gay at all."

On the one hand, it does make being visible in the gay community that much more onerous, but it also gives me a sense of pride that I'm an individual, and not part of a collective psyche that self-reinforces bigotry from the outside too often enough.

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2012 at 08:11 PM ----------

Now, that said, do I have my feminine streaks too? Most certainly, but all guys do, gay and straight. I love history and reading up on decisive battles and war strategy through the ages, but as I'm as much enchanted by classical opera and the age of Lord Byron.

One of my friends identifies as straight, but gender-queer. He's a gun collector, but also enjoys collecting barbie dolls, and doesn't hide it at all, haha.

 

I always feel like I need to be the Stereotypical gay because then other gay guys will think I am straight because I see gay people I think are straight all the time. But, I realized just be who you always have been and who you are. Don't change.

 

I actually figured (quite honestly) that I couldn't be gay because I didn't fit the stereotype. Maybe it was a convenient excuse, but it certainly wasn't a conscious one.

 

i am masculine
most people don't assume that i'm attracted to men
people sometimes check me out, sometimes not
usually the more bold gay guys check me out
i am realizing that i don't have to be a stereotype at all and it is so freeing

 

I've also been told "But you don't look/act gay" and at first it bothered me.

I was also bothered by people making assumptions that I had a girlfriend or was checking out girls.

But I've reached a point of self realization where I can see It doesn't matter what you look like but what you are.

Also It's glad to know I'm not the only masculine/straight-looking gay guy in the world.

By the way I love Musical Theatre too!

 

most gay guys i know are the very effeminate type so it's easier to assume or obvious that they're gay, but i wouldn't expect gay guys to act feminine in general. you don't have to wear your sexuality like a sign written on your head or walk around screaming "i'm gay motherfuckers" for someone to accept you as gay. in the past homophobic people made it hard for gay guys because of their sexuality and now their making it hard for the "wrong" kind of gay. i think people who expect gay guys to act feminine are afraid they wouldn't be able to tell the difference, which isn't sincerely supportive. if they don't accept that you don't fit into their shelve then screw them, because it's their problem and like Suiadan already said, don't change.

 

My teen years were all about computers/video games, backyard films, sci-fi movies, and D&D, with a few neighborhood "Secret Missions thrown in. I hated shopping, and I certainly wasn't the best dresser in the world. The only signs that something was different were that I wasn't seen with a gf and I didn't attend school dances, but that only reinforced the "geek" persona.

 

I see where you're coming from. Society tries to restrict people into boxes that not everyone can fit in. I don't fit all the stereotypes but I do fit some. I agree that it can be hard to find someone to date if no one can tell that you are gay (but like you said, what does gay look like?). But don't change who you are, just be yourself and eventually things will work out.

 

Oh I was totally the same way, Lazyboy! I was the geek who didn't fit into any particular clique, and hung out with my other geekish guy friends.

And when time came for Prom, get this.. I was the only single guy there.. But what added insult to injury were all the comments from girls there saying, "(insert Smurf's real name), you look so good! Where's your date?"

It stings to this day when I recollect it.. But it had more to do with the fact that I was too shy to ask any girl out to begin with. Too shy and introverted..

 

No one ever thinks I'm a lesbian. Especially the other lesbians.

I'm a kind of contrary person in some ways though, so my main response when people look at me like I'm too girly to be a lesbian (AKA "what's this straight chick doing in our bar?"), my main response is to come back even more girly the next time.

But that's me.

Of course, it's frustrating anyway. I'm pretty shy, too, and have a horrible time approaching anyone, so it makes it really difficult that all the lesbians persist in thinking I'm straight. In fact, the attitude some people have that I don't belong there makes it even more difficult to approach anyone than it would be otherwise, and they certainly don't come to me.

 

I don't know. I never really had a problem with being "straight-acting". If anything, I was thankful that I didn't get much of the scorn that sometimes can go along with being more "stereotypically gay". I never got any grief for "not being gay enough", and although I can't say as I had guys lined up around the block waiting to go out with me, it's not like I was ignored, either. I just had to let them know I was on the market, and I didn't have any trouble doing that.

Lex

 

Really, Ianthe?? From what I've seen, the common perception in the straight world is that lesbians are far more often indistinguishable from their straight counterparts than are gay men from straight men.

 

Uuuuuuuugh, yes I'll help you move your couch, and I'll help you paint your house, but please refrain from lesbian jokes! And I don't even wanna HEAR that "oh, well, you don't look like a lesbian" >:::: (( Stereotypes are restricting, and soooooooo painful to deal with. They don't just hurt the LGBT community, they hurt everyone! I hate them!

 

Stereotypes don't result in bigotry from the outside. Stereotypes exists as a result of bigotry creating a collective identity for a minority group that they can label as different/deviant/weird and then stigmatize. The messed up part is the stereotype created really has nothing wrong with it in most ways except that it is different from "normal." Yet even the minority can be mind fucked into believing it is bad to be part of the stereotype. In reality stereotypes don't make the situation worse for gay people. Bigots make the situation worse for gay people. You just have to be who you are regardless of what anyone gay, straight, or otherwise says.

THE LGBT community as a whole really needs to stop supporting gendered and sexist ideals within itself. The only reason femininity is treated as less than masculinity is because of societies long standing ability to make anything not associated with straight white middle to upper class male hood less than. In this case femininity, which represents an aspect of womanhood, is not suitable for men because it is less than masculinity, which is associated with manhood (obviously).

for the record this all comes from a "straight acting" gay person (or so im told i am). I really get tired of posting about this every time i come across a thread on the gay stereotype after i see someone bash on effeminate gay men…

 

I sarcastically apologize when they say that. Or "You know a lot of gay people who act different?" or something.
I like not fitting the stereotype. Not that the people who do, shouldn't. It's great, it makes our presence here more known. But it's also good to have a lot of people who don't fit the stereotype because they can show people that gay people can't be categorized they way they want to. And they can associate themselves with more "normal acting" gay men and learn to accept gay people as normal people.
When I want it to be fairly obvious to people that I'm gay without having to come out, I wear some kind of rainbow paraphernalia, e.g. a belt, or a pro-gay t-shirt.

 

Ditto!

I've gone through this myself because I look nothing like how the stereotypes go.
But I wouldn't be happy if I was any other way than myself.

It may be harder to find a lesbian ,or anyone else for that matter, that will like me for my long hair, painted nails, makeup, and dresses but its worth being myself to find the ones that are willing to look past the stereotypes and like me for me

And trust me, its hard out there. NOBODY thinks I'm gay, I get the ultimate shut down or disbelief when it comes to me coming out. Girls don't give me a second glance unless I'm out and about, holding hands with my gf (this is even when I'm wearing my trusty rainbow eqality bracelet!).

 

Stereotypes are real pain in the a$$ especially they straightforwardly give opinions like they know it all but they don't know who we are and what we are comfortable with.
It's not about your actions, it's about how you feel. Don't mind these people, they are close-minded(to some subjects) people who are not worthy of our worry.

You act straight but are gay? It just proves that the stereotypical opinions given by these stereotypes wrong.

Do what makes you comfortable, not of some other people's opinions about how you should act, after all it's your life.