One thing I don't understand is if I were really gay or bisexual, how would I know? I mean, if I were in denial, I'd be denying any signs? What could I do to get past denial if I was in it? I've tried "trying on being gay," and it didn't feel right at all. I can't explain what is going on. Somehow, I know that I want to be with women, and I don't want to be with men. I'm sexually and romantically attracted to women and not men, but if I'm in denial, wouldn't I feel the same way?
The best way to sort this out is to talk about it with someone you trust (a therapist is a great option!). You say you've "tried" to be gay. Why would you try to be something you profess you're not? I think perhaps you're trying to reach the end point of self exploration without going through the hard work it takes to get there. A good therapist could help you deconstruct all this and take it step by step. Forget answering the ultimate question for a little while, and delve into all the subparts you raise above. Once You have a good handle on all the Moving pieces of your thoughts and feelings about sexuality and men and women, you may come to the answer of whether you've been in denial quite easily. Be good to yourself. J.
You don't ask this question when you're in denial. You don't want to know. You want your Narnia-land to be real. You constantly bargain with yourself along the lines "no, thing I just did isn't gay" and forget all about it at the first opportunity, even if it's something as blatant as genuine arousal and, later regret of the fun you missed when guys are hitting on you, or, I kid you not, actively looking for gay hookups in college, no, it wasn't really gay either... Somehow. (It all ended before it really started, thankfully, I'm not really into hookups.) I'm still in shock at my limitless capacity for self-delusion. Minutely inspecting your life for the least trace of homosexuality the way you do is pretty much the opposite of denial.
I went to a gay affirming therapist. After 4 months, she told me that she saw no sign that I was gay, but she saw signs of an anxiety disorder. She told me that normally making such a statement I was diagnosed with OCD. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I've been afraid of being a rapist, a pedophile, a sociopath, a narcissist. I even spent a few days worrying once that I was going to become a Neo-Nazi. The punchline to that one is that I'm biracial. What's made this one so bad is that I don't think that there is anything wrong with being gay, and I wasn't raised to be that way. I'm just so tired of all of this. I initially thought that if I was sexually attracted to women and not to men that this pretty much meant that I was straight, but then people started talking about emotional attraction. Well, to my knowledge, I've never been attracted to men in that matter either, but then I read about gay men who weren't emotionally attracted to men until the came out, so maybe that was it. I've tried watching gay porn. At first it grossed me out. Now, it does nothing, but what if I'm repressing it? How would I know? I've tried masturbating about men, but I didn't like it. Every time I'd try to get into, I'd be put off by the male anatomy. It felt like it was missing something, but then again this could be internalized homophobia The worst part is reading about men who came out later in life. I don't want to find a woman, fall in love with her, and then realize when I'm 45 "whoops, guess I didn't really like boobs after all. Sorry, I'm leaving you for Pete." I understand that for men who are going through this, it's obviously much more complex and serious, but this is what feels like is going to happen. This should be simple. If I like oranges, how can I become convinced that I don't like oranges? If I don't like apples, how can I convince myself that I like them? Yet, this seems to be precisely what happens a lot of the time. It's just so draining. I'm tired of all the "what ifs" and worries. I'm tired of wondering if I'm really repressing something. I'm tired of being afraid that every time I laugh at a guys jokes or think something positive about him that I'm going to fall in love with him and that this will bring out some hidden desire that I'm not even consciously aware of. Before I was on medication, I couldn't even look at my own brother without thinking that I was checking out his ass or getting images of him doing sexual things to me. I thought I was sexually attracted to South Park characters. Hell, I thought the fact that I was turned on by Eliza Dushku's bikini montage in "The New Guy" indicated that I could be gay because she can be kind of tom-boyish, she has more of an athletic build, and she's not very curvy. That images are gone thank fully, and so is a lot of the anxiety, but the disordered thought processes remain. There is just so much that bothers me. Why do I get ticked off when people deny gay people rights? Why is it when I was watching "Miracle Day" that I thought Capt. Jack and his boyfriend looked sweet together once I got over the "ick factor"? Why is there even an "ick factor" if I'm not hiding something? Why am I reading this site? Why would I even be afraid of this if there wasn't something to it? The worst part is, as I've stated above, I don't even know why this is an issue for me. I don't care what other people think. I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay. I know my family wouldn't care. I came out to them hoping that if I came out that I would stop fearing this and then could just move on with my life. They didn't care, but I still did. All I know is that I want to be women, and being with men means I don't get that. It's not society, marriage, family, or children. I don't even want children. I don't know if I believe in marriage given the divorce rates. Love has been something that has been painful for me in the past, and to be honest I'd be better off without it, but for some reason I still crave it, and I still crave it from a woman. Is it simply because I like breasts and not pecs? Is it that simple, or is it something else, like society programmed me to be this way? Why am I like this? I'm sorry if I've come off as aggressive or stand-offish. I'm just so tired of all the questions.:bang:
Sounds like you expend a tremendous amount of energy on "Side issues" (afaid of bring gay, neo nazi, rapist(?!)). I'm no professional but I would hazard a guess that you're focusing on all these other things to the exclusion of whatever underlying issue puts you on the path to worrying about yourself. You don't treat hypochondria by "proving" the patient doesn't have cancer. You treat it by addressing the underlying issues prompting the patient to think they've got cancer (or whatever disease). Maybe try a different therapist - not one focusing on any of the specific issues you mention, but rather who can help you get a handle on what it is that prompts you to have these types of concerns. Just my two cents. J.
sounds like you have anxiety disorder. you worry about the worst case scenario. you worry about being something that in your mind is negative or bad. i do not believe you are gay, i do believe you have complete anxiety but i am not a trained professional and cannot comment on this. if it wasn't worrying about being gay, you would be worried about something else. you need to seek help from smoeone that can assist with the underlying issue
This is what I thought, but then of course I started to doubt it because after all, what do I really know about this? I've read a lot, but I'm very likely going through something completely different. Rationally, what you said makes perfect sense, but when I'm in a state where I think I'm in denial, then it emotionally it "feels" like I'm in denial. Part of the problem is that whenever I have a thought about a man, no matter how innocuous, I instantly feel a surge of fear, and my mind wants to drive that thought out immediately. I have to force myself to hold whatever it was in my head because if I don't, then I think I'm repressing something. In reality, I am repressing something, but something innocuous. I suppose this is also part of the reason why I sometimes have difficulty understanding things like gay married men. On the one hand, when I look at what happened to them in and of itself, it makes perfect sense. When I compare it to what I'm dealing with, however, it seems impossible to consider how someone could ignore it. Of course, I'm not really going through the same thing, so the comparison makes no sense, and trying to think about it only drives me more nuts. Thanks, and you are both correct that this has little to do with whatever the theme is. While I only listed things I was scared of becoming, I also have had issues with hypochondria as well. This is part of the reason, in fact, that I ended up being referred to the anxiety disorder specialist. In therapy it came out, and the thought processes that I was going through with this theme were almost identical to what I'm dealing with now. You are correct that I do need therapy. That said, OCD is an anxiety disorder. As for root causes, however, most research seems to show that there isn't a psychological root cause, and it seems to be leaning towards neurological causation. The fear center of the brain is overactive, and it generates false signals for whatever the obsessional theme du jour is. Compulsions, like my searching in this case, are simply a means of trying to shut down the fear. The therapy is designed to expose you to whatever is scaring you, and learning to let the fear pass of it's own accord. In fact, part of my therapy would include looking at pictures of men and purposely rate their attractiveness, watch gay themed movies, and eventually go to a gay bar. The main issue is I can't afford to see the specialist who diagnosed me, and I can only afford to see a psychiatrist. With the medication, I'm much better, though sometimes I just feel frustrated. Again, I apologize if it seems like I blew up at anyone. It's more frustration with my brain not letting this broken record die. As for gay being "bad," it's not. I don't think there was anything wrong with it. At my worst, I actually started to make up attractions to men just so I could move on, telling myself that I had crushes on old friends that I really didn't. I even forced myself to masturbate to men and tried to enjoy it. I just wanted the constant fear to be over with. I tried being "normal" in high school, but I never liked sports, was always more into technology and sci-fi, and I could never bring myself to just accept things I was told without questing them. Not fitting in is something I'm used to, and needless to say I've learned how to deal with idiots like homophobes. What made this worse than some of my other themes was the fact that I didn't think it was wrong. I felt I had a moral obligation to accept I was gay if I was. When I feared being a rapist, I would try to avoid women or situations in which I was afraid I'd hurt them. With being gay, that's not a valid option, and I felt by not accepting myself that I was doing something wrong, and I even felt like not focusing on it would cause me to "remain in denial." As I type that though, I realize that this is exact same thought process that kept other themes alive. It's rather ironic. There are posters on this board who have tried to use OCD and the sexual orientation theme as a means of denial, telling themselves they really were suffering from OCD. When you actually suffer from OCD, one of the biggest challenge is accepting that what you are dealing with is OCD and not whatever your current fear is. Thanks for everything.
On the other hand, asking the question and minutely inspecting for least traces doesn't occur for no reason whatsoever. Most people who are genuinely straight don't ask themselves these kinds of question in searching detail (the thought might occur, but generally, I think they pass it over pretty quickly). So a detailed search of one's life for signs of homosexuality could indicate that you have some reason to think you may have same-sex attraction...an unconscious attempt to move past denial. (Ironically, made into a *conscious* attempt to move past denial.) I would say that people who are *not* in denial tend to be the ones not to ask perpetually whether they are in denial, because there's nothing prompting them to do it. Just another angle...but unfortunately not a terribly helpful one. But to answer your question directly, how can you know if you're in denial...I'd say that probing yourself persistently for denial may be one such clue.
Of course, there's a reason, but I think you miss the key part here: he's both minutely examining and not finding anything real, even with the help of a professional counsellor. Were there a genuine same-sex attraction, however repressed, there would have been plenty of signs. So, whatever the reason is, the obvious one can be, in my IANAD opinion, ruled out. (sorry, ImNuts about talking in the 3rd person in your own thread...)
