Hey EC! I never know how much you guys remember of each person's individual situations (since there are quite a few of us...), but to put it simply, I've been working on coming out at university before doing anything back home. To do this, I decided that I would tell each of my housemates first, as it's only fair to them and they are arguably my closest friends anyway. I managed to tell two more of them Monday night, which went well, and now there's only one left (who I'm in no rush to come out to, but that's another story). Basically, my plan after having my house know was to message/post on this Facebook group we have for our circle of friends (our larger group of friends split into 4/5 households after first year, so we all kinda live together), so that everyone can know and it's much quicker and simpler than sitting everyone down and telling them individually. Partly because I don't see most of them that often other than just passing by, and this way it's much more casual (because I know none of them would have an issue with it). The thing is, I made it clear to myself from the start that I wasn't going to even touch my family until I was out at university. But since I'm so close to being done anyway, and kind of riding off of that 'high' after coming out, I've been entertaining the thought of telling my family anyway. I figured that since they're family, and that's important, they deserve a sit-down talking to about it. But, I've been considering a letter for these reasons: - I'm not going to be home until next weekend, and I feel like I'll let the moment pass if I don't do it soon. - Additionally, it gives them a week or so to collect all of their thoughts, rather than a potentially emotional in-person reaction. - My mom and dad recently separated, and I've only seen my dad twice in the last 4 months, so if I send both of them and my brother an e-mail, they all hear the news at the same time. - I can get down everything I want to, make sure I can address as many of their concerns as I can, and not worry about forgetting anything important in the heat of the moment. So, I think logically a letter seems like a decent way to go... I'm just worried that it's much too impersonal. Has anyone written to their parents (or talked with them) and can offer insight either way? Much appreciated as always guys.
I almost used a letter for my mother, but in the end i hadn't printed it when i came out to her – otherwise, I would have handed it across the table to her. Your reasons for doing it are good ones, and although it may seem impersonal it can make it easier for everyone. Many people use letters, as can be evidenced by the ones even here on EC. The one thing I have heard recommended if you come out by email, though, is to call your parents after you are sure they will have read it, as you may well need to talk to them, give them time for possible questions, reassure them, etc.. I wish you the best of luck in coming out, however you choose to do it, and keep us posted!
That's awesome that you're ready to take that next step by coming out to your family. Kudos to you for that! I wish I could give you some advice, but I haven't come out to anyone yet, so I am afraid I won't be much help to you. I know that when I do come out to my family, I will probably do it by letter, since I would want to avoid many of the things you listed. I know that they would react in a very emotional way, so it would leave me with little choice. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to come out, you just need to do whatever feels safe and comfortable for you. Good luck!
I have written letters, but for me sitting down with my parents was the way to go. It gave them the chance to process with me rather than on their own, but you have that time when you go home and see them (albeit one person at a time). No matter what, I would def encourage you to write a letter about how you feel. I didn't make a bold proclamation that I was gay, I just said I'm attracted to men and it gave them a sense that they had a place to ask questions. If you feel comfortable with sending it, do it. If you want to wait and give them each the same letter while you're sitting in front of them, that works too. I've done that and it's awesome because I don't have to go through that wrenching moment of having to think of what to tell someone. I'm all for having the situation that makes it most comfortable to start processing this information with family. My brothers don't know at all, but I would def sit with them too
I know how you feel about writting a letter to give to your family. I had my own letter for my parents that I was going to give them but at the end I sat down with them. I hope what every you do it goes great for you. Best of luck.
I wrote a 3-page letter between Christmas and New Years that I'm comtemplating giving to my family, my wife's family (oh boy!), friends, and co-workers. The reason I'll probably go with a letter is because it contains organized thoughts presented in a clear way. I'm afraid that if I just start talking, I'll forget some of the points I want to make and possibly become defensive during what may be unpleasant discussions. I may try to get it down to 2 pages before I give it to them so it's less to digest. Then maybe some of the other points will come up in the discussion. With this said, my counselor cautioned me that once you give people anything in writing, be it electronic or on paper, you lose control of the information. If you want to come out in stages, you may give up that possibility.
Thanks for the replies everyone. Yeah, I forgot to mention that part. I figured that I'd add in something along the lines of "give me a heads up when you've read this, so long as I'm not in class, so I can be sure you know and we can discuss it". I've only given out one letter, and that was to the first person I told because I was waaaaaay too terrified to do it in person, and that statement worked I guess (though, he texted me when my phone was broken... blah). I figured too that if I didn't hear from them within a day or so, I'd call them the evening after and check what's up. And if nothing else I would be seeing them 2/3 weekends anyway, since I'd have to go home for work. Good point. I've loved so far that I've had total control over how my coming outs have gone, and I don't think I'd necessarily like that loss of control. Though, my family was effectively the last "step" for me; the only reason I'm not blatantly out at university yet (barring one housemate who I am waiting a few weeks for, different story) is because I was afraid it would somehow trickle back home. Beyond that, I'd only be moderately concerned that news at home would then pass into work, but ultimately that isn't a big deal. My brother, mom, and I all work for the same organization, so I figured it's bound to come up at some point anyway, I'd just prefer it didn't. Either way, it wouldn't cause any real problems for me in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, I think I'm going to hold off on it for now. I said it from the start of the coming out process; I'm in no rush to tell my family. I think it was more just a wandering thought that I decided to entertain. Though this advice has been helpful for when I get around to doing it
