Am I the only who does this? I've been in this weird place of accepting myself as queer for a while now, whatever that means to me. I feel like I just can't own up to being a lesbian, even though it's kind of obvious sometimes I'm not really attracted to men... but I doubt this ALL THE TIME, and I start playing mind games with myself to prove I'm attracted to men. It's ridiculous and kind of hard to explain. Like... one day, I'll be totally okay with admitting to myself that I'm a lesbian, that I'm not really attracted to men, and I'll go to bed thinking that and be okay. And then the next day I'll be all like, no! I'm also attracted to men! And I'll look at men, like if I'm watching a movie or something, and I'll deliberately try to decide if he's attractive, if I'm attracted to him, etc. etc. But it doesn't conclude anything. It just makes me more confused and doubtful. I think I'm scared to fully come out to myself and I can't help but play these weird mind games as a result. I think it's because I can't stand to admit to myself that I would fall into a sexuality that falls outside the norm, even though I'm totally okay with it in theory and have admitted to myself that yes, I'm attracted to girls. It's like I'm trying to soften the blow of acceptance by trying to convince myself I'm also attracted to men or something. *sigh* I dunno. Anyone else do this?
i kinda went through this, then i decided to tell myself i was gay, this is followed by panic and fear, then i realized it wasn't that big of a issue unless i made it one. it's ok to be a lesbian, it's not your problem, it's everyone else who has the problem.
I see my therapist every other week and last night I was telling her about how I found this website EC and how it has helped me a lot already. She asked me to tell her one thing that I have learned by interacting with other gay people here: I told her that I've learned that part of the first step in coming out (accepting your sexuality) is playing these mind games with yourself that you describe here. I am still very much doing that everyday and it is so frustrating and tiresome. I want to be confident about my sexuality and have all the answers NOW but that's just me being impatient. We have this debate because seeing ourselves in a whole new way is really scary and as conscientious adults we don't want to fuck up and lead ourselves down the wrong direction. I think that after a period of time we'll just get tired of our own bullshit and finally accept ourselves. I know that I am gay but like you, am maybe still trying to figure out just exactly what kind of queer I am. What I know is that I love women and dream of being with a beautiful, kind, funny, intelligent and sexy woman every day. If that makes me gay then cool!
"Has anybody else done this?" YES. Every person on EC has and most likely IS doing this. I know I do near everyday, just like what you described. I feel wonderful, finally figuring out the puzzle that I'm attracted to men and that I'm a woman. Then, I wake up the next day and find myself hating it, and going out to try and act straight. I'll go and force myself to talk to other guys, wanting to go and "watch football", or whatever straight men do these days. I force myself to look at women's bodies, almost thinking "Please tell me I like this..." I guess what I'm trying to say is that everybody goes through this, and one day, like the poster above said: "We eventually just get tired of our own bull:***:" And we get on with our lives."
Yes, I still do it sometimes, but less now. As you accept yourself more, you stop pretending to yourself as much.
