Freaked out :s

You're fine!
It seems like you have been having some doubts about yourself lately, and jumping on into EC is making things move a bit faster than you might like.
Just hang around a bit more, post if you like. Get to know the community.
When you feel a bit more comfortable, maybe your head will feel less explode-y and you'll be ready to jump in a bit more.

 

Hi Justin! It's very common for new members to be a little "freaked out," as you put it. Don't worry about it.

Maybe if you told us a little more about your situation, we could try to help you sort through it all.

It sounds like you've had some kind of experience recently that surprised you. That happens sometimes. Did you want to talk about that?

If you aren't ready to talk about it, that's okay too, and you can just hang around for awhile until you get more comfortable.

Don't worry--whatever's going on with you, I'm pretty sure it'll work out all right.

(*hug*)

 

Hmm, first, I actually want to talk about your roommate. We usually hear the "straight roommate" story from the other end, and it's kind of nice to be able to talk to the "straight guy" in the situation for a change.

I just want to point out that gay people develop romantic feelings in much the same way that straight people do. Which is to say, if you had a really close friendship with a girl, and then one day she kissed you, would you wonder why she'd ruin your friendship? Or would you know why?

Imagine that a straight guy is, for whatever reason, sharing an apartment, as roommates, with a beautiful girl. They get along really well. In just a couple of months, she is one of the best friends he's ever had. He knows that she has a boyfriend, but one day he kisses her. Why did he do that? Did he just want to get into her pants, or what?

She reacts with disgust and anger--how does that make him feel?

I just want you to realize that his interest in you may not be casual, and consider how it must have felt for him, to have you react the way you did. Don't get me wrong, he shouldn't be hitting on you while you are in a relationship. But, you know, sometimes when you have strong feelings about someone, it's really difficult not to express them, especially if you live with the person.

(I have read so, so many "help, I'm in love with my staight roommate" threads, here and elsewhere. This happens a lot. It really isn't something he probably intended to happen.)

Anyway, don't confuse your roommate by messing around with him at all unless you decide you actually want to pursue something with him. You'll just make it even harder on him than it is already. (Plus, this would be pretty lame of you while you have a girlfriend.) So, just choose other ways of exploring your feelings.

(I'm not suggesting that you were planning on doing anything like that, it's just that I've heard that part of the story before, too.)





I'll take you at your word that you like girls--although, if you have any doubts about that, it would possibly be the top priority to figure it out, since you have a current relationship with one.

If you don't have any doubts about that, then the question is, how far are you beyond 0 on the Kinsey scale? Since you are in a relationship you are satisfied with, it need not be an urgent question.

One thing to consider, is that some people are bisexual under certain circumstances. This is why, for example, people who are normally straight are so much more likely to have same-sex relationships in circumstances where there are not opposite-sex partners available (for a long time)--especially if they are living in close quarters.

Another example is that some gay people have told me that they had okay sex lives in their straight marriages, for a while, although they have never been attracted to any other opposite sex person--and eventually, they are unable to ignore their much stronger feelings for the same sex.

It's possible that your comfort with your roommate and the closeness of your friendship, along with the extra intimacy that comes from living together, and the compatibility of your personalities, make you more receptive to his advances than you would be to another man's. (Actually, these things would pretty much always make you more receptive or interested, regardless of where your baseline was with regard to men in the first place. These are a lot of the same reasons that gay people end up falling for their straight roommates to begin with.) If you look up to him because of the age difference, that is potentially a factor as well.

Of course, most people in our culture have a pretty narrow view of what straight is, and circumstances don't matter to them. If you are anything other than a pure zero on the Kinsey scale, you are 100% queer as far as they are concerned. (If you don't know the Kinsey scale, now would be a good time for you to learn about it.)

Anyway, try the things Chip said, because, you know, it's good to find out, to learn more about yourself. Considering gay pornography, or just thinking about men while masturbating, isn't going to do you any harm, and you might learn something new about yourself.

 

I'm guessing I might be repeating some of the things said already, but it can never hurt to add one more voice to the choir.

I don't really think "lack of disgust" needs to be a bad thing here. The stereotype is that straight guys should run screaming from any hint of same-sex attraction, while gay guys should run screaming from any mention of the female anatomy.
While there's obviously people who fit the stereotype, it's only that: an exaggeration. Most people's sexualities aren't all or nothing. There's often some exceptions to the rule, even if it's the one-in-a-thousand kind of exception.

Plus, on top of that: it's nice to be desired. Even if nothing will come of it, it's nice to know that somewhere, someone, thinks of you as more than "that guy". Being wanted is usually the opposite of disgusting, no matter who wants you.


To look at it from an opposite perspective: I have no problems identifying as gay. When left to my own devices, any relationshuip I'd imagine myself having is with a guy. In a room, I'll find my eyes drawn to guys. More raunchy kinds of fantasies: guys again.

But yet: on occasion, it has happened that girls missed the message that I'm gay and expressed an interest in more than friendship.
And what do I feel at those times? not the disgust or the "oh no!" feeling I'm "supposed" to have. I feel genuinely honoured and start at least considering the possibility. (even for a few weeks, on one occasion).

To date, I always concluded that the feeling wasn't as strong as the one I had for guys ("it could really work" instead of the "oh, please, yes!" I feel about guys), so there was little use in pursuing dates with these girls. After which I let them know I was highly honoured to be the object of their affection, but just not quite interested in them that way. It was a disappointment for them, but none of them seemed to hold it against me.
Still, generally, I'm just open to the idea that, maybe, there's a very rare few girls that could do it for me. That might be reason enough for some people to call me bisexual instead of gay, but I'm not too hung up on labels. "Gay" fits 95% of the time, so it's good enough.

So it could be it's a similar situation for you. Best thing you could do, I guess, is ponder how you'd imagine dating this guy would work out. Like Chip says above: thoughts are free, and no one can read them. So you can always do a thought exercise, and see if it's a "meh, it wouldn't be a total disaster" or a "wow, this is feeling better and better" line of thinking.



Other thing you might want to do regardless is to talk to this friend about this kiss. Right now, it's the elephant in the room: the more you try not to notice it, the more it's hulking there at the edge of your vision. Opening up that conversation makes it seem less monumental. If you calmly explain that you're honestly honoured ,but not willing to take that kiss further, it could help in getting back to where you were, instead of continuously overanalysing.

 

Well, I'm not going to push you to talk to him if you really don't want to. But what are you afraid he'd say to make you more confused? Would any of it be worse than obsessing over it?

I'm thinking what he wants to say is most likely one of three things:
- Apologise, say it was a really bad idea, and get an explicit agreement that you can go back to being friends the way you were.
(not a bad option, no?)

- An "I do crush on you, and even if I now know you don't feel likewise, I just wanted you to know that."
(might mean you have to do the "I'm honoured, but not in the way you'd want, but i still hope we can overcome this as friends" line, but still not a bad option)

- The "Admit you at least kind of liked it!". Okay, if he pulls this one, it's going to be confusing. Because, if I read the above correctly, the kiss itself wasn't an entirely unpleasant experience. Still, in that case, you can still say something to the effect of "it wasn't horrible, no. And I am honoured you think I'm kissable. But I think I'd rather stay with my girlfriend after all".

That doesn't mean you have to talk to him, but I'm just trying to think out loud what the possible options are so you can at least think about whether the talking would be confusing or if it would actually clear the air.


And yeah, I do think it doesn't hurt to see where your thoughts wander if you imagine kissing him back. Thoughts are something that gets stronger when pushing against them, so letting them roll past is usually the better option. At worst you wasted a couple of minutes daydreaming, which is less a sacrifice of your time than fighting against your own mind is.

 

Not to derail the thread, but wouldn't you feel some degree of arousal just from stimulating your genitals?

 

Sorry, I'm just reading this and decided get ask for a bit more clarity...

You said that this guy is your roommate that he's openly gay and that the two of you have become best friends, and get along great.

Now all of this says something to me that can be summed up in a single word: "bromance", which has nothing to do with being gay at all (at least not in my book - it's a bit different).

Are you saying that you both enjoyed a particularly close male friendship, and now that he's kissed you, the line between what's a gay relationship and that close friendship you had have become blurred, and that you're not sure of the difference anymore? It also sounds like since you're straight, you're unsure of what's happening you've pulled back.

Is that's what's happening, 'cuz that's what I interpreted.

 

Sadly, there is no simple answer to these kinds of questions.

If nothing else, you should definitely let go and let your thoughts go where they will. Go ahead and consider what would have happened if you'd kissed him back.

The thing is, none of this is about becoming gay or bisexual. It's all just about finding out if you are. Really, it will be much worse if you are gay, and you go ahead and stay with your girlfriend, and marry her, and only really accept that you are gay 15 years from now, after you've had three children together. (This happens to people.)

So, figuring it all out now is a very good idea.

When most people place themselves on the Kinsey scale, they consider what they would want to do. I mean, a lot of gay people have had a lot of past sexual encounters with people they weren't ever really attracted to in the first place, because they were in denial or trying to be straight. It wouldn't really make sense to say that they are less gay because of that. Are straight people not straight while they are still virgins? Of course not. So sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to, not who you've actually had sex with.

Regarding your roommate, I really think you should consider at least making sure he knows that you aren't angry anymore. I think it would be a good idea to find out what he wants to say about it, but if you just aren't comfortable with that, I guess that's okay.

 

Yeah, that's pretty much along the lines of what I was trying to convey. HE obviously crossed over that line, and it sounds like you're wondering if YOU might have (at least in your mind).

Based on what you've said so far, I don't think you have... but I'm not the one who knows.

 

You can kiss another guy and still be straight. In fact, if you follow Dan Savage's line of reasoning, then you could explicitly even have something more with a certain guy once and still be straight. As Savage says, "just because some reptilian part of your brain goes off on some guy" does not make you gay or even bi, necessarily...

But you're in a relationship, so I think it would not be wholly ethical if you know what I mean to reciprocate in any such way.

---------- Post added 5th Jan 2012 at 07:18 PM ----------

And to echo Chip, you *could* definitely check out some gay porn just to see whether it tickles your fancy. Even if you vomit, whatever doesn't kill you only make you stronger, hehe. (just kidding) And in terms of genre, you should be aware that it's probably even more variable than straight porn.

I wouldn't recommend any of the mainstream stuff involving hairy older muscular guys, since I find that to be a bit gross too. If you can find something that involves guys in the 18-25 age range who look "smooth" and not muscular, you might at least find it tolerable to your senses. (iow, not vomit-inducing)


But who am I to know.. it's natural for me to think that other people might respond similarly.

 

The fact that you aren't disgusted doesn't mean anything. If a girl kissed me I wouldn't be disgusted, I just wouldn't feel anything. Being straight doesn't mean being disgusted by the same sex, it's just not being attracted to them.

And by the way, I think 'preferences' is a bit offensive, to be honest. I mean, it's nothing big but I think you should use 'orientation' instead .