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I hate myself, and I don't even know who I am.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Friendly ghost, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. Friendly ghost

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    I don't think I really know who I am. I have spent all of my life trying to please others, and trying to do what I thought I was either supposed to do, or at least what other people wanted. I have always been very observant, even as a kid, and did things because I was afraid of either not being approved of, or just of anyone having a negative thought of me. I grew up being more mature then everyone my age, probably because of this, and I always felt like I needed to act like an adult. I was always trying to be mature. Which made me so, I regret not being able to experience being naive and young well. Because of this, when I was with peers, I had to act differently, thus seperating me more everyone. I just don't know any truths about me anymore.

    Around the time I hit puberty, gay was becoming a very popular insult. I saw no other gay people that I knew about, other then the 'stereotype'. My brother, I love him and harm wasn't intended, called me gay constantly. I think without knowing it I avoided that too. When I had reached high school, I think I had totally lost myself. I had friends, but I was never being truly me. I know I have ocd, and need to be in a role, but regardless. I hurt and was so lonely inside, I just wanted someone to talk to me about it, since I was too shy and too quiet to even bring it up to my friends. I remember burning lines on my arms with an allen wrench. Despite me not wanting to say this, but in a way it was for attention. I just wanted someone to see I was hurting. When this girl, who I later dated for 5 years only to tell I was gay, asked about it, I said it was from the oven at the pizza place I worked at. Even after I got the attention, I still couldn't get out of my 'role' to be honest.

    Having never really been me, and being so depressed, I turned to drugs. I spent several years after my junior year doing drugs, most of which amazingly I was addicted to heroin. I hated myself. Honestly I still kind of do. All this just made time keep going, I had preoccupied myself, and was fulfilling a decent role I though was ok. Including staying with that girl, whom I wish the world to. I have since quit doing drugs at least, since it was causing problems. Doing so began my long awaited for, and fast paced journey of discvoring me.

    I am getting past all the guilt, I think. I still don't know 'me'. Especially alone, I think I am acting more gay, stereotypically anyway, and I am afraid I am just following that role now that I realized that about myself so late. I try my best to learn to be selfish and do what I want. Be who I want. I just can't avoid these roles, or maybe the fear of just being a role.

    If you read all this, I sincerely thank you from my heart. I know it was long, but I needed to talk(type). Honesty with my self isn't something that comes easily. Therefore, things about myself that cross that path, often have trouble with honesty with others too. I feel so alone. I hurt for my ex girlfriend, because I know she is hurting. My old friends, whom wouldn't know about the changes within me, no longer live near me. I do at least have a few female friends. I just hurt though. Why can I not get past this. Why does being uncertain bother me so much? I know there isn't anything wrong with me, but at the same time, I feel everything is. Unless someone else says its right, I jump to it being wrong.

    I really don't know. Again thank you for reading. Please post something. I don't think I will ever be able to be this honest with someone, in person. I know I am gay now, and I am trying to stick to it. But the rest of my life seems like its worth nothing. If anything, how can I work on letting this side of me out? It just hurts, I'm crying talking about it, but I just can't seem to tell anyone, and when I try I can't find the words and feel stupid. So I no longer try.

    Please say something, I am not in a good place in life.
     
  2. Sunsetting

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    Thanks for sharing. Being another person who finds it really difficult to express myself, you did a phenomenal job. (*hug*). There is so much here that I relate to so deeply. I guess I'm learning now that I have to find people in my life that I trust to share things with. Not sharing and trying to be perfect (i really relate to being mature and losing simplicity at a young age) has only lead me to destructive behavior too.

    Friendly, I have tried to be perfect based on what I've learned through my life, but as much as in my mind I say it, I don't really give myself the grace to be imperfect. Funny thing is that I'm both imperfect and a good guy at the same time. My imperfections do not negate my positive qualities. There are people who will extend grace to me and as I'm writing this, I am realizing that I have to extend grace to myself too. I do look at the negative a lot quicker than the positive, but we're growing Friendly and learning and being gracious to ourselves allows room to learn and grow.

    Some of the greatest victories of all time were through perseverance through negative circumstances. Even while I'm a holy hot mess sometimes, it's ok, because I'm growing and will persevere, hopefully so I can walk with other people who need an arm to lean on and be an inspiration in any small way.

    thanks again for writing
     
  3. Bernard1992

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    First I would just like to say that you did an amazing job at saying what you were thinking and feeling. I personally agree totally with the first part of your message. I just didn't turn to hurting myself or doing drugs. I continued on the same trying to please everyone path. Elementary school was bad for me as well with being called "gay." But come high school, most of that stopped eventually because I found new friends. Like you, I never really found myself though. Then when college came along, I thought YAY I can be me. But, what was me? I had to explore that and figure it out at a later age than most, in my opinion at least. The first semester of college I did things I am not so proud of but yet I am glad I did them because it made me discover me more. And then second year came. I try to be me more but it is just like elementary school. People gossip about whether or not I am gay, they ask me/call me out in the middle of lectures, they are not discrete about it at all and it makes for an awkward moment when I have to reply. It feels like everyone in the world has their eyes on you and you have to figure out in a split second what the right response is. So, I have gone almost back to where I am pretending to be someone else and avoiding some things I otherwise wouldn't. This has also made the world of dating non-existent. I have never had a true relationship with anyone, male or female, except a two month thing in grade 8 (if that even counts). It leads me to believe forever alone is a better option. And now that I have rambled on and not really given any advice whatsoever to you, I will post this.

    I guess I basically want you to know that you are not alone and that there are other people in this world who have grown up in the same more mature way and that they have similar struggles. Just stay strong and I wish all the best to you on your discovery of you and your path through life. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Friendly ghost

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    I know right now probably isn't the best time for me to be posting. A lot has been happening, and again, I am not in a good place. But its at this time that I avoid people, I seclude until I am ready and able to 'pull myself together' and be who I think I need to. But I am really tired of that. I can not stand it anymore. I just want to find a beacon for me to collect myself around, but I don't think that's right. I need to be my own beacon, wherever that is anyway.

    I need to run an errand before I go to bed (I work 3rd shift, so time during the day with this overtime is competing with sleep) so I won't make a long post. Thank you so much for posting you two. I cannot explain the kind of honesty I have put in this post, at least for me. I can't stop crying today. I'm tired of this struggle. I'm glad to know I am not the only one, which I kind of figured, but its hard not feeling like an alien with other people.

    Again, Thank you so much. I can not adequately express my feelings on this. I am gay, I no longer doubt so much now, but doing so I lost my only support (gf). I am sorry if I seem ridiculous or whatever. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Thanks for reading though. I am glad I am not completely alone, and that I can verify that. Thanks again, and I will post again here soon, after I fight insomnia and sleep for a little bit.

    ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2012 at 02:17 PM ----------

    I guess I just wanted to add a few things. First of all, my name is Justin. A lot of people call me casper (ie friendly ghost). I think sometimes I am too friendly, if thats posible. I do hope to be able to help people. I try so hard to. I do also think that persevering can bring insight to others who are not as far along. I guess though, I just cannot explain my gratitude for this. It seems like all I try to do is help others, and when a friendly soul seeks to do the same for me, well, it is an amazing thing. I don't know why I am having such a problem with these things, thought has usually carried through. But, I can not handle this alone anymore.
     
  5. Filip

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    Well, it's never a bad tie for posting! We're here for both good times and bad, and sometimes the bad times are exactly the right ones to reach out!

    I don't know if this helps, but personally, I think I have gotten more and more used to the idea of never entirely knowing myself. Which is not a bad thing! There's things I know, and always new things to discover, and since I have to spend the rest of my life being me, the odd surprise is always welcome :wink:

    That said, there's always positive points you know. Things you can use as an anchor. Frankly, when I read your post, I can see you're feeling insecure, but there's also a ton of awesome things there! You're a guy who beat a drug addiction. A guy who cares enough to always be there for others. A guy who decided to break free from the straightjacket and come to grips with his sexuality. That's real. You can't pretend beating a drug habit. You can't pretend coming out. You can't pretend to care (because to pretend to care you have to care in the first place). That is already worht a lot.
    That in and of itself already shows that you have the strength to figure it out, even if you don't believe that as of yet. You're more yourself now than you ever were before, even if this new start makes you feel like you're on shaky ground.

    For what it's worth: no matter the self-assured image I might project online sometimes, there's times when I wonder really what I'm like. On some days it seems to be different from others. So you're hardly alone. It's a continuous work in progresd, and it takes the occasional bit of vulnerability to allow others to hep you too.

    So please don't hesitate to post some more! It can only help at putting your thoughts in order and gettings some more input (and at the very least remind yourself you're not alone).

    And, while I can't offer a real hug,I hope a virtual one can help a bit: (*hug*)(*hug*)
    You're not alone, and even if it takes some work, things will get better!
     
  6. BradThePug

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    I can totally relate to this. I was looked up to as the more mature one when I was in school. By the time that I got into high school, I realized that I had let some people control my life instead of myself. This led me through the hard journey that made me realize that I was bisexual by my senior year.

    I still have my days where I wonder if I'm really acting like me, or if I have just put on another mask and continued on with my life. It's hard, but you have overcome a lot in your life, so you can do this!!
     
  7. Artemicion

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    I relate to this part. I too, tried doing this, only to end up being lost along the way figuring out what I was supposed to do later for myself. Which leads to what you also mention of learning to be "selfish".

    Now, I think the use of the word "selfish" here is way too strong for something that is justified. How would you be selfish in this case when you are trying to be yourself? A person should always have their own opinion, stance and position instead of going with what "everyone else says". So, no, you are not being selfish at all, but doing something what everyone else is doing - being themselves and not having to hide.

    On another note, you're a person who has already achieved a great many things as Filip mentions above. I am sure you can overcome this obstacle in life!

    Hope this helps, Justin (*hug*). Also feel free to PM or leave a message anytime.

    -Felix
     
  8. stilllovelyafte

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    Friendly, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling now. Of course, you are not alone. There are so many similarities in our stories.

    I too, find myself more preoccupied with the concerns/needs of others. I think I'm finally starting to understand why. I've honestly felt so rotten about myself for as long as I can imagine - "You're dishonest, you don't know who you are, you're weak, etc.". I had (and have) this low baseline level of self esteem.

    Helping people, if only momentarily, led to a small jolt of positive feelings about myself. It would move the needle just enough that I would feel a little better about myself. Except, the feeling would dissipate as soon as my negative thoughts returned.

    In some ways it is like a drug addiction - I got to experience the feeling of not hating myself, and I never wanted to let it go. So I would continue to do more for others and at the expense of myself. This wasn't really destructive in any way - I wasn't being used. BUT, so many of the decisions I made in life were motivated by making others happy because the only times I felt happy were when I helped others.

    I really don't know if any of this makes sense, but it sort of does to me. A good way to summarize it: since I had no core or positive sense of self, I needed to look outside of myself for validation and confirmation that I was a decent/worthwhile person.

    As you suggest above, the answer isn't for us to find a beacon, it is for us to become our own beacon. I have absolutely no idea how to do this! But it is my goal in the new year - to be happy being me.

    I'm always around to talk, chat, PM. Just know you're not alone and times like this are the most important times to reach out. It's too bad we all don't live nearby to reassure each other - though I suppose the only reason this site works as well as it does is our comfort in anonymity.