After 30 years: Worried about others believing me.

Well for me it was a small worry just because it was my mind doing it to me. When I started to come out to people even the ones that I thought would doubt me it was like they all new for the most part. I was 22 and it has been 6 months now and no one has doubted me. Some thought it was a big surprise but that's about it. I don't really think you should worry to much about it bacuse in the end your actions will speak louder than your works.

 

dude, we just have to take it step by step. i don't make any bold proclamations. i just tell one person at a time who i trust how i've been feeling. i feel you bro, i really do

 

Well, let's turn things around. Pretend somebody your age came out to YOU. (Further, presume you never reached the same conclusion about yourself.) What might make you think they weren't serious or just confused?

* If they said it in a joking manner.
* If they said it in an off-handed way.
* If they latched it to some minor thing. "I saw some guy in the gym and found him kinda hot, so I'm thinking I must be gay."

Now, picture him saying it in such a way that you DON'T think it's confusion or "just a phase".

* "I've given it a lot of thought, and I think it's time I started letting people know that I'm gay."
* "I've started telling my closest friends the truth - I'm gay. I'm telling you because I think you and I are pretty tight, and I think you deserve to know."
* "I feel really stupid not having figured out my sexuality until now, and I feel silly having done all that dating of women in the past. But I guess it's better to start late than not start at all."

Lex

 

well some people will not beleive you and think you are just hopping on a gay bandwagon or somehow you got turned out and you're confused. but really does it matter what they think. i do know that some gay people that i have told questioned me and basically harassed me saying things like 'how did you not know you liked guys all this time? what, i don't believe you have never had sex with a guy after all these years, yea rite. stop lying. you're not bi, you gay and you're in denial." needless to say they got on my nerves and so did their small minded comments. i never can understand how some gay people that are criticized and labeled and put into a box turnaround and try and out people, force everyone to be gay when they may or may not be, and say such mean and insensitive things to questioning people or newly self accepting gays. these types of people suck.

the main thing is just be you and do you. if someone doesn't believe you screw them. also you do not owe anyone an explanation for why it took you to this time to sort thigns out. that's none of their business. my best advice is just focus on people that accept you and dont care.

 

I can see people thinking I'm confused, sick or disturbed. What I'm more nervous about is they will believe me and treat me differently. Or my family will turn to their church for info on how to change me back to normal. It will be hard to convince people I can trace back my feelings to about 12 years old. I was just in denial and suppression most of my life.

 

Commandz, agree with all of the above. Especially Lex's thought, which is that the manner you communicate this in is important.

It's funny - if they don't believe you, it's sort of what you want anyway, isn't it? You are, from what I recall, pretty worried about taking this step. In many ways, this step for you is about honesty and authenticity. You can only take these steps - you can't shape other people's reactions... Most people will believe you and seek to accept you.

The other thing - which I struggle with - is how it will strike people that it took me so long to figure out? Or what it says about me that it took me so long to figure out?

One answer I read on this subject still resonates with me: We weren't ready. It's that simple. You were not in a place where you felt comfortable sharing this.

I spent YEARS beating myself about keeping this from my girlfriend. What kind of a monster am I? Why didn't I tell her a year ago? The answer: I just wasn't ready - I wasn't confident enough in myself, I wasn't confident enough in my sexualilty, I wasn't strong enough to lose her. This may sound like a cop out to me, but I think it's true.

Anyway, write on my wall, etc., if you want to chat more.

 

Dude. I'm fifteen and I've been through three relationships with girls already. I'm planning on telling my best friend (a guy) and how things go.. well.. not exactly up to me. Don't worry about the judgement. Just make sure you let them know how you feel exactly.

 

I think for folks that come out later in life timing, tone and context play a huge part in the dialogue. I was less worried about poeple thinking I was joking and more worried that they would be mad that I had lied for all those years. In retrospect they all were very supportive and if they were upset about anything it was that I was comfortable with myself and that they as my friends/ family didn't know or couldn't help.

 

Try having been married for 9 years and having pictures of your kids on your desk at work.

:eusa_doh:

But what are people going to say? "No you're not!" How could they? As Lex said, it's all in the way you say it. For me, I told people that I wanted to share with the the reason the my ex wife and I had split up - it was because I had finally acknowledged and accepted that I was gay. And I told most people over 2 years after we had separated. Not a single person questioned or challenged me. Nor did anyone openly suggest that I must be a bit of a goof for not figuring it out until I was in my mid 30s.

Instead, I think most peopel recognized how difficult a realization that must have been for me, and how courageous I was to make the necessary changes in my life to live honestly and authentically.

It wasn't an issue at all.