Since I've been on medication, I've been able, for the most part, to determine that my attraction to women is strong is that it is genuine. My question is, what will happen if I stop questioning and just let it go for a while? I've been going at this for two years now, and the questioning is killing me. I don't feel I'm any closer to the truth now than I was two years ago when this all started. I'm going around in circles and going nowhere. I'll admit it. I don't want to be bisexual. I don't want to be with a man. I can't tell you why I don't want to be with a man. I just don't. I don't care about having a family, and even if it turns out that I'm straight and do want children some day, I'd seriously consider adopting. Whatever is going on with my sexuality, there is more than enough past evidence to suggest that I do have a mental illness, be that OCD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I'm not sure I want to inflict this on some poor child. I admit it would be weird going out in public with a boyfriend, but I could deal with this. I don't see it as too different than going to a store in costume when I'm at a convention. I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm not sure how to "come out to myself" if I am bisexual or gay. I feel like I'm getting no where with this, and the questioning itself is killing me. I can't take my head going round and round in circles anymore. I feel like I keep digging and digging and digging and hitting nothing, but I feel like if I don't keep digging then something is going to explode when I least expect it. I feel like I'm going to end up with someone, realize I'm gay or bisexual, and then have to leave her to be with someone else. The problem is I feel like I can't ignore it. It will keep popping up and will never let me be free. I feel like this is never going to stop. I can deal with an answer, but I need an answer, and I'm going nowhere. The question is, what is the worst that will happen if I try to just let this drop for awhile?
Nothing. There isn't anything wrong with leaving your sexuality open ended. Just take life as it comes. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. If you fall in love with a girl, you fall in love with a girl. Just relax.
im sorry but i do not understand. when you certain guys do you get physically attracted to them, find yourself wishing you could date them or make out with them, want to have a romantic situation with them? if you have no attraction to men, you're straight. if you keep having frequent attractions to men, then you are bi or gay. its really that hard to figure out. no whether you want admit you have these attractions is another story. that could be very difficult. overall stop stressing adn start dating. how will you know what you like if you do not date or explore. but if you private areas get excited to the thought of men, that's pretty telling.
As far as I can tell, I don't have any attraction to men, or if I do, it's fairly mild and something I wouldn't notice. I just seem to be chasing my tail all around. I went to gay affirmative therapist to work this out, and she ended up sending me to anxiety disorder specialist. I ended up being diagnosed with OCD for this as well as other past issue. It's like my brain just can't let this go, no matter what I do, and I'm tired. If I am bisexual, I'd really like to just accept it and move on. It's the questioning frankly itself that is driving me so nuts.
Imnuts - I really empathize with your situation. What if this obsession is real? Your gut - on a rational level - is that you are straight and your mind is harping on this issue because it is scary or because it helps explain why you are different, but your feelings don't match the thoughts. While you can sort of get yourself to believe that this is not real and you are just torturing yourself, you still can't dislodge the thought or displace the doubts. What if I really am gay? It's lurking beneath the surface, ready to pull the rug out from underneath you. I have no answers, I just want to offer my support, as someone who similarly doubts and obsesses about everything. My therapist has been trying to get me to step out of these obsessional patterns. Basically, to allow myself, for the first time in my life, to step off script. To allow myself to experience the things around me without torturing myself. Goes without saying - easier said than done. The basic idea she proposed, was to follow my nose. If I'm out with a woman and I find myself attracted to her, don't question what this means, what it means for my life, my label - just enjoy the interaction. Vice versa with a guy. Our situations are a bit different - I think I am gay/bisexual, though I do still have doubts, especially given my lack of persistent fantasies about men. I also know at this point I suffer from OCD/generalized anxiety. The main issue for me now is to get myself enough breathing room from my obsessions and fears to really get comfortable with my sexual identity. I am signing up with a CBT specialist, who will hopefully help me get this breathing room. One additional point - speaking for myself, I often say many of the same things you said in your post: "I just want answers, I don't care if I'm bi. I could accept this. I came out to people, etc." I spent some time thinking about this, and I am realizing I am LESS comfortable with it than I let on. Sure, I'm a liberal guy, with gay friends, living in a tolerant place, BUT, it still isn't the life I want for me. Any chance you feel the same way? I'm beginning to realize the difference between internalized homophobia and homophobia, more generally. Neither of us are homophobic in the general sense, but I clearly do not want to be gay. Anyway, just some rambling thoughts. Hope you find them helpful or supportive.
That's a bit like Exposure and Response Prevention. Try to live while ignoring the questions. It was what I was starting to work on before I had to stop due to financial reasons. My therapist told me that if I was bisexual or gay the therapy would allow me to accept it. I wish I could afford to go right now. Honestly, what makes you think that you are gay/bi? You've talked a lot about being afraid, but you've never said specifically what separates this from your obsessions. To be frank, I haven't seen you say much that would make me think you were any different from any other OCD sufferer with this theme that I've encountered. You've said you've had the occasional fantasy, and while I haven't, that doesn't necessarily mean anything for you except that you are a highly straight leaning bisexual. Also, while I'm frustrated right now, I'm also on medication. Before this, I used to just lay in bed or pace back and forth all day worrying about this. I also spent time with a gay affirming therapist. There is also the fact that I do feel a bit defensive at times because I have to explain what is going on to people who don't, and probably cannot, understand it. Here is where I disagree somewhat. Not wanting to be gay or bi does not automatically equate to internalized homophobia. Don't forget, this theme doesn't just affect heterosexuals who are afraid they are gay but people of all sexual orientations who are afraid of being something they aren't, such as gay people afraid they are really straight. There are even gay/bi people on this forum who have dealt with this, but in they were afraid of being straight or bi instead. You are correct I don't want to be gay or bi, but it really is because I don't want to be with a man. What is driving this is at this point is why I don't. I could be in denial, but the level of fear before I was on medication was completely out of control. It felt like I was about to be attacked by a bear, and I couldn't think rationally. Even still, it's impossible for me not to feel anxiety thinking about this, but how can honestly explore this if anxiety is blocking it? :bang: If I look at gay porn, and feel nervous, then wouldn't this block being aroused? I really wish someone could just tell me what exactly it is I'm supposed to do to find out.
Imnuts - appreciate your response. It really is a confusing situation. You ask why I think I'm gay/bi rather than it being another obsession. This is a question that has gotten tougher for me to answer over time, but I'll give it my best shot. The first reason - the persistence of the fear/thought that I might be gay. This idea first crossed my mind at 16/17 and, aside from brief periods where I was occupied with different obsessions, persisted. The second reason, while I don't have early experiences of fantasizing about men (or being aroused by men), during my college years, rather unexpectedly, I felt feelings of attraction towards men. These feelings terrified me - and I tried to convince myself they were something other than attraction. While these feelings have since come and gone and come and gone again, I cannot deny they existed. Where things do get more complicated for me is that I have had similar feelings in connection with other non-realistic obsessions. I am really committed to doing everything possible to sort these things out. A first step in this process is at least opening myself to the possibility I am gay. To at least allow myself to feel these feelings. Unfortunately, I'm such a ball of fear, obsession, and anxiety at the moment that it is terribly difficult to decipher up from down. I hope it all gets better. I'm in such a sad, scary place.
Well, I can't see into your head, but this is where this gets hairy. With this theme, you can get "false attractions." You see an attractive person of the same sex (in our case, at least), it scares the crap out of you, but you think that you are attracted to the person because of the strong emotion, namely fear. If you felt all warm and fuzzy about the person, then yes you could be gay or bisexual. I'm not an expert on this, but seeing an attractive man and having the shit scared out of you is not the same as wanting to be with him. I seriously thought at one point that I was attracted to my own brother. I'd look at him, and think that I was staring at his butt or think he looked good or something else like that, and become terrified. I'd get tingling sensations in my hands, my groin, and sometimes my lips. I really thought I was attracted to him, and after getting on medication it went away. As for the fantasies, it depends on whether or not these were something you enjoyed or image you got stuck in your head that wouldn't go away. Simply having gay thoughts doesn't make a person gay, and an having images in your head that scare you and won't go away isn't a fantasy. It's an intrusive thought. Again, I don't know which it is for you, but in your case something isn't making sense. Why would you fear being gay long before having any sign of it? I haven't seen too many gay people for which this has happened, but I've seen a lot of people with OCD that this has happened for. I'll be honest, given your situation with your relationship, I'm very worried that you've gotten some bad advice that may have had a very bad impact on your life. No one can change your sexuality or determine it for you, but I'm afraid you may have been convinced to leave your girlfriend when it wasn't really necessary. I hope everything works out for you, and I hope I'm wrong and that everything turns out for the best.
These are thoughts that trouble me quite a bit. Unfortunately, regardless of the outcome, I needed to leave the pressure of the relationship to figure it out. I'm not in a place where it would be a good thing for me to get engaged, married, start a family. I need to confront these issues first - both sexuality and the anxiety stuff. I think sorting these things out required me to be alone - at least for a bit.
