I have been wanting to come out to my family lately. I had decided to tell my mom first. I have been reading on here for some advice and very common recommendation is to feel out the person to find out how they feel about gay people. Well today I was walking with her and a guy very obviously checked me out. After he passed on by my mom said "I want to puke." I asked what she was talking about and she said did you not see that guy check you out. I said no (I did) why? She said that was disgusting then she goes on to say she doesn't have a BIG problem with gay people she was just upset with somebody checking me out (btw i am 26). She said she would be upset if a girl checked me out in the way the guy did. I know this is not true I have had girls look at me and her response would probably be along the lines of "do you think she is cute?" Anyway I feel as though this is major set back for me. I think I was almost ready to come out now I wonder if I ever will.
Aw, that sucks. But things often seem worse than they are. For one, wait till it actually happens with a girl, and realise that opinions will often change when someone's son comes out. If you are right, and she is never going to accept you, then you don't have to stay in the closet forever, even if it seems like you will now. BTW, welcome to EC.
Awww sorry to hear that man, and welcome to EC =] But I wouldn't let it get to you too much. My sister was making gay jokes until the day I told her, and now we've never been closer. I know parents are alot harder because I still haven't reached that point either, but don't let it put you back in the closet while you were just starting to feel comfortable at the thought. Your mom loves you, despite her negative reaction with that guy checking you out. I'm sure after you told her, she will open up, even if it does take some time after that. And remember, you don't have to rush anything. Good luck and keep us posted.
Here's a devil's advocate position: If there's any possibility that she has wondered whether you're gay (you've never had girlfriends, you have any hobbies/interests/attributes/mannerisms that might make her wonder, etc), then it's very possible that what you're seeing is unconscious denial. The strength and vehemence of her response would tend to make me think in that direction. If so, then unconsciously, she's trying to resist the idea you might be gay, and that's how it manifests. It doesn't mean it's her true feeling, especially when it's her own son... it could means that she's afraid you might be gay and trying to "reject" that idea (again, unconsciously) in the hopes that ignoring it will make it go away. I can't promise that's the response, but I've seen that sort of thing happen many times.
Your mom having said something not completely negaitve about gay people is actually a really good start (believe it or not). She seems very open and understanding. I would not wait a whole lot longer though (seeing as you are 26). A very popular thing to do (as I have gathered off this site) is to come out to your best friend first. If you have a best friend that you can trust, maybe you could tell them first and get your confidence up. I've been trying to tell my best friend for a year now.. haven't gotten the courage up yet. Just don't let your hopes get crushed. Stay strong. (*hug*)
I come from a very anti-gay religious family Raj, I have not told them. Actually because of that I didn't acknowledge my gayness until later in life. Now I feel deeply offended by their anti-gay remarks.
The weird thing is I can't tell what I more upset about. I kind of feel like I just missed a chance to come out. And I think that may be why I am upset. Don't get me wrong the remarks did hurt. But we kind of got into a small conversation about it and I think I should have just come out and said it. Now I find myself hoping that my reaction to the whole situation will give her some kind of clue but I doubt it. It's funny, people (not relatives) have always asked or thought I was gay its just the family always seems to have no clue. just not sure where to go from here.
Hey man... if it's any consolation, my parents had a similar reaction to a similar situation as the one you've described. My mom is a bit of a bragger though, so she actually used the fact that some guy checked me out to show off to her friends. Sadly, the good ends there. Before I continue, do keep in mind that I'm part of a very traditional Asian community. I had a conversation with my parents once about homosexuality when we were watching some headline about a homosexual politician. My dad, the more understanding one, said that he thinks it's weird and he could never imagine himself being intimate with another man, which is understandable. My mom was a total buzzkill though. One of the most memorable thing she's ever said was, "If one of my son is gay, I'd kill myself!" I'm easy and is good at not letting things get to me...but that comment hurt a little bit. Truth is, 25 years of life has taught me that I never pretend to be anyone ever, so I knew she, at least, loved my personality and most of who I was/am. Sexuality is hardly anything that can ever come close to defining a person, so I was ok with it. I won't blame her if she disown me when she finds out. I don't hate and it's really not her fault. We're living in tricky times. I'm sure acceptance will be universal between 20-100 years from now, so, for now, I'll take what I get. What I'm saying is, it's pretty awesome that you're at a position in your life where you finally feel confident enough to come out. I hope you keep at it and don't let the conversation you had with your mom set you back! Someday, I'll get to where you are, when I'm no longer happy with my life, and I'm sure I'll look back to this thread for inspirations
i dont think that your family doesn't think that or know that, but they do not want to believe or accept that so they are in denial. some dude walked up to you and checked you out in front of your mom to the point where she even saw and knew it. her saying it was gross and she wanted to puke was her way of saying, "i dont want you to be gay, this is not the life i want for you, it's ok from others but not for my son". it was also hopefully a way to "keep you straight" in her mind. you need to just tell her mom, what would you do if i told you i was gay? would you feel the same way about me that you felt about the guy that checked me out last week? you have two choices. tell mom now and start there or keep avoiding it and be the ovver 30 son that is not married and everyone is wondering what's up with you and still trying to force nice young girls on you.
Judging by your name, I'm going to make an assumption and say that you're South Asian. I, too, am from the South Asian community and coming out was the hardest thing I had ever done. I told myself from the beginning that if I were to come out, it's only right I come out to my parents before anyone else. Our family is really close, and it wouldn't have been fair to lie to them. That's just something I believe in. So, I came out to them (a couple of weeks ago, actually). They refused to regard any of the facts. They refused to regard that it isn't a phase (they believe that 'miracles' can happen if I keep an open mind). They've told me that they love me no matter what and they'll always be there for me. But, I know they'll be deeply saddened and extremely hurt when they find out that I'm doing things with guys and not girls in the future. My sister has been the most supportive. She also believes in an 'open mind', but she says she doesn't care about what happens in the future. I still get comments from my mom ("if only I had raised you right, this wouldn't have happened), but I don't take them to heart. I know this is her way of dealing with the "pain" and "loss". I just hope, with time, she fully accepts the kind of person I am, and that this isn't gonna change. I believe in an honest policy––especially with your loved one's. Maybe they'll never want to talk about your "relationships" with your significant others, but if they're still willing to love you, then that's all that matters, right? In the long run, I'm sure they'll come to accept you. They only have so much of their family left, and they don't want to lose that. That's what I believe in, anyway. But, I'm also the person, who, if is being pushed away, will fight harder to be put back. I don't admit defeat. Especially with my family members. SO, don't give up. It may not get better right away, and it may not get better for a long while, but inside, it feels a whole lot better. Trust me.
I think there may be something to what Chip said, about your mom having some clues that you might be gay and being in denial about it. It's important to realize that it would be unconscious though. Denial means that, deep down, she has some idea that you are gay, but she really doesn't want it to be true, so her mind creates a kind of barrier to her thinking it. Someone who is in denial will go to really great lengths, and even believe things that are objectively worse than the truth, in order to avoid facing the thing they are in denial about. However, look at it this way as well. Your mom initially reacted with disgust when a man checked you out--but when you didn't also react with disgust, she backed off a little. So you are important enough to her that she is influenced even just by your having a different opinion about gay people than she has. I mean, a different interpretation of her response is that she expected you to be disgusted, and was surprised that you weren't and had to change course sort of midstream. If she thinks you are straight, she would have expected you to feel at least a little uncomfortable with a man looking at you like that. If you want to come out to your mom, you can bring up what happened as an introduction to the conversation. Just because you didn't do it immediately in the moment, it doesn't mean that the opportunity is lost.
