Just some thoughts.

Hey EC. I'm not necessarily looking for specific advice or anything, I've just been thinking about some stuff lately, and needed somewhere to jot it all down. If you want to comment by all means, I'd welcome it, but I'm not looking for anything in particular.

Well, with the recent coming out to my two other housemates (that leaves one left), I'm feeling so very close to my goal of being out at university. I mean, by this point, I'd be more than willing to go Facebook my university friends that I haven't seen lately to let them know and have it be done with, since I know they wouldn't have a problem. The thing is, my one housemate is in our group of friends too, and while we get along fine, I know that he has some issues with gay people. I don't know the extent of it because I haven't asked, but he was raised in a very sheltered, religious upbringing. It's not that he necessarily dislikes them, he just more likely doesn't know anything different.

I want to be that person. That person filling the 'you just need to know a gay person for your attitude to change' category. I genuinely feel like he'd be okay with it, in the long run. The thing is, I don't want to chance anything. The rest of our house has been awesome so far. But I suddenly got the realization the impact my actions might have on the rest of them... I mean, up until now, my coming-outs have affected predominantly me, as nothing else has really changed with my friends. But with this one, if he really doesn't take it well, he might decide he can't live here anymore. It's about time for us to resign our lease, and we already have one room to fill; I don't want to be the person who makes it two rooms by being 'selfish' and thinking only about my coming out.

Besides that, feeling more 'out' than I have before, I keep thinking about what I'm going to do when the bulk of my coming out is done. I mean, I've dedicated so much time, effort, and mental willpower to my sexuality for the better part of the last 3 years (at least), and I know other aspects of my life have suffered because of it. I was rambling to my friend about my problems (we complain to each other) and her response was that I could 'finally just relax'. I mean, sure, I could relax, but I almost think it's to the point I wouldn't know how to spend my time not worrying.

I'm also thinking of going to set up an appointment with a counsellor. I don't think I've mentioned it much here, but I have a strong aversion to drinking; not just my drinking, but even others drinking. It's irrational behaviour, and I know its because I conditioned myself to dislike it from my dad's alcoholism and all the problems it caused growing up. The thing is, I know that my behaviour is silly. I know that I work hard to hide it when my friends go out to drink/party (and they don't exactly party hard, in fact they're always more than responsible). I feel bad worrying about something that should be a fun, social event because of such irrational reasons. Hell, a large part of me wants to go out with them and drink, to go to those parties when all our friends are meeting up after the holidays, to go and have a good time without worrying about it. But I know the stats about children of alcoholics and all that stuff. I think deep down, I'm worried not only that if I start drinking I'll end up an alcoholic, but regardless whether I drink or not that I'll always have this silly aversion to it.

I think it's a good thing though that I actually want to make this appointment. I've been resistant to the idea before when my mom suggested it, and even when Chip suggested it. I think that was because I wasn't doing it on 'my' terms. Putting forth my own motivation to do this, even though I'm terrified of talking to a stranger (in person) about it, I feel like I would actually follow through.

And I definitely failed my math class. I keep justifying it that it was understandable to fail it, because I had 7 courses (due to my program; the usual courseload is 5), passed all my other courses I was struggling in, and was going home to work most weekends, all while dealing with well, my whole coming out process so far along with the separation of my parents. Bottom line, I could have done more to prevent it, and it was ultimately my responsibility to get the marks. The only part not within my power was a <2% assignment I defaulted to a 0 on because I wasn't registered for the class when it was given out. But realistically, that wouldn't have helped me anyway.

Ah, I think that's all for now.

EDIT: RIGHT! The main thing I meant to talk about but got sidetracked . I've had a crush on my roommate (who is straight until I hear otherwise) for quite a few months now. With the start of exams, I started acting more and more isolated in order to not only focus on studying better, but also start the whole time/distance thing. Then, straight into holidays, where I didn't hear from him much for the two weeks. I think I'm finally getting over him. I'm ecstatic, because I was worried I wouldn't, but at the same time I feel myself being kind of sad. I mean, I'm happy because now we can go back to being friends, but I feel like there's a space missing where his thoughts used to fill up my time. I don't know, it's almost like a loneliness.

More than anything now I realize I want to get back to being good friends. I haven't been rude or standoffish, but I've certainly been less social with him for the last month. I keep trying to strike up conversations and stuff (whenever we see each other) and they go fine, but I feel like we've definitely drifted a bit, and that's my fault. I guess I'm just going to keep at it, but I can't do anything but hope our friendship will go back to the level it was before. I know we were friends before I developed feelings for him (or even admitted to myself I was gay), but I can't help thinking that what if (subconsciously) I only befriended him in hopes of something more?

 

Heh, thanks.

I guess I was having a pseudo pity party; even though I wasn't feeling particularly bad about myself, closer to emotionless if that makes any sense. Maybe even transient, but I'm not sure if that's the right word to describe it.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, that I'm working on getting all the things I didn't 'like' about my life under control. I'm happy about it, because so far it's going well, but I think every time something is finished, I effectively have more spare time and energy, and end up searching for something else to dedicate it to (which ends up being another 'flaw'). I guess that's just something I need to work on.

Regardless, thanks.

 

Don't worry, I'm in no way offended. Honestly, the way you put it is usually just the way I need to hear it: straight up, no frills or sugarcoating, good or bad. It effectively snaps me out of the place I'm in, and makes me give myself a little more credit when its due.

And as for the crush thing, it was effectively him, me, and another housemate of ours spending the whole weekend sitting on the couch downstairs and collectively playing games, since everyone else was gone. It was fun. Lots of laughing, poking fun, good times. I still catch myself thinking about him though... but I think it's almost a different desire. A part of me really wishes I could be in his shoes. Sure, I find him attractive, but a lot of his qualities that I find appealing are all those opposite to my own. I suppose it's jealousy, but without the malicious side of it. Envy, I guess.

Though, I still catch myself glancing out of the corner of my eye if he were to say, stretch, and his shirt happened to ride up a little bit. But I suppose that's something I'd do to any attractive guy