Well let me start off by saying that I have never admitted to being bisexual. I am a 27 year old white male. I lead a pretty normal life. i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years and plan to marry her some day. I love her with everything I have. I have a great job that allows me to work from home. Have a nice house and 2 nice cars. I have 2 of the best dogs in the world. I love my life very much. She is the only person I have talked to about my curiosities and shared some of my fantasies. I however, have not admitted to being bisexual. I for some reason can only tell her I would only do it in the heat of the moment if she was there. I've had these feelings for as long as I can remember. Growing up, in my house it was "wrong" for men to like men. I was "tought" that gay men couldn't fart and if they tried they would shit their pants. I was also told I would be disowned and thrown out of the house. I didnt have any Gi-Joes or any other doll toys growing up. My parents said on girls and queers play with dolls. even if the dolls are macho men with guns. When I was 7ish, a neighbor boy (he was around 5) would spend the night at eachothers houses and play truth or dare. We would rub and suck on eachother. This continued for about 6-8 months. We never got caught but I dont know what changed and made us stop. I went through puberty at a very young age. I was in the 4th grade and was 9 years old. I found myself looking at both girls and boys butts thinking which ones I thought were nice. Ive always been a butt guy I spent alot of time masturbating not really knowing what i was doing. In the 7th grade a friend and I became very close. We were inseparable. I always had a thing for him and always imagined what he looked like without cloths on. My friend was very modest. I still to this day (15 years later) have not seem him without his shirt on. We were such good friends I did not want to do ANYTHING that would ruin what we had. So I never even so much as hinted at anything. He still to this day doesnt know that I am bi and had feelings for him. Nor will he ever know. Durring middle school and High school I supressed all feelings and urges towards other guys. I dated lots of girls. Even slept with quite a few of them. Moving on to my late teens and early 20's I became a whore. I pretty much would sleep with any women that would open her legs for me. I even payed for sex a couple times (something else I've NEVER told anyone). Durring this time I would browse the craigslist personals and check out other mens ads. I started venturing into watching bisexual porn on the internet and was actually getting off to it. I landed a job at a local adult video store. I was unlucky enough to get stuck full time on the graveyard shift. I was left alone in the store all night long. Just me, and the customers. The store had an "arcade" in the back that I quickly learned that men used to anonymous sex with other men. I knew it was mostly other men because I rarely saw a women go into the arcade and they never went in alone. This started to get me curious again and on a slow night when i knew we would be dead for a while headed back to do my "hourly rounds" through the arcade. I saw that there was only 1 booth occupied and no other customers in the store. I entered the booth next to the occupied one to see what went on in these rooms. I heard straight porn playing from the next booth and saw a hole in the wall at just the right height. I peeked through the hole and saw a man on the other side completely naked jacking off. I continued watching him for what seemed like forever. It was making me hard. I didnt know the protical for using the gloryhole so I just unzipped and stuck my manhood through the hole. My neighbor imeditially took a hold of it and then did what i didnt expect. He took the whole thing in his mouth. I was so nervous my whole body was shaking. I came within 30 seconds. I zipped and rushed back to the counter. The man came out a few minutes later and left never suspecting he just sucked off the straight porn clerk. I felt really guilty over what I had done. It put me in a slump. For the first time in my life I was really questioning my sexuality. I grew up with it being so wrong and yet my first experience had me craving more. I met my current girlfriend soon after and my curiousities went back into the closet. She was a very "good" girl. She wasnt into anything kinky and we had a pretty boring sex life. It took over a year for her to give me head. It took 5 years for her to let me play with her ass. Over the years my curiousity has come back from time to time. I will browse craigslist ads or watch some gay or bi porn on the internet. I've bought some toys for "her" to use. If only she knew I bought them for me to use :icon_bigg . Her and I have discussed some of our curiosities and she does know I am curious. But for some reason I cant let out more then that. She asked me if i was interested in trying it sometime and i told her i would likely only do it in the heat of the moment if she were there. This is a lie. It is something I would really like to experience on my own. I find myself fantasizing more and more often about this. sometimes the urges settle for a few months then just pop back up out of nowhere. I am not really attracted to mens bodies. Penis's just make me curious. they are all so different yet so similar. I've found that when I watch porn I am more interested in what the man is doing than what the women is doing. I'm so sorry this has turned into my life story. I've never been able to tell any of this to anyone and its so nice to be able to finally get it off my chest. I guess the reason I posted this here instead of the coming out section is because I don't know how to talk about this with my gf. I am so afraid that I will like it so much that she wouldn't get me turned on anymore. I think she would be ok with it but i don't know how to come to her and tell her i want to suck another guy off and maybe let him take my virginity. any advice or support any of you could give would be greatly appreciated. I've always supressed my feelings towards being bisexual. I've never let it slip and as far as I know, noone has really suspected.
Hi, bob! First, welcome to EC. I'm sure that what you're feeling is really upsetting, with the confusion and how it's affecting your feelings about your girlfriend. But you're in the right place. I think the first thing to realize, if you don't already, is that whatever is, is. If you're bisexual or even gay, that's who you are, and you won't be able to change it. And clearly you're starting to think about it and try to sort it out. And while that's a scary thing, it's also a good thing, because regardless of what the answer is, you won't be worrying and questioning once it becomes more clear to you. On the devil's advocate side, I'll say that having an orgasm by getting sucked off by a guy in a video arcade glory hole does not make someone gay. Sexual organs respond to stimulus, and most guys, gay or straight, will eventually orgasm from a blowjob if the guy/girl giving it knows what s/he is doing. So that by itself doesn't really tell you much. What's a greater indicator is where you feel your attractions lie. And that can be tricky, because sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and denies things we don't want to hear. So to get a clear answer, you need to try and look past the logical self that's trying to justify why you're straight and instead be openminded to what is really going on for you. Given that you seem to have attractions to men and women, and this has been a repeating pattern over time, it seems pretty clear that you aren't 100% straight. I will also say it's possible you're gay... there are plenty of guys who have sex with a bazillion women to try and prove to themselves that they aren't gay... but it's also quite possible you're just somewhere in the middle. So the thing to do is open yourself to the possibilities and see what happens as you do. You work in a porn shop, so you have plenty of stimulus. Spend some time and watch some of the content. I'd stick mostly to the vanilla stuff and avoid the extreme stuff for now, but look at straight stuff and gay stuff. It may be a little different for you than for the average person as you're probably somewhat desensitized. But you should be able to tell if you feel arousal looking at gay porn, and then compare that to arousal you see looking at straight porn. This assumes that your store has a reasonable selection of gay porn; many have only a handful of videos of not-very-appealing guys. If that's the case, the Internet is your friend. And try masturbating thinking about guys and thinking about girls, and see how both of those affect you. It can be tough opening up to these possibilities, but you already know something's going on and you see like you're ready to explore and figure out what's going on, so I think you're probably also ready to begin to accept whatever comes out of your exploration. Please keep us in the loop about what happens for you.
Got an error message trying to post it before, sorry if it ends up being a multiple-post. There are some very close similarities between our stories. I don't really have a GF at the moment (which probably made the things simpler for me... were it not for some family issues that made me move in with my parents...) and of course, specific incidents are different, but other than that? Lots of, umm, heterosexual activity right after college? Check. A few very gay moments one felt guilty about? Check. (To the point in my case when I think I specially found things to be depressed about, it made same-sex fantasies somehow "ok.") Interest recurring every few months? Yea. Browsing "other team's" personals? A lot. Thoughts that male body isn't attractive? Yes. And yes, I too experimented with "female" toys. When I finally had had that "done with double-talk, "bi-curiosity," "bi only when I'm depressed" and other rationalizations, I'm bi" moment, my first thought too was along the lines "what if no one would turn me on for long after that?" So far, although it was just a few weeks something quite opposite happened, - that extreme ebb and flow of same-sex attractions sort of evened out after a feverish first week. So far it's all just wistful fantasies about passers-by, but they're sometimes about male passers-by, sometimes not. I also seemingly got from somewhere a fine-grained scale for male "hotness", instead of just a few fetish-like attractions (and this was probably the most surprising part.) I also like myself much more than I ever did before. It's really like an enormous part of my brain was previously busyy solely with maintaining my "straightness" is now free for more useful things. All the problems and freaky moments, and strange experiences of truthfully answering the question of your sexuality are worth it. Any supposed "advantages" of maintaining "straight" image are nothing compared to real knowledge and freedom it gives. That said, you, of course, aren't me, and your experience WILL be different in important ways. I just wanted to show you how it might be like, that you won't turn some depraved maniac if you call yourself "bi" or "gay" and that whatever there is on the other side of that "questioning" status, it's definitely worth the trouble of getting there.
