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identity crisis

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by queenofhearts, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. queenofhearts

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    i have been questioning for about a year and am about 90 percent sure im a lesbian..i love girls i have crushes on girls..i love butch girls..the whole 9 yards haha..but ever since i started questioning (and its gotten almost worse now)..ive had like an identity crisis..everything seems different now..i go from wanting to dress super girly and everything to just wanting to dress comfortable and wanting to tone it down to fit more of the stereotypical gay girl..but at the same time i feel cute just wearing sweats to..im caught between wanting to come out and not wanting to cuz ive never dated a girl and wanting more experience first...i feel like i dont know myself anymore..i go from wanting to hang around lesbians to being overwhelmed when i do..to elaborate on that my aunt is gay and i want to hang out with her cuz she is one of the few people that know and her girlfriend is fun to hang out with too..i feel like i can be myself for once..but at the same time i get really bad anxiety around them..but then when i go home i get almost depressed cuz im back to the closet life..and when im around them i always want to talk about lgbt topics or what girls i think are hot but when i try i never can quite get what i want to say out cuz i get so uncomfortable..i dont understand it..i kind of feel like its just cuz it takes time to be comfortable being open about everything..but for some reason i end up feeling super vulnerable..but if that was the case then why do i get depressed when i go back home?..does anyone else feel like this?..its all just very confusing when it seems like everything i do i want to be on all sides of the spectrum..any advice? :frowning2:..i feel like i just need to be patient and let it all fall into place..ugh i worry to much
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Okay, so, I'm going to dissect this a little bit. You have a really long run-on sentence that should actually probably be a few different paragraphs there, so it's a little confusing. The bold is what I think you mean. If I've misinterpreted anything, please let me know.

    That's cool. Me too.

    It's not unusual to go through some confusion about this when you are first coming out. I actually dressed a little differently when I was in the process of coming out to myself--I think it was my unconscious mind trying to communicate my sexuality to me. I was still pretty feminine, but I cut my hair a lot shorter and dyed it several colors, among other things. Since I came out, though, I am a lot more feminine than I've ever been. I'm just more comfortable with it than I was before--I used to feel really weird about men looking at me. I still don't like it, but now I understand why, and it isn't as bothersome. And now there are people that I want to look at me.

    While you are still struggling to be comfortable with yourself, you might feel like you need to dress in a certain way in order to control how others see you instead of just in the way you like best. For some people, that means they dress more "gay," and for some people it means they dress less "gay" than they normally would. When you are more comfortable with your sexuality and, you know, settled in to being out, you'll wear whatever clothes make you feel the most like you.

    (I am very girly, and I am still a lesbian.)

    When it's possible, I think it's best to come out before dating. That way people don't think it was all your girlfriend's idea, and you never have to sneak around even at the beginning. But it's fine to wait until you feel more sure of yourself.

    This is basically what it feels like before you come out. I think it's pretty standard. Before I came out, there were several months where I was trying, and just couldn't force the words out. Eventually I came out to people in other ways, in letters or facebook or text messages, depending on who it was and what my relationship was to them. And, in a lot of ways, I was actually the most uncomfortable with people I knew who were lesbians. It just made me feel more acutely embarrassed, or something. It was always okay if it was a new person I met who was gay, but with lesbians who had known me for years, I just felt really strange about it.

    It makes sense that you feel vulnerable when you are confronting your sexuality, and I think it also makes perfect sense that you are depressed when you go home--you are let down that you didn't really make any progress. It's not totally clear, but you haven't come out to them at all, have you?

    I think every thing you are going through is very common. It's normal to be kind of all over the place while you are still coming out, and especially while you are still coming out to yourself. (Which, since you are still only 90% sure that you are gay, is still the stage you are in.)

    Don't worry, you will work through it all, and it sounds like you will have a pretty good support system in place when you do come out.

    For now, just don't worry about it too much. (*hug*)
     
  3. queenofhearts

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    thank u so much for ur response..it really helps...

    i totally forgot to mention that i have come out to my aunt..shes one of the 2 people i have come out to..shes very supportive about it and talks to me like its not a big deal..

    thats why i dont know why i still get so nervous and seem to still censor myself even tho she knows and shes totally fine with it..

    but at the same time ive always been one that has a very hard time talking about my feelings..so i kinda feel like thats probably the reason..even tho i want to really really do want to talk about it cuz it..

    and the whole depressed thing u said makes sense cuz i probably get depressed cuz i wasnt able to get out what i wanted even tho i am out to her..i guess its just frustrating when i only have 1 person that i can really be myself around and i still cant really be open and let the walls down
     
  4. silverhalo

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    The problem is when you live in the closet 90% of the time, its difficult to get out of that mindset even when you are around people you are out to, its such a contrast so its a bit of a shock to the system. Your brain is so used to hiding and denying these parts of you that it still wants to hide and deny them even though you are with your Aunt.

    Try not to worry about it, I would say try and spend good quality time with your Aunt whenever you can and the more time you spend with her the easier it will get. Try not to force yourself to talk about everything gay when you are with them just be yourself and do what comes naturally. It will get better over time.