Best Friend Came Out to me

Personally, I (as a gay male) have experienced rejection after I came out, and it's a really hard thing to go through. What your friend likely needs right now is your support. Text him, email him, or tell him face to face that you're ok with him being gay. I'm really sorry about the crush, but (and I hate saying it this way, I really do, please don't take this the wrong way) he'll never like you as more than a friend. I know it's hard, but it's one of the sad truths of life. I'd suggest try to talk to him. Ask him how he feels, tell him that you're here for him. What he needs right now is for you to accept him. Don't feel played and fooled. He didn't hide it from you to be mean or spiteful, he hid it because he felt afraid that people wouldn't accept him. If you're the first person he came out to, it means he trusts you very much, and obviously he considers you a person that would be accepting in this situation. Show him that his trust is valued.

 

You're right. Acting normal is the best thing to do, but I'd suggest talking to him about being gay (not in public, mind you) and asking him how he feels. I see that you've already done it after he came out, but talking about it in a less emotionally charged atmosphere could be less scary. He knows more about this than I do, and talking to him about it might make him feel more comfortable. After I came out, I talked for 2 hours to my friend about it and just talking to her made me feel so much better. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, but the worst thing to do would be to pretend like he never came out.

 

Hey, you sound like a good friend. It isn't bad that you cried. (*hug*) Everyone reacts differently to situations and as long as you tell him that you accept and support him, it'll be ok. It's hard because you have feelings for him so it isn't like you aren't supporting him, it's just that you feel as though you are losing something. It might be good to have a conversation with him to make sure he knows you support him and care about him no matter what (although you said he already knows that). Just to clear things up and to be 100% certain. It might even be good to tell him what you told us, that he is the same person to you that he was a week ago. He is still the same person, you just know more about him. What do you mean when you say he doesn't want people to say "It'll be ok" and other phrases like that? Since he is closeted, make sure to have any conversations about this in private where no one else can eavesdrop.

You could tell him (although I don't know him so I'm not sure if this is considered publicly supportive) that if he ever wants to talk about it again, you'll be there. That way he will come to you when he's ready to talk about it. For me, that was the best approach. When I tell someone I'm gay, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm ready to talk about everything yet. It might take him a while to feel more comfortable. However, since you have feelings for him, it might be best to just tell him you are there for him and try to not push the topic anymore until you feel better able to handle things. Look out for your own emotions too.

What dairyuu said is right because your friend, although he loves you dearly as a friend, can't feel the same way about you because he is gay. We've all been there so I can understand how hard it is. I have fallen in love with straight female friends and I had to realize that they can't love me back because they're straight. Just remember that you can't do anything about this. It's out of your control. Both you and your friend can't change your sexuality or attraction toward the opposite/same-sex.

In time it will get easier for you to deal with everything and you will find someone that loves you in the same way as you love them. The serenity prayer is something that might apply.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

No one can change their sexual orientation. He will always be gay. The only thing you can control right now is to be there for your friend and make sure he knows you accept him while also taking care of yourself and your feelings. You can talk to friends, write on here, and do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. You are important too, and you're hurting. Time will help you to come to grips with this more.

Also, your friend wasn't trying to betray you by not telling you until now. Coming out is really hard and scary. It takes a long time to come to grips with your sexuality. If someone hasn't told you their sexuality, it isn't because they want to fool someone. It's because they need time to accept it themselves. Think of it this way: he is telling you first because he really trusts you and thinks very highly of you. He wants to be the real him with you because you are trust worthy. Being gay can be hard and the hardest part is the fear of not being accepted. He was scared and that's why he has not told anyone before.

Hang in there and keep writing on here if you want because it helps.

 

My friend Erika and I were kind of in a similar situation a long time ago. She has been my best friend for a long time and then one year she admitted that she had feelings for me (which of course I didn't have back). Later that year, I came out to her and I think she handled it quite well. I was too chicken to come out in person, so I did it through email and this was her response:

Like Erika did, I think there are a few important things that you should say to him. You should make sure that he knows that you are always there for him no matter what and that he can always trust you. Also, it's important (or at least it was for me) to make sure that he knows that this doesn't change anything between you and that you should keep things normal. I can kinda relate to him on the aspect that I didn't want people to get all publicly supportive when I told them, I just wanted them to act the same way as they always have. I don't know what your friend wants exactly...so I'll just reccomend that. I hope this is able to help you some.

 

hey so I was in the same position from the guys standpoint, and you really need to be there for him. One of my closest female friends told me a few weeks before college that she really liked me. I knew that my coming out was inevitable so I told her we just couldn't be together for this and that, a very emotional conversation in itself. And then I came to terms with it recently, and told her a few weeks ago. I didn't know how to and it was so hard. Granted, she didn't start crying, but she was pretty quiet. I just knew she was disappointed and at a point where I feel like I'm disappointing people in general by coming out to them, getting that from one of my closest friends really hurt. And to top it off, she added that she wished I told her sooner...She later explained that she still loves me and that she just didn't know what to say at first. We were later more relaxed about it and, reached an agreement that we would scrutinize each others future love interests. I felt so much better just knowing she was okay with it.

Sorry for the long-winded response but I thought it might help to hear a similar situation for another view-point. Just be there for him, be that best friend that you've been, because that's all he really needs. The fact that you still have hope for something more would probably make him feel guilty if you ever told him. He knows the he'd never be able to truly make you happy despite any effort on his part, which would go completely against his true nature anyway, so hearing all that will just hurt him more at a time when he's most vulnerable. Just accept what he's confided in you and be there for him =]

 

Romance isn't necessarily more than friendship--it's just different. If you are the only person he's come out to, you are very, very important to him.

It's okay that you cried. If he's bothered by it, you might consider telling him why, so that he'll understand. As a gay guy, he will surely understand about having a crush on someone who will never be interested.

One thing you could do is to always make sure to speak up if someone is making homophobic comments or anything like that at school--including things like saying "that's so gay" as an insult. When gay people are still in the closet, like your friend, they often don't feel like they can say anything about it themselves without people suspecting. It's really terrible when everybody just lets it pass--it can feel like everyone agrees with it, and if you are in the closet, you feel like you just have to sit there. It's so, so horrible. Maybe you do this anyway, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

When you get to a point that it isn't too painful, you could also talk to him about guys, and things like that. You could at least ask him if he thinks any movie stars are hot. Just anything that acknowledges that he is gay, while you are alone together, so that he can see that you are okay with it.

 

When I said you could talk to people about how you feel I think I should correct myself by saying you can talk to us on here or to a counselor if that helps. I didn't mean to say friends because I'm sure your guy friend is definitely not ready for anyone else to know. What I meant was, take care of yourself by venting your feelings to us or to a counselor. Sorry about that, I made that a little bit confusing.

 

Hey I dont know if anyone else has suggested this but I dont think it is always necessary to have long in depth conversations after you come out, when I have come out to people im not necessarily interested in long drawn out conversations about it, I dont mind answering questions and the like and obviously especially with the first few I was looking for support and then I want it to continue as normal. So what im really trying to say is probably the best thing to say to him, is I know you are exactly the same person as before, and you know I support you 100%, I am always here for you and if you want to talk or need support with anything then just let me know.
This way you are leaving it up to him, you are making your support and acceptance be clearly known, but you are not being over the top in your face talking about it all the time.

 

You do seem like a truly excellent friend. I mean the fact that you came here to try to figure out what to do speaks volumes about the kind of person you are, so you know whatever your worries about how reacted, no one can be perfect and you seem like you are doing your best especially since you are emotionally tied up in this is a way that is not easy to deal with. He is lucky to have you as a friend.

I don't think you should wait for this come to up in conversation. EC was an incredible resource for me when I felt uncomfortable talking about my sexuality with anyone else. Just reading the stories of our members, and seeing my own experience in theirs was a powerful tool to accept myself. It also offered a way to emotionally process this without any of the complications that talking with a friend had.

Just shoot him an email saying that you found this cool site and that it seems (at least to me) that we really try to be open and supportive and it's anonymous. If he is having trouble talking to you about it, this could be an important alternative. And you might even add into the email that you are not expecting him to email you back unless he wants to in which case you would be totally open.

 

I think you need to give him support BUT same time you should maybe talk to him about how you feel. He's your best friend, he'll understand. It'll also make your friendship stronger if you can be honest with him.