Hey everyone! This is my first post, so I'll share a little about myself first. I am a senior in college, and I am just a typical guy. I am very masculine, and enjoy normal guy stuff. I've been attracted to guys for about as long as I can remember, but I've been trying to suppress those feelings for just as long. Over the years, however, I have allowed myself to experiment a bit, which I always feared would be inevitable. My group of friends consists entirely of your typical straight crowd. I am in a fraternity, and I relate really well to all my fraternity brothers. I have everything in common with them, except the fact that I like dudes. It would kill me if they knew. I have dated women and enjoyed it very much, but my physical attraction to men has always been somewhat overwhelming. My relationships never lasted long, and I think part of it is my guilt for being attracted to guys. I feel like no woman could ever want to be with me if they knew what I was. I certainly feel confused, at times I have felt depressed (although I am extremely good at hiding it), and all I have ever wanted is to be normal. After reading the many posts on this site, I see that I am not alone in this... Lately, I have been feeling increasingly lonely. I can't approach guys for relationships because I don't want to be outed. I don't approach women very often because I feel like I don't deserve to be with them. I am very good at making friends with guys (usually attractive guys). However, all to often I end up developing feelings for them, which only further complicates things and leads me to feeling more alone. Not having an outlet to meet guys, I went on craigslist a few weeks ago to find someone for a random hookup. I ended up meeting a really cool guy that I connected with really well. We've met up a couple times and it is always great. The last time we got together, we fooled around for hours. It was really intimate, and I was amazed at how comfortable we were together. Even though we barely knew each other, it felt like we were really close. We held each other for the longest time, and it was like we could just lay in bed together forever. What scares me is this: that closeness I felt was completely artificial. It's as if I am trying to fill an emotional void with physical intimacy. I believe sex is an expression of love, and I'm cheapening the experience by skipping the love part. So where am I going with this endless rant? I am currently more confused than ever. I recently felt something for a guy that I had never felt before, but I don't even really know him, so I know it can't be real. I don't want to close any doors to a straight relationship, but I'm not actively pursuing one either, and I'm still not comfortable with the idea of living a gay or bi lifestyle. So ya... that's kinda what I'm going through right now. Thanks for listening.
If it felt real, it's real. Otherwise it's a self-contradiction in terms. Something that felt real and intimate cannot be wholly artificial or any more artificial than hookup with say, a girl. I was just like you in college, minus the acting on my gay urges part. I went through all of college suppressing my overwhelming urge towards other young college dudes, and I was also part of a very reputable fraternity.. where the guys I befriended the most were often very attractive. Part of me always felt a ray of hope that one of my college friends might have something towards me, but it was never the case. Consider yourself privileged to have experienced gay intimacy while in college. Guys like me went through college without summing up the nerve to feel that, so dont put yourself in a frenzy over it. Don't think about "why", just accept it for what it was. Did it feel intimate? Was it more than you expected out of a hook-up? If yes to both, then great. No need to fret about it. ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2012 at 03:47 AM ---------- And it's not necessary to know someone beforehand for the experience to count as genuine/authentic. According to your own words...You felt a certain chemistry with said person, something beyond the hormonal rush of sex, and felt a connection. Why not go further and see if you can turn it into a relationship, or at least something more long-lasting than a one-time affair? ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2012 at 03:52 AM ---------- Maybe you're in love.. You said you can relate to him in more ways than just the bedroom, so pursue it. Don't worry, you still have plenty of opportunities for straight relationships in the future.. unless you want to commit yourself to this guy for life, just sanely approach your current situation as it is and dont try to run away from it. You don't know the things I'd do to be as "confused" as you right now, lol. It sucks to be as miserably single and lonely as me.
I'm still in highschool but in a very similar situation. My advice would be that he is the first real guy you've been with. You don't really know him yet. Take it slow and see where it goes. Sex isn't everything and you want the first time to be with a guy that you really love and trust. Have a emotional relationship to build the physical on first.
First off, there is no such thing as a gay/bisexual 'lifestyle.' Gay people are just like straight people, except we like people of the same-sex. That's literally the only difference, and that isn't anything to be ashamed of. Some boys fall in love with other boys and that's ok, and some girls fall in love with other girls and that's alright too. You are 'normal' if there is even such a thing. This definitely isn't what you want to hear, but I think you should start to consider coming out to someone--start with your closest friend. To me, that seems to be the bulk of the problem here. You want to be loved and you want to explore yourself, but you can't do that and get what you want in the shadows, and you won't. You probably won't ever find real love on Craigslist, and I'm going to disagree with the posters above and say that it probably was pretty artificial. I mean, can you imagine bringing him home to your family? Would he take you to meet his? I'm going to guess probably not... I think you will be very, very surprised how the people you care about will rally around you after you come out. The thing is, they're going to love you more than they hate gay people. They might not understand at first, they might ask really uncomfortable questions, they might try to offer you misguided 'help,' but they want to understand and be there for you because they care. There are plenty of girls out there that actually love bisexual boys too, by the way. I think you need to recognize right now that this is a problem that you've created for yourself, and until you come out of the closet it isn't going to go away. You're bisexual, you always will be. This is affecting every facet of your life and it is totally passing you by and placing you on a very dangerous road in the process. What are you waiting for?
Thanks guys! This is exactly what I've been feeling for the last four years... It's nice to know someone else has been there too. I've been thinking about coming out to one of my friends quite a bit recently. I'm just not quite sure which one yet. I know my friends will accept me and love me and all, but my real fear is simply how they'll perceive me. And I know I'm not going to find what I'm looking for on craigslist. I think that is what I have learned the most through all of this. I thought I was just looking for a way to satisfy my sexual desires, but what I really want is someone I can be in a relationship with and be close to. I also know this means that unless I decide to come out, I can never really make that happen. As far as the guy I met, we definitely do share a connection. I plan to stay in touch with him, but we go to different schools although we're from the same city. And to be totally honest, I don't know what his expectations are. He may totally see this as a friends with benefits kind of thing, which is what it was supposed to be. At any rate, I'm not closing any doors with him and I'm not jumping thorough hoops yet either - what ever happens, happens. I'm really not ready to come out right now. I have developed a very good reputation for myself on campus, and I don't want to jeopardize that. I'm also starting my career soon, and I don't know how this will all fit into my new job. I think for now, my best bet is to come out to a friend, so I at least have someone to talk to. Right now I have no one. I appreciate all of your support!
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're definitely in the right place! I can definitely relate to where you are. As we come to process and accept any "loss" (in this case, the loss of being completely straight), there are stages one goes through (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and from what you're saying it sounds like you're somewhere between bargaining and acceptance. (The stages aren't always linear.) So that's a good thing. It also means that the depression will lift as you get closer to self-acceptance. So as others have said, the Craigslist hookup was good in terms of helping you to feel something meaningful with this other person and perhaps, in a way, confirm that the attraction you've felt toward guys wasn't just some passing thing. And I'd also agree with jsmurf and jlg65 that what you experienced was, in fact, "real" in terms of the feelings... though I also agree that the depth of those feelings will be much greater as you find a meaningful relationship and connect with that person on a deeper level. Sex without emotional intimacy is very different than sex with emotional intimacy, as you've indicated, and the intimacy has to develop over time, so you're on the right track in terms of realizing that and wanting that connection. But the question now is what to do in the short term. We have some members here that have come out while living in fraternities and found their frat brothers have been very supportive. We've had others who have had a less welcoming reception. I think it depends on the school and the overall culture. One thing I can tell you, though: You are not the only gay or bisexual person on campus. If there are 2000 students, there are probably 200 to 300 gay/bisexual people on campus. If it's a school for uber religious conservative right wing crazies that absolutely prohibits gay people, cut that number in half... but they are still there. So you may be able to look around and find others besides yourself and make some friends that aren't necessarily hookup or boyfriend material. The decision to come out, particularly living in a frat, is a complicated one. If you're graduating in May, it wouldn't be awful to wait, but that will be a decision for you to contemplate. One other thing I'll raise that isn't really important, but might be part of your thinking process: You've mentioned being attracted to guys for as long as you can remember, and dating women and not enjoying it. So -- as scary as this might sound -- you might consider whether you're bisexual, or whether you're closer to gay. The distinction isn't important to anyone but you, but sometimes people hold onto the "bisexual" label for dear life as it allows them to cling to a a sense of "normalcy" and the idea they might still end up married to a woman and so forth. Now... if the attraction you feel toward some women is sexual, and you look at women and fantasize about them, masturbate thinking about women sometimes, and so forth... you're clearly bisexual. If most of that fantasy energy goes toward guys... well, it might be time to think about what that means. As I said, it's not important to anyone but you, but owning your true feelings can sometimes be helpful in coming to accept who you truly are. I hope you'll stick around and share conversation and thoughts and such with the community here. It's a great place, and everyone learns from each other, so there's plenty to contribute and to take away.
Well, let me first and foremost start with a Welcome to EC! :smilewave:! I don't really think what you feel with that guy is artificial. If nothing else, you established that being with a guy without being in love with him is already a pretty overwhelming feeling. Which stands to reason. You mention your desire for guys being stronger than the ones you have for girls, so it's logical the satisfaction you get from indulging in them is stronger too. Now imagine how nice it might be if there is the added element of love. You don't have to take that as a "forget about girls!". There's no real need to rush. Still, it's a good datapoint. No one ever needs to close doors on anything. I consider myself really quite on the gayer side, but I wouldn't reject the idea of a girlfriend out of principle. It's just a fact that until now what I felt about guys has always been stronger, and I'm not just going to "settle" with a girl because it's societally more expected. So no need to cllose doors, but don't settle for second best either if guys turn out to work better for you. It's worth noting that there's this misconception I often see about coming out: that it needs to be a big event and that after the first one, you have to work through the rest of your friends, family and colleagues methodically to ensure you're out to each and every one of them. That couldn't be farther from the truth. It's perfectly possible to be out in some areas and not others. If you're out to friends, there's no need you should come out at work or with family or to the general population on campus. It's even pretty well possible to be out to some friends and not others (depending on how tight-knit your group of friends is). For example: while I'm pretty out to most friends, at work there's only three or so colleagues who know. And that's perfectly how it suits me. Before that, I had no problems being out to my inner circle of friends, and not to the "regular acquaintance" kind of friends. Being outed is a risk, but if you chose the first ones wisely (i.e. the ones you can be sure o be accepting and trustworthy), it's perfectly possible to come out at your own pace. In any case, even if that's work in progress, we're always here to talk, so don't hesitate to keep posting and reading!
