Hello, my name is melli and it´s my first post here. I saw you have some posts about OCD and because of the fact that I have OCD and don´t know any homosexual or bisexual people personally that I can talk to, I decided to post here and I hope that´s ok and doesn´t matter. I have an important question about sexual orientation that probably can be answered best by the bisexual people here but also any answers from the homosexual ones could be a help and are appreciated. I am 28 years old and I have OCD since childhood.I´ve been diagnosed with OCD and on medication.I have had many different OCD obsessions in the past.After several years without or not much OCD problems my OCD started again in last summer.It started with one obsession and after a while it changed to the next obsession etc.Than suddenly the fourth obsession was "What if I am bisexual?".This obsession popped up in my head directly from nowhere as the obsessions before as well.Until this moment I never had thought about bisexuality.so because of this obsession I am now a bit confused. My whole life since I can remember I have always and clearly been attracted to men.First time that I noticed guys was at the age of 10.At the age of 12 I can remember I was fascinated for several days about the well trained body of a men I saw on TV and I thought "When I am older I have to be good looking and well trained too, to get such a great boyfriend." Ever since then I was exclusively interessted and wanted boys.I had pictures of guys I was attracted to on the wall in my room and i had my first boyfriend at the age of 16.Since then I had several boyfirends/relationships up to today.My whole past I was only interessted in men, I always had - and still have - "that natural desire" towards men, looked and searched for men as partner and was always very in love with my boyfriends both emotionally and sexually.So until this obsession came up last summer I was always very happy with men and only cared for men.In times without partner, I only thought and dreamed of men and I always saw my self togehter with a men.My whole life I had never any interests for women or thought of women.Women have always been friends, so towards women I only ever felt friendly or I disliked some of them. So I never cared about women, I just liked them in the friendly way and enjoyed the friendship towards my female friends. So my problem is this obsession scares me a lot because I never thought of women on my free will.I know that all OCD obsessions cause anxiety and are tricky and this bisexual-obsession lead to great anxiety in me because it constantly sends me doubts about my straight orientation with thoughts like "How do you know for sure that you are straight and not bisexual?".This obsession goes on and on in my head the whole day since 4 months and now I am afraid of talking to any women because of the obsession in my head.So as OCD sufferer it could be HOCD but than my obsessions say "How do you know that it is HOCD and not "denial"?" But the fact is that I never questioned my sexual orientation "on my own will" and I never even thought about this.And the thought of women feels wrong and alien to me, maybe that´s the reason I never thought of this before? I now did the Kinsey test and I scored 0 and that fits to my opinion/experience but again my obsession says "How do you know for sure?" At least I have 3 further facts that I guess could be important in this case: One fact is that I never, really never missed anything when I was with a men in the contrary it always felt natural and I felt compleet. Second is, I remember a year ago one of my female friends asked me "Would you kiss a girl/women?" and I said "No, I´m not interested" and didn´t think about it any further. Third fact is a very personal but perhaps the most important one according to my obsession: As I told before, when I dreamed/fantasized in the past it has always been about a men.In most cases one man.And when I fantasized a bit further I sometimes thought of me together with two men and even three men.And I imagined or thought about how this would be with a black male. So this whole obsession thing caused me some questions I would like to ask people who are bisexual/homosexual : 1)Do you think this sounds bisexual or like a case of denial or is it just my OCD/HOCD scaring me again? 2)By which or how can I know if I am bisexual or not? 3)How did you know that you are bisexual/homosexual? 4)When (age) did you know that you were bisexual/homosexual? 5)Do you feel sexual and emotional desire for both and is it the same feeling for men and women? 6)Do you have the feeling of "a natural drive towards both sexes"? 7)When you recognized your desire towards one sex did you recognized your desire towards the other sex at the same or nearly at the same time? Or have there 15 years between? 8)Am I right that you fantasize about both sexes on your own will and not because of obsessions and that you enjoy it? 9)Can you be bisexual when you always felt compleet with one sex and never missed anything? 10)If I were actually bisexual, wouldn´t I have recognized it a little bit earlier? 11)If I were actually bisexual, wouldn´t I have fantasized about a woman yet or of me together with a men and a woman instead of me with two or three man? 12)Can you be bisexual when you always felt "sexual" for only one sex and just friendly to the other sex? 13)If I were bisexual, must I not have "this natural drive or desire" towards women,too? 14)Did you ever have fear of beeing attracted to both sexes? Excuse me for the long text and so many questions! But for me it´s very difficult to figure out if it is just another OCD obsession or real. Maybe someone would help me with this problem.I would be very thankful for your answers.
Hi Mellli and welcome to EC. I think from what you have said that you are straight. If you were bi or gay like myself it would be something that your OCD wouldn't have to make you think about. When I was 14 years old I started to look at guys. But I live in the south so sadly I thought that it was wrong and force myself to look at girls. Many times a year I would have to push the thoughts of guys out of my head. I would force myself to find girls attractive and go out with then. Since I was 14 I knew I was gay I just never let myself admit it or was ok with it but that was years ago. If you were bi I have a very good feeling that you would have know by now or at least tried to push the thoughts out of your head. But I have to say I was not there through all of your life so I can only say what I think here. I hope this helps you out in some way and I hope for the best for you.
Thank you very much Hidinginalabama for your answer! I really needed an answer/opinion from a person who is bi/homosexual and could help me with my thoughts.So again thank you! Excuse me that I wrote so much!But I thought it is necessary to explain my actual situation and my past a bit in detail to make it easier to judge and to be able to answer my question. I hope that does´t matter! Maybe there are some bisexual people who would give me there opinion, too. It would be a help for me, if - I don´t know how to say it in another way - some persons who are "experienced/at home at the bisexual orientation" would give me there opinion or there story. I would be very thankful for your replies!
As another OCD sufferer, I'm trying to stay away from this site myself. Your post, however, screams OCD rather loudly. I do a lot of the same things you do, except I'm afraid of falling for a man. That said, reassurance is a bad thing for these types of themes. Are you seeing anyone about this?
Hi Melli, and welcome to EC. I have struggled with OCD for most of my life, and I'm also a person who can be attracted to both genders. So I'll try to give you my perspective on your issue. Some of the questions you've asked won't really help you clarify whether you're genuinely bisexual. That's because people have such a wide variety of experiences - some are equally attracted to both genders and always have been, some are more attracted to one than the other, some don't realize they're bisexual until later in life. Some people even feel exclusively attracted to the opposite sex except for one person who is their "exception". So there's no clear way, based on these types of questions, to identify one pattern of experiences that can tell you whether you're bisexual or not. However, I can tell you this much: never in all of my encounters with queer people have I come across anyone whose first experience of being queer was that the idea randomly popped into their head one day, with no prior experience or inkling to explain it. There may be exceptions out there, but I'd say that in the vast, vast majority of cases, people realize they're queer because they experience some kind of attraction to the same sex. So, logically, given that OCD is characterized by unwanted obsessions and that you have never experienced actual attraction to the same sex, it seems very unlikely that you are genuinely bisexual. Now, here's something for you to think about. OCD obsessions usually revolve around ideas that are unpleasant, that cause fear or discomfort. Maybe instead of trying to determine whether you are bisexual, you should examine why the idea of being so makes you so fearful or uncomfortable. Would it be such a terrible thing if you did happen to become attracted to someone of the same sex? Of course, it's an idea that a lot of people still reject in our society, but if you can work through your own feelings on the subject and overcome your fear of the idea, maybe the obsessions will go away.
I can understand why you'd think this, and even many experts originally believed this was the reason OCD latched onto sexuality. Truth be told, in many instances, I wouldn't be surprised if this did have something to do with it. The problem is that this theme doesn't just hit straight people. Gays and bisexuals who get hit with this become terrified of being straight. In my personal experience, trying to find out why a theme bothers you just makes it worse. In the case of this theme, it just became a new area to ruminate about. I figured if I could figure out why I was afraid of being gay, then I could handle the idea of being gay no matter what my sexual orientation was. It just became the new "key" which would unlock this riddle and allow me to escape. It didn't work. Besides, as you've no doubt experienced yourself, getting over one theme without dealing with the condition itself just causes it to shift fears. The OP will sadly be struck with someone else once this is over with. The only real way to deal with this is the way to deal with all OCD themes: Accept that your fear could be true, learn to live with that possibility, but only pay attention to it if it ever should come to pass. It's hard, and even with medication it's a struggle, but it ultimately is the only way.
Hello, thank you very much for your answers/help ImNuts and Chandra! Oh, it´s a long text but there are just a few questions at the end of the text. What I wanted to add is that my obsessions started last summer suddenly from one day to the other and I don´t know why they came up.As I told before there were three other obsessions before (fear of losing sth. really important,fear of harming sb. against my will, fear of accidents) and from one second to the other the obsessions switched into "What if I am bi?". All the obsessions plagued me the whole day 7 days a week,caused massive anxiety, were definitely unwanted and really distressing! What I can say about the "bi obsession" is that it came up from nowhere, I don´t know why and my anxiety about these thoughts is definitely not about consequences or reactions from family, friends and society etc. my anxiety is about the obsession itself because before the OCD started again, I never could imagine to question my straight orientation because there is no reason to do and I don´t want to.And I still not want to question it because I like my orientation and I don´t want to change anything with it and I feel because of this obsession, I am afraid of loosing my natural orientation. In fact without this obsession I would never had thought about my orientation!Never!!! I can definitely understand the gay/bisexual people with OCD who suddenly are plagued with the obsession "They could be straight or only attracted to one sex" because it´s the fear of beeing forced into an orientation that isn´t yours and which you don´t want. I read the post of a gay male with fear of being straight.He said he always knew that he is gay, he has been his whole past, always was attracted to men and always enjoyed being in relationships with men.He has OCD and one day suddenly the thought popped up in his head "You could be straight" or "Maybe you din´t notice that you are straight" and this scared him very much.He said "I know I am gay, I always knew and I don´t want to change it but my mind constandly tells me "You could be straight" and this causes anxiety in him. He got a reply from a bisexual female with OCD and she said, when she was in a relationship with a men she was obsessed with the fear she is actually a lesbian for over one year and two years later when she was with a female her OCD constanly told her that she is straight which caused again anxiety, but now she laughs about it because she knows that these are stupid obsessions of her OCD. Some things I would like to aks you: I mean if you are straight you notice that you are. And I thought if you are gay/bisexual it´s the same, you notice that. Or did you have to "search" for your orientation deep inside you without knowing? I didn´t search for my attraction to men, it came up some day and since then it´s simply there. My OCD is telling me "Maybe you didn´t notice that" or "What if it is denial" or "repressing sth." etc. But I mean, I noticed the attraction to boys/men at the age of 10-12 and always notice this until today.So if there would be any attraction for females, I guess I must have noticed this aswell.Why didn´t I notice something? And I think if you are in "denial" this includes that you know you denial sth. So in my case this would mean that I had been attractad to women in the past and didn´t say or accept that.But in the contrary, I never had any attraction to women in the past, I never noticed that, and I can remember that I found the female body not very interesting even "boring". Can you be in denial without knowing you are in denial??? I remember that since youth when I was looking through catalogues with swimmind wear I always noticed my attraction to the male models whereas the female models didn´t interest me. All i was interested in were the bikinis, the form, the color,the pattern, the size etc. and all I thought about were the bikinis and which one I wanted to buy. The female bodies didn´t interest me, I only compared their figure, weight etc. to mine to see if my body is "good enough or ready" for the beach. Important question of me is, if I were bisexual then I must have noticed the attraction to the female models aswell? Can you be bisesxual and don´t notice the attraction/interest to the same sex bodies when you look at women in bikinis? Oh, and in locker rooms I never looked or was interested in the other female persons. All I noticed when someone got dressed near me was that she had cellulite and then I thought "Go on with training to not get cellulite". And "repressing" would mean I actively repress sth. and I would also know that. So I tried to repress my attraction to men when looking at attractive males.And I noticed that I can´t repress my attraction to males, that simply doesn´t work, it´s impossible.If I want to or not I notice my attraction to men "automatically". So I think if I were attracted to females, it would also be impossible to repress or not notice that.When I look at attractive women that says me nothing, there´s only a friendly feeling. I think just because of the OCD obsession I am know searching and searching and searching, but I don´t know what I am searching and I don´t find anything. I think just because of this obsession, I search for something that isn´t there, just because of the fear there could be something. One last thing I would like to ask you: The people who get divorced and leave there family because they allegedly "realize" at the age of 45 that they are homosexual/bisexual. Do you really belief that this person realizes this as late as this or do you think this person knew that he/she is homosexual/bisexual since youth/adolescence but didn´t admit it.So this is a case of "denial" or not? Replies or help would be very appreciated! Just want to add: Like people here answer and try to help people who suffer from OCD and are suddenly plagued with obsessive thoughts concerning their orientation, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for your help!!! I read many post of gay/bisexual OCD sufferers who are afraid of being straight/beeing only attracted to one sex because of obsessive OCD thoughts and I read many replies from straight OCD people who tried to help waswell and I think this is a "good sign" that we help each other!
Some people do have to search deep down inside to come up with answers about their orientation, and sometimes this doesn't happen until they're in their 40s or even later. But the difference between them and you is that the answers they come up with indicate that yes, there is some attraction to the same sex, yes they have noticed attractive bodies of the same sex, yes they acknowledge that they have been denying and repressing certain feelings for a long time. In your case, the answer to all of these questions appears to be no. So again, it is very unlikely that you are bisexual. Thanks for your perspective. I can't say that I've experienced what you describe, because my obsessions have always unwaveringly revolved around one very specific theme (people I care about dying in an accident). But I agree that getting over the condition itself is more important than dealing with particular themes.
