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My story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jadee, Jan 7, 2012.

  1. Jadee

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    Felt like writing this out here and seeing what any of you have to say. I'm very tired as I type this but whatever. Also warning, it might be really long.

    It all goes back to a memory of my 3rd summer at overnight camp when I was 11 (I'm 20 now). It might have actually been the year before that, I can't remember. The memory is foggy but I distinctly remember thinking that I was gay and being filled with extreme despair. I thought to myself how unfair it was, how I could never reveal it to anyone, and that everyone would judge me for it and never look at me the same way. I obsessed over the odds of it happening to me. It was probably on my mind constantly although it was a long time ago so it is hard to remember it.

    I also think I remember systematically reprogramming myself to repress and deny these feelings and create within myself an acceptable personality. The funny thing is, I only recently began thinking of this memory as a real experience in my life again.

    Also, a little unrelated but I remember at around the same time on family vacations displaying a lot of overly flamboyant gay male behavior. Like talking in a high pitched voice and flapping my arms and saying gay things. It was like my hidden forbidden sexuality exploding out in bursts? I pose this as a question because I am confused myself.

    Anyway, after all this as the years went by I never considered myself gay. At least not on the surface. I thought I was attracted to girls. But I always felt weird around them and never got intimate with any. I am a virgin by the way. Also, I never had many friends but all my friends were guys and I had a few relationships with guys that were unusually close. I suspect that my best friend from high school was and is gay. But he'll never admit it to himself because he is overly OVERLY christian.

    So as I became a teenager I became more and more nervous, anxious, and depressed. Despite being very smart and musically talented I hated myself. I thought I was ugly and obsessed over things all the time about myself and others. The only solace I found was in my addiction to computer games and video games. I played them every chance I could get and they were my world.

    The summer before college I went on a trip to a foreign country with a youth orchestra I was in. I was feeling different because I was in a new place. I always thought I wanted a girlfriend and to have sex with a girl and I had always masturbated to straight porn but I don't know exactly what I thought when I did. Anyway, during the trip I for the first time in my life actively flirted with a girl. At the end of the trip she told me she liked me and wanted to be my girlfriend. I said yes to her proposal but immediately felt very wrong. I can't describe how I felt. Honestly, I believe I am so detached from myself that over the years I haven't even been feeling my emotions and therefore cannot describe them.

    So a couple says later I told her it couldn't work and I "broke up" with her before anything came of it.

    So then I went to college and my first year I spent all my spare time in front of the computer playing video games or online poker. It was a depressing lifestyle but that's what i did. All I wanted to do was escape from reality and create my own reality (which was in fact fantasy). Then the year ended and the next summer rolled around.

    Now, unbenounced to me my brother was a small time pot dealer, and the stuff he sold was high grade California medical marijuana. And this stuff is beyond "weed." So one week my parents went on vacation and he came to our house and invited friends over to smoke weed. I joined in and I was instantly hooked. I had barely smoked before but I now felt like this was my calling. It opened doors in my mind and I finally felt free and actually happy for the first time since I could ever remember.

    I remember one of the first times I got really high I told my friends I was gay. But I didn't think anything of it and took it back after I said it. Also, when I was high i would talk in female voices a lot. But after almost 2 months of smoking weed everyday my highs got panicky and eventually I had a major panic attack while high by myself. I thought I was dying and then later thought I was going insane. All my highs after this were like this but I kept smoking weed everyday for over a year longer! I was chasing my old high because it was the only way I knew to obtain happiness.

    Well, a little over six weeks ago i finally quit weed. I had done some harder drugs leading up to this, but none of them habitually besides marijuana. Leading up to me quitting I had been getting high and having strange sexual fantasies. These were getting more and more confusing and I was not able to integrate them into my personality. I eventually had a depersonalization episode and my living existence became a constant hell. That's what made me quit. During this period of depersonalization, which I'm still in some way going through now, I feared I was going crazy or had triggered schizophrenia.

    I have been recovering now, and everyday I write down my thoughts and past experiences. One day I literally sat in front of a mirror and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life telling myself I was sorry to myself for hating myself all these years. For running away from myself, torturing myself, and abusing myself and my potential. I had a verbally abusive, unpredictable father who never considered my feelings and that has contributed to my problems a lot too. I have a lot of repressed anger as well that I think is related to that.

    But recently I have been, what I think is, coming to terms with my gay feelings and "hidden" sexuality and personality that I have so long not consciously experienced. As I type this, part of me is telling me that I am insane and schizo and this is just part of me being crazy and that I screwed up my brain with drugs. Another part of me is saying it is a baseless obsession (I have a lot of those). But I have been indulging in homosexual fantasies and they have been real. And when I do, I think it is making me feel better. I can't believe I'm gay (or whatever I am I'm not sure yet) because for the longest time I just thought I was straight.

    It's funny I am constantly afraid that the feelings aren't real but that's probably a defense mechanism. And now that defense is finally breaking down and I am coming to terms with who I am...I hope.
     
  2. Maialuna

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    First of all, I'm sorry for what you had to go through for so long.

    I'm glad that you're starting to pull out of this rut of self hatred and denial. But it won't be easy to come out of it completely. Anytime you feel yourself falling back in, think about how you have been and how you want to be. Remind yourself that you have been getting better, and you can keep getting better. I would recommend talking to someone who knows you really well whenever you're feeling down. I think writing this was a good idea, it often makes things better to put your feelings out into the world.

    I hope that you continue accepting yourself more, and I'm sure you will. I'm only 14, so sorry if this wasn't very helpful. But I can empathize with you without going through much like this myself.
     
  3. Artemicion

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    I have to say, keep writing! Well, in your log or whatever you keep your writing in. You can post on here if you like as well.

    I know the feeling where you just immerse yourself in video games and just escape from reality. I've done that and also with books as well. Only to realise reality comes back smacking you in the face when you leave that fantasy world.

    I've never done any form of drugs before, but I have to say getting yourself out of that cycle is a great achievement. Plus, I doubt you're insane or have schizophrenia. Your writing so far has been excellent, which to me is saying your mind is in the right track.

    As for your feelings, sexuality and personality, all I can say is, explore yourself. Don't deny your chance to do things due to social stigma. Keep an open mind and most of all, keep it in your own comfort zone. Also, there is no need to rush. When you feel you're good, take another step and you might be surprised to discover more about yourself. Anyways, it can be hard to sort out your own feelings to what society currently dictates, all I can say is, keep true to yourself.

    Feel free to leave me a message on my wall if you like.