Hey guys. *To update everyone my boyfriend is 18 senior in high school. *I'm 24 we have been dating for 4 months. *I am his longest relationship, and are each others first boyfriend. *We both lead two different lives when not with each other, we are both very straight acting. *We progressed very quickly in our relationship, saying I love you fast, slept together pretty quick, but only get to see each other once or twice a week. *I love him, I know it, I could go on defending how I know I am in LOVE but that's for another post, just believe me he is my love, and the only person I want forever. * Here's the problem, *he won't open up to me on an emotional level. *He will always say I love you. *But when it comes to deep emotions etc it's like talking to a brick wall. *It makes me question if he loves me. *He says he never wants to break up, he wants to spend his life with me. *But yet he can't express these things out loud. *I know his mom and dad are split up so I kind of feel like that has developed his idea of relationships. He won't talk to me about being gay, but says hes fine with liking guys, and knows what he wants. *The thing is I'm a person who lived to 24 thinking these feelings would go away and that it was just a block from a sexual experience I encountered at a very young age again topic for another post. *After being with him I know what REAL love is and who I want to spend my life with. *But I have had such a hard time accepting that, I have needed his support but can't get it.* *When we are together it's dynamite, but he can still have an occasional moment where it's like he's putting up a wall. *I don't want to question his love but how can I help move our relationship forward. * He does little things every now and then to show me he loves me, and it's not all about sex. I just have a hard time staying motivated feeling like he will never change and never want to open up to me or feel closer to me. *I feel like I need that. *How do I help myself relax about the situation I don't want to push him away. * Any advice or questions would be greatly appreciated.
Hi, and welcome to EC. From my viewpoint, there a whole bunch of complicating factors on both sides that make this relationship difficult. First, both of you being closeted most certainly enters into it. There's an old saying in psychology that you can't really love anyone else fully until you love yourself fully. And you can't love yourself fully when you're closeted... because, by being closeted, you're in effect saying "I'm afraid to be who I am" or "People will judge me and might not love me" or any of a dozen other things, all of which translate to, at some level, a self-esteem issue. So that, for both of you, has an effect on how emotionally intimate your relationship can be. Secondly, while you have some similarities -- both being closeted, both recently coming to terms with being gay -- you're also in *very* different places in life. He is either just graduating or just graduated high school, you're presumably out of college or have been in the workforce for 6 years. And that 6 years equates to 1/3 of his life. I'm not saying the relationship can't work, but part of what you're experiencing is exactly what makes relationships with this amount of difference in age at these ages such a challenge... he is barely an adult, and hasn't had the experience you've had in dealing with the feelings and even in dealing, conceptually, with the idea of what a relationship is for as long as you have. Then, as far as the specifics of his inability or unwillingness to open up emotionally, I'd say that it is first probably tied to not being fully comfortable with being gay (regardless of his protests to the contrary), and not being out, but may also be impacted in part by what he saw in his parents' relationship, and whatever impact the breakup may have had on him (it can affect adolescents and early teens very strongly.) So this is something that's going to require a lot of patience. One of the basic rules of relationships is one should never enter into one expecting the other person to change; that's usually a recipe for failure. So perhaps one of the questions to think about is "How happy would I be if this relationship never changes in terms of our emotional intimacy". If the honest answer is that you could be ok with that... then great. If you'd find that difficult, then you have to really think about it because it's likely to take a pretty long time for him to get to the point of being able to be really open, and likely will require some therapy. I don't mean to be a downer here, and I'm really not trying to suggest that it can't work, only that it will take a lot of patience on your side, and a lot of work on his side (which he may or may not be ready to tackle) to get to where you want him to be. I hope that helps.
^ Chip is amazing. I'm only 16 ! i really don't have advices for you all i can wish you is Good Luck for you and your boyfriend!
hey man, Just wanted to say that I can totally relate to your situation. I am 20 and my "boyfriend" is 28. We met 2 months ago, and we are both completely closeted and super straight acting as well. I put "boyfriend" in quotes because neither of us have actually used that term before. I feel pretty uncomfortable even writing it. This and the L bomb are something that I am not totally ready to talk about (especially in person) with him. I think this is because I am still struggling to completely accept the fact that this is who I am. We are also each others first boyfriends. If I were you I would not think too much into why he may act a little reserved at times around you. Just try to enjoy your time with him. We also moved fast with our relationship, taking it from just sex, to something more. Moving fast in our relationship has been awesome, and I know that I really like him a lot. I also know that I want to spend time with him every chance I get, but it is just easier for me (and him) to not talk about certain things yet. It makes our relationship even stronger that neither of us have forced anything. So yeah, I would say just go with things for now, and try to have a good time instead of worrying. Anyways, just thought I should let you know you are not alone.
Chip...do you give lectures? I'd pay to hear you talk. Chip has a lot of good points... one of the bigger one I see is the age gap. While it is relatively small in the adult world, it isn't when we consider the actual age of OP's bf. At 18, it was hard for me to be content with anything. I was drowning myself in loads of denials. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it is possible. I guess what I'm saying is that it might be best not to have too much expectations and take what comes. OP, if you truly love your bf stay with him...no reason to change a thing. However, if you want him to change, then it is possible that the love you have for him has become something else. I, more than many people, would give a limb or two if I could get to have a relationship while still in the closet. It's one of those things that give so much meanings to a relationship. Anyways, I hope you work things out...be patient but don't stick with things that make you unhappy.
Hey guys. Just an update I slept over last night, and we had a blast. I definitely think I just need to chill. I for 24 years had a few long term relationships wIth girls, and obviously I wasn't happy and they weren't real relationships so now that I am in a real relationship that I would do anything to never lose. It makes me crazy. I want to spend every minute with him, but his friends and social life are still a big part of his life, I just get worried that when we spend time apart that we will grow apart from me or find someone else. I have to just trust that he loves me when he says it and enjoy every minute we spend together. Not to mention that this is so new for him I need to make sure I'm not too overbearing. A couple of his friends that are girls know about us they saw some texts we sent each other. And it's a sensitive situation for him lots of straight masc friends as we live in Texas so we have to keep our relationship secret. It just sucks because If I could get over having to always see him everything would be great.
Wow, I feel like I can relate really well to the guy you are in a relationship with. I also have a bunch of straight masc friends so it is tough for me to ever hang out with my guy around them (mostly because of the age difference). It would just be fishy to everyone. I want to hang out with him, but I also can't risk anyone questioning how we met, or anything like that. As for some people seeing texts, I have my guy listed as a girls name in my phone. So does he. It actually came in handy for him one time one of his buddies looked at his phone. Just a suggestion. Yeah, keeping our relationship a secret has also been a struggle. I want to spend time with him and my friends at the same time, but unfortunately this is just not plausible while closeted. I have been thinking of introducing him as just a friend. But I am afraid that people might think it is strange to have a good friend who is 8 years older than me. Again, maybe this can help you see where he is coming from as the younger one in a relationship such as yours.
Alex1170 I can agree where you are coming from. I feel awkward around his friends the few times I have been and we have to keep up lies about we know each other, and crap. So it is probably for the best. Just sucks when you are 4 months in a relationship and are still at thy I want to spend every minute with you phase. . I have realized though the chiller I am about it the chiller he is about it. Its just a lot to trust someone with all of your heart when you barely get to see each other. Though I'll admit when we are together it's amazing, for instance last night after messing around before going to sleep we were just laying down talking to each other and joking with each other, and I just want to live in that moment so much it is literally making me tear up right now. I am not a dude that cries much but I am so emotionally wrapped up in this relationship. I need to learn to live in the moment not the future but I can't stop thinking about not wanting to ever lose him.
Yeah, I know exactly what you are talking about. I still am in the phase where I just want to spend time with him. However, I also do not want to compromise my friendships. If your boyfriend is anything like me, he just figures that you understand that he wants to be with you all of the time, but that this is just not plausible sometimes. It is really tough for me finding ways to get away from my friends (and family while I was at home during the holidays) to go see him because they always want to know where I am going. I normally tell them exactly what I do, but I have to lie to them in order to see him as often as I do. Telling lies about where you are night after night gets pretty suspicious, so we rarely see each other day after day. I am pretty sure that he understands that I want to see him all of the time, but I just can't. Maybe your boyfriend thinks the same thing. I have also had the moment of laying there together after having some fun talking and joking around. We both always say that we could just do that forever with each other. I think that one thing that helps our relationship is always texting each other compliments. As difficult as our relationship is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It sounds like you feel the same way. Also, if you ever want to talk about anything, just let me know because it sounds like we are in very similar situations.
Well, just to put it in perspective, I can remember my two firsts. I remember my first girlfriend (I simply knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together...pfft, screw it only being middle school) and I will never forget the the emotional roller coster I was on the first time I ever felt that intense chemistry...that strong emotional attraction and bond...with someone of the same sex. A lot of time has passed since then, but I still remember everything about it...I simply didn't want anyone else...and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. My point is: it seems that you are experiencing something similar...and that's natural really. It's also natural to get a little too wrapped up in it. I have found that when we start in gay relationships later in life (I think you said you were 24) we kinda start over from an emotional level...meaning we have to deal with all those puppy love, awkward feelings and moments that we thought we mastered a long time ago. I mean, I thought I had come a long way since I threw up on my date's shoes at the 6th grade dance....well, it seems I had a little more distance to go when I started dating in the gay world. Honestly, I don't think this will exactly be a long term thing. They hardly ever are. Even though 18 and 24 doesn't seem like too big of a gap...it really kinda is. You have finished the part of your life that he is about to begin. But, I wouldn't dwell on all that. At this point simply have fun with it...don't press things too much...and if it doesn't work out the way that you had hoped, accept it. Accept it and realize that there are a lot of opportunities out there.
