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Needed Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Schlag, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. Schlag

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    I came out to my best friend (Brad) and 2 weeks later (2 days ago) his asking me out on a date. I was shocked to say the least. I mean I haven’t even told my family and I’m not sure I’m ready to start dating. I know it’s a new year and I said would come out of my clam shell and start living life. But I’ve known brad for 10 of my 24 years on this planet. It’s a great friendship and yes I’ve dreamt of me and him together as a couple. I don’t how to react. I’m freaking out.
    We’ve done everything together, travel etc. we go attend the same university. Brad has had real long term relationships and the seemed to be the real deal especially Samantha. I know that I have just had girlfriends for the sake of having a girlfriend and keeping up appearances.
    I told him we can chat first on Monday. I don’t know how to handle this. Any advice?
    :bang:
     
  2. Artemicion

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    Wow, well, first off its 5:41am here, couldn't get back to sleep so...don't know how my brain is functioning.

    My advice is, under no circumstances should you become the 3rd person. If he is asking out for you on a date when he has a girlfriend, I don't think it's a good idea at all. I'm assuming he's in the closet? Or is he bisexual? Regardless, if he has a long term relationship with another girl, he needs to sort his feelings and situation out.

    As for coming out to family, there is no need to rush. For starters any idea how your family members individually feel about LGBT people?
     
  3. Azza

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    If you really like him and want a relationship go for it! :icon_bigg

    However don't feel pressured into it, if you're not ready, you're not ready. Also it depends on what he is doing about is girlfriend and what he wants from you. If you're just going to be a bit on the side I wouldn't suggest it but if he's going to leave her then why not?
     
    #3 Azza, Jan 8, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2012
  4. Danny19

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    "Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's."

    Do what feels right to you. Forget about what anyone else tells you. If you really like your friend like that then why not take a chance? maybe it will encourage you to come out sooner. However if you dont feel comfortable going out with him then dont. No one else knows how you feel except you. So do what your instincts tell you. I hope it goes well with whatever you choose.
     
  5. thevedman

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    I think Danny19 is completely right. Just take things slow and talk things through with him. Good luck man!
     
  6. Chip

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    Tread carefully if he's still with his girlfriend. I don't feel quite as strongly as ThinksTooMuch, because you've been best friends for a very long time. But be supportive, explore your feelings and his feelings, and spend time understanding each other's feelings.

    Then, if he feels like this is what he wants, he needs to tell his girlfriend and let that go. I do agree with ThinksTooMuch that it would be wrong to allow anything romantic to develop if he's still in a relationship with her.

    This could be a great opportunity for the both of you. You don't have to run screaming out of the closet together but you can both talk about your feelings, and work together on what it means to come out.

    Please update us when you know more :slight_smile:
     
  7. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    If he's got a girlfriend, then I'd definitely suggest saying no. You can even frame your answer in that way - "I don't think I'd feel comfortable dating a guy who had a girlfriend." If he pushes along that route - suggesting that the girl "doesn't mean anything" - hold firm. Repeat your previous answer. :slight_smile:

    If he doesn't have a girlfriend, have a long talk with him. Let him know you're interested, and (if you'd like) even fantasized about it. But tell him how concerned you are about possibly ruining your friendship. And as Chip suggested, feel free to start discussing your sexualities with each other. You at least have that now. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. Ianthe

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    I didn't get the impression from your post that the guy was still with his girlfriend. I thought you were just saying that he's had relationships with girls, in the past, that seemed very serious to you, and never shown an interest in guys, and you are therefore surprised that he likes you like that.

    Based on that reading of your post, and especially the fact that you like him, a lot, I think that you should definitely agree to a date. You might want to discuss with him how he feels regarding his sexuality, and what he's looking for with you. How does he want this to go? Does he want anyone else to know about it? Everyone, or just some people? This conversation could happen before or during your date.

    Since you clearly really like him, definitely make sure he doesn't think you just aren't interested. Be clear that you are attracted to him, even if you have some reservations about the two of you dating.

    Some reservations might include:

    You don't want to spoil the friendship, which you are worried will happen especially if he is just questioning his sexuality, and turns out to be straight.

    One of you wants to be more open to other people about the two of you dating, while the other wants to be more closeted, at least for now.

    If it's applicable, him having a girlfriend would be something to have reservations about, too.

    Keep in mind, he's just asked you on a date. You can agree to the date without necessarily agreeing to be in a relationship.

    He's showing interest, very deliberately. And he asked you on a real date, and not just for sexual favors or something. So, I would assume that he is genuinely interested, and not just in fooling around.

    It sounds like he knows what he wants, and the fact that he's had long-term relationships in the past means that he is probably good at them. So it's likely he'd be a good boyfriend. However he really felt about the girls, he has relationship skills that he developed in his relationships with them.

    And it's entirely possible that he is bisexual, and both his feelings for the girls and his feelings for you are genuine.

    I think your biggest problem here is that this situation seems too good to be true, and you are just having some difficulty believing that you could be this lucky. I mean, it sounds like a fantasy scenario, your straight friend you've always had feelings for asking you out after you come out to him.

    Why run from good fortune? If in talking to him, you find that you both want the same thing, I think you should go for it.
     
  9. Schlag

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    Guys thanks for all the advice, last night Brad and myself had a real long chat, and we've come to what i think is a great out come and thats to remain as friends. i had to fight my implusive-self. but you guys were right.
    Its all thanks to you guys.