Ok guys, I don't know if anyone remembers me well I have potentially found a good friend of mine whos a girl, and I think we might be thinking about dating. Now this is gonna sound so confusing, But i have a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which can really screw with some peoples lives and hurt others, thats why i am not trying to hook up with anyone. I been taking medication starting last week, and its helping alot, but those people of my past get hurt because it was not the true me. To make the long story short, I hooked up with someone on here that I thought I really cared for, a guy. However, i fucked up real time, and I had to break up with him, because I was starting to become the real me. I just cant be living a lie, its like living in a jail cell, and I care for all i meet. Even if it wouldn't be physical seeing of each other. I am aware of my doings, but until my medication it could not be controlled and had impulses, and it makes believe that I am loyal and want to be someone, but ...... I feel like such a asshole because I do care about this person, almost like a brother and I feel like I put him in such a bad place. I mean because of me, he had to open up to his parents and he broke up with his girlfriend, and now im just dumping him?!?! I feel so bad, and now he doesn't want to talk to me. I just wish he could understand. I mean its this disorder is like being possessed. It can't be visible. I just want him to be safe and not do anything stupid. I told we can be friends, and I mean it. I want to leave a good mark in everyone and have a connection. My heart is that big. I don't know what to do, because I am just freaking out that he could be doing somestuff right now, that he will totally regret. Its almost the unthinkable. Like i freaken need some valium or either a joint!
Since most of the post seems to be focusing on the guy you broke up with, here's some thoughts there. Staying friends is nice, but not everyone can do it, and even when you can it usually takes some time. I can sympathize with the desire to be friendly and have a connection with everyone, but remember to be sympathetic to his feelings too. Whether or not it was due to BPD, he got hurt. He'll be better in time, but for now he may need some space. And part of that is letting him make his own choices about his life at the moment, even if they might be ones that you wouldn't make yourself. As for the girl you've met and are thinking about dating, of course it's up to you to decide what you want to happen there, but it sounds like you're still dealing with a lot of guilt and feelings for your ex as well as just beginning to treat your BPD, and given that combo, I would suggest waiting a little while before you start dating someone, or at least keeping it very casual and slow if you do. The more sure of yourself and confident you are, the better the relationship would go, it seems to me. Plus, you'll have more time to get to know the real you.
If he doesn't want to be friends with me, then I will not force him. He can ignore me forever, I just want to make sure he is ok. And, your right, I should think about his feelings, and I can imagine it hurts alot. BPD is a bitch, and cannot be controlled. He was one of my victims. If it wasn't for my new treatment, I couldn't or wouldn't be in this world because it hurts to many people. I just hope he will be fine. The girl I met was actually a long time friend, and has been there for me, even though I put her through hell. As a friend, she would know how to control me. With treatment, she started to see the real side of me, and me and her love each other. I loved her for years, but its like I was trapped inside my body, thinking that the real me is in a jail cell in my eyes, and I just viewed everything that my "Characters" were doing. Its like being possessed. I was aware of my doings, but in no control. She is the one, and i think she has accepted me.
Well, its up to you, of course. If you want to date her, go ahead. If you don't think its right for now, don't.
