13 Things I Hate About Being Gay

Hey, I know what you mean, and sometimes I think I should just grit my teeth and try to find a nice guy. But most of the time I really feel okay with myself, even though I'm barely out.
1. I am the only LGBT person at my high school. At least, nobody's out.
2. The girl I was experimenting with decided she was straight.
3. My nine year old sister occasionally makes homophobic comments, and my parents don't correct her.
I know, it's a comparitively shorter list, but I identify with a lot of the items you have there.

 

(*hug*) I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

I wanted to point out, none of those things are actually about being gay. Some of them are about being in the closet, and the rest are about being discriminated against. So you don't have to worry about it being homophobic.

Once you are out and you have friends that accept you for who you are, most of those things aren't as hard. (*hug*)

 

Jeez, is that hard to be gay?

 

No, I didn't mean to scare anyone off or anything. I mean, the closet isn't a lot of fun, but I'm assuming it gets better. My main reason to complain is that my girlfriend recently broke up with me. But getting dumped always sucks, and it could happen no matter who you were dating. So like Ianthe said, these aren't really problems with homosexuality, they're problems with our individual lives.

Also, I'm a fan of your username and signature.

 

Thx EastYear!

It's just that I'm falling for someone (a guy) and I'm straight, so I'm confused and nervous about it. I have received some advices already here in this website 'cuz a friend told me that people around here would help me with my situation, and it's true. But I'm seeing how people live in that world.

 

I can't say I'm very experienced with gay relationships, because started out before either of us were out, as just experimenting. And she was my first. But I guess the same advice applies to relationships in general. Just take it slow, I suppose. But you've probably gotten lots of similar advice from the others here. Welcome to EC, anyway.

 

I don't know if I love him it's just that I'm confused.

 

Its not anything that you have to figure out right away. Love is complicated and it's not something that will be fast to figure out. I'd say not to worry about it right now. If you decide you love him, you'll know.

 

Haha, thank you. I've never heard that before.

Also, Earendil, one of the quotes that helped me out when I was coming out to myself was "People aren't homosexual or heterosexual. People are just sexual and the prefix doesn't mean anything." I believe I heard that attributed to Morrisey. Anyway, hope that helps.

 

Well for me 1-3, 5, 7,9,10, and 12 sometime, don't apply to me but number 4 is probably a big one for closeted folks, including you and i, and 13 I kinda go with but I actually fit that stereotyoe, I dont see a point in religion, and I hate my family, but i have morals and i put others before myself to a fault, I kinda hope I'm a good person but sometimes I even scare myself. But the religion and family thing isnt because im bi, my family still treats me like crap when I'm not out, no reason for them to stop once I do, if even.

 

Wow, Ben I feel the exact same way that you do now. The church and parents part is what really gets to me the most. I think that if my parents would be ok with it, then I could deal with the rest of it and be fine, but that won't happen...

 

sure i will add in.

1. being lumped into the effeminate category
2. not being able to find normal guys that i am attracted to that are gay. Straights seems to make em better.
3. having to not be honest about my sexually becuase other guys thing it's weak and will try and test you and fight you over it.
4. sitting in my apartment alone every night becuase i can't seem to find anyone compatible
5. when i finally find a guy that it think 'ok, He's gay!!!!" he only wants to f*ck.
6. watching all my friends and family get their own families and marriages and kids nad i'm alone.
7. basically feeling like if you can't beat em join em and screw all the guys you can't while you still look relatively young becuase its not like you're actulay going to be able to meet anyone that wants a relationshp
8. my family distancing theirselves away from me and not hangin out with me because they think im gay because i dont have a girlfriend ever.
9. hiding in gay clubs hoping noone will see me
10. learing that some gossipy gays talk about me behind my back to others when i am not out. that sucks. they are so drama filled, thats why the less gay people i can be around the better.

 

Maybe you should check your self-hating and internalized homophobia. There's a thing in the gay community that we call "self-hating gays", and you sound like one of them. Self-hating gays tend to prefer straight (or straight-looking) men precisely because they're unattainable, since they are, after all, straight and possess classically "male" traits (since "feminine" traits are seen as undesirable). It's what's causing you to make absurd claims like straight men are better than gay men or that masculine men are better than effeminate men--I'm sorry, but what? That's internalized homophobia and self-hate right there.

ETA: Also, I really dislike the implication that many gay men are abnormal. Again--what? Straight men are NOT better than gay men. We may be told by society that straight men are more valuable than gay men, because they useful to society are insofar as the perpetuation of the species goes (which is why heterosexuality is the norm). But being gay does not ever mean you are worth less. It just means you're different, and there's nothing wrong with it, even if society makes us ashamed for it.

 

how come when you are interested in masculine men that behave in traditional masculine ways you are accused of self hating and hating effeminate men. give me a friggin break. i do not hate effeminate men DUDE! i just am not interested in dating them nor appreciate being thrown in people automatically assuming you're effeminate because you're into the same sex. also the person said what do you hate about being gay. and i never said one was better or worse than the other. I only said i did not like being thrown into an effeminate categoryg because i'm not. as far as normal...normal is relative. so normal for me is not normal for you and normal for you is not normal for me. so back off me!!!

 

Whoa, calm down. I'm not attacking you. I'm just calling out on what you yourself wrote, which comes off as very self-hating. That's just how it reads to me, dude.

For example: why do you care that people perceive you as feminine? What's wrong with men displaying feminine traits? Because femininity is seen as lesser than masculinity, since femininity is traditionally associated with weakness and masculinity with strength. Your post implies that you have assimilated these notions of femininity and masculinity and, to me, read as self-hate and internalized homophobia. Why do you care that people perceive you as feminine if you don't have a problem with effeminate men? But hey--if you say you don't hate effeminate men, whatever. It reads like you do from your above post is all.

I dunno what you're going on about in terms of normalcy, tbh. I'm talking about societal norms, not what is normal relative to each individual situation. And you said "not being able to find normal guys that i am attracted to that are gay. Straights seems to make em better"--which, to me, reads like you think gay men are abnormal and that straight men are somehow better. If that's not what you meant, sorry, but it reads that way.

 

ok bro, you win. you're right. i'm wrong. i can't do this. later.

 

Many people here on Empty Closets are struggling to accept their sexuality. They are indeed struggling with internalized homophobia, and a lot of self-hatred. It is extremely painful.

The way to help them is to suggest gently that perhaps they have internalized some of the things society has said about gay people, and really the bad feeling they have that they associate with, for example, feminine men, is really about their own sexuality. And perhaps to repeat, over and over, that feminine guys were born like that, and far from there being anything wrong with them, they are awesome and add something wonderful to the diversity of the world, and especially our community.

"Calling them out" in an accusatory tone only makes them feel worse, when they are already miserable and sometimes even suicidal, and is unlikely to change the way they feel about anything. Instead, they just won't like you.

It is perfectly natural to struggle with internalized homophobia as a gay person in a homophobic society. It's an emotional struggle to help people through, not a crime to accuse them of.

I notice that you are out to only one person. This is presumably because you have some internalized homophobia of your own. Any time any of us feels bad about being gay, it is because of internalized homophobia, which is a kind of self-hatred.

The pejorative use of "self-hating gays" is a kind of name calling. Name calling always makes people feel attacked, as do phrases like "check your self-hating and internalized homophobia."

The problem is less the content of your posts than the tone and confrontational attitude.

But frankly, the thread is titled "13 Things I Hate About Being Gay," and insidehappy was adding a bunch of things he hates about being gay. He hates that he is gay, and yes, that is self-hatred. It is not some kind of revelation to point that out. I'm pretty sure the idea behind posting things you hate about being gay in the support section is so that people can help you feel better about them, not so that people can belligerently point out how self-hating you are.

Empty Closets is meant to be a safe place for people to talk about their feelings about their sexuality and gender--including negative feelings. This includes the feelings of internalized homophobia or transphobia. It is necessary that members feel they can safely express their feelings that, for example, gay men are inferior to straight men in some way, so that the community can help them deal with those feelings. If you "call them out" every time they express those feelings, instead of helping them deal with them, they will no longer feel safe enough for the community to be able to help them.

Internalized homophobia is why they are here.