Hello all! I just registered on this website… came across it in a google search for tips on coming out. Just to introduce myself, I’m an 18 year old college freshman. I started to realize that I wasn’t straight when I was 13 and by age 16, I realized that I’m gay. It took me a while to come out to myself and even longer to come out to anyone else. The first person I came out was a friend who’s also a lesbian. I tend to get nervous with face to face emotional conversations, so I found another way to come out. It was around Christmas time and she had written a “wish list”, consisting of college acceptances, healthier relationships, etc. I wrote one as well and my last item was a girlfriend. The next person I came out to is one of my closest friends (straight male). We mostly talk on Facebook chat, so I told him that way. He said “I know, didn’t you already tell me that?” haha At college, I joined a support and discussion group for gay and bisexual women and it has really confirmed my sexuality for me. I’m completely out at school. Now, I feel like I’m ready to come out at home. My family is really accepting- my brother is gay, as is my aunt and my cousin is currently identifying as pansexual. However, I keep wimping out about telling my mom. My mom and I are really close. One of my problems is that I live in a small area and everyone knows each other. I haven’t come out to my best friend (let’s call her H) yet and it’s tricky because H is really close to her mom, who is close friends with my mom. So I feel like if I come out to H first, she’ll tell her mom who will talk to my mom and vice versa if I come out to my mom first. I’m on winter break for another week and I kind of want to tell my mom before I go back to school. Unfortunately, I won’t get a chance to see H again before I go, so I was thinking I would call H, tell her and then tell my mom soon after. What do you guys think? And any advice would of course be welcome, especially advice about how to actually go through with coming out instead of changing the subject. Thanks
Hi, welcome to Empty Closets! When you decide to come out to your mom or your best friend, just make sure they know you have a plan for telling the other one, and you'd rather she not find out some other way. If you are really worried about it, tell your mom first. Surely your friend will understand that you felt it was more important that your mom hear it from you. Then just make sure to call your friend soon and let her know. But if you can trust your friend, you should be able to ask her not to talk to her mom about it for a little while, to give you a chance to talk to yours. Same goes for your mom, for that matter. If you have a lot of difficulty bringing yourself to actually tell someone, sometimes it's easier in a letter (for mom) or and email or text (for your friend). In the case of a letter, you can even write it and then just give it to her in person, or read it aloud. If you have the letter in your hand, it will be a lot harder to back out. With a text message, you can start with something else, to make sure she's available, and then text something like, "I'm a lesbian and I want to talk to you about it, can we talk?" That way, you aren't avoiding a personal conversation, and you get the main thing out there so that, again, you can't back out. You could use either option for your friend or your mom, but often with are parents we want something a little more formal.
Simple solution to this problem. If you & your mom are really close, then she will respect you. This means that if you ask her to not say anything to anyone else until you are ready for her to say something to others, there is a good chance she will respect your request, especially if you explain your concerns about why you do not want her to say anything to anyone else...
