Hey guys, Was just wondering if anyone else can relate and or give any advice on my situation. A few months ago, I came out to my best friend. Incredibly supportive (more than I ever could have hoped for). One of his points for me was to "be me" and to "let life happen as it should". Ever since I could remember being gay (probably around 12 or 13) I tried my hardest to hide it. It's obviously not the easiest thing to do. My parents vocal homophobic comments always drove me to be as straight acting as I could. I don't mind feminine guys, however sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable around them. I don't know why, but perhaps its those who constantly talk about sexual things. As uncomfortable as I can be when my straight buddies talk sex, when I hear a gay guy talk about it, it actually turns me almost into a prude and it grosses me out. I'm sort of digressing here, but I think it may be to my point... The more I slowly open up to friends and coworkers (soon family), I am finding my self becoming much more feminine in the way I act and now even talk. It may be something I've always meant to do, but hid? I don't even know if that's possible. My friend tells me to just "let it be" however, I honestly don't like it! As much as it's bothered me to hide this "secret" for the past 13 years or so, it bothers me even more that I am going to let go of what's almost been "normal" for me to be something I don't enjoy. I understand that he said this thinking that it would be easier to just accept it and embrace it and move on, but I don't want this change. I don't know if this change is inevitable, I mean I still feel like I try to hide it - I catch my self talking differently to certain people and it sort of makes me laugh inside to know this. Do you think there is some sort of physiological mindset that I can get through/over about this? I don't even know if I'm making any sense, but I hope I am! HEELLPP Thx for reading!
Like everyone's said, let it be. I've tried hard hiding who I am, and there are times when I act differently (the way I should act, if I'm comfortable with them) around friends (people whom I sometimes try to hide my true identity from), and I catch myself doing it, and as weird as it sounds, I love that I'm completely fine with them, and they don't even care. They obviously notice little nuances that make up me, but they're comfortable with it enough to continue to enjoy my company.
I think that you have internalized a lot of the bad things people say about gay people, and so it makes you really uncomfortable. We are always the most uncomfortable with people who have traits that we haven't accepted about ourselves. So, you are uncomfortable when guys talk about sex, because you are uncomfortable with your own desire to be involved in that, and it causes you distress. It's possible you've also been hiding your own femininity, even unconsciously from yourself. If that's the case, it's not at all surprising that you would find it upsetting that those traits are emerging, for the same reasons that you suppressed them in the first place. Gender traits like that are innate, so if they are a part of you, they aren't going to go away. What you should really be mad about, is that you've been so abused by society that you feel like an inherent part of your own nature is unacceptable. Because there is not actually anything wrong with you. All of your feelings are understandable to have in your situation. When you notice that you are behaving in a feminine way and it distresses you, just acknowledge to yourself that you are distressed about it, and that it makes sense that you are, but there is really nothing wrong with allowing yourself to behave naturally. Just accept that that is how you are feeling in that moment. If you fight it, you will make it worse, and if you continue to repress your natural gender expression, that will cause you much worse psychological harm in the long run. If you acknowledge your feelings and recognize that the cause of them is the way that feminine men are treated in society, and not actually something about your feminine traits themselves, your distress will lessen and eventually pass. You might go through a period of being really angry about it at that point. That's also understandable.
this is jsut my own take on things...i think that you are coming out more and you are being more comfortable with yourself and in a way you are challenging those boundaries that mom and dad set up for you......acting masculine. so it's a way for you to defy the norm and in a way, come out even more. if you start using an effeminate affect/accent and mannerism, you are letting people know you are gay without even saying it. you are also trying to identify with a sexual orientation and it sounds as though the way you are doing that is to identify with a "culture". this is a very important distinction to be aware of...one's orientation (gay) does not mean that he/she needs to act like a particular culture associated with that orientation. if indeed you are effeminate acting adn sounding by nature, then that is you and like others have said be you. however, one's voice and accent doesn't just automatically change after 10 years. to me, it sounds as though in an effort to identify and accept being gay, you are also trying to do that by taking on things that you think "are gay" (voice, mannerisms, etc.). you feel free and that's fine and the freeness makes you want to be who you think you really are and show it more. again, if the mannerism and vocal tones you have now adopted are really who you are, thing go for it. however, i suspect you are just grappling to try and find a place and make sense of all of this. my best advice is not to lose yourself into something that you think being gay is. just be you. who are have always been. who you feel comfortable being. the only difference is you are now accepting that you like guys. that doesn't mean anythign about you has to chance unless you want it to.
I couldn't put it any better than the two people who just posted above me. However, I must add that I have struggled with this as well. When I first came out as bisexual, I found that it was extremely liberating. In fact, even my own mother said that she always thought that my low voice sounded forced and unnatural. So one day I tried speaking in a higher register, and it honestly felt so much more comfortable. Whenever I feel really comfortable around people, I use that higher voice, but when I'm surrounded by really masculine men, I find myself slipping into that lower voice. So, you could say that I'm having a battle with myself. But, I'm trying to be "me." I honestly do love scarves, and baking, and Darren Criss, and Glee, and musicals- possibly stereotypical effeminate things. But I also love my Baltimore Ravens football team, and playing soccer, and working out. So of course people get a little thrown off when they see all this and they hear my voice, but I'm just being me the best way I know how. insidehappy is exactly right: don't lose yourself into something that you think being gay is. Just be you. Best advice I could give. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. It really is your life to live, and no one else's.
Hello Toronto, Ontario from a fellow Torontarian; I just joined and just posted myself. I am more confused about my orientation at this point but so much of what you say hits home with me. I have been confused about my true sexuality for years now and I still haven't figured it out. I have a cousin who is gay, out of the closet and has been for a few years now. We grew up together, him being only a few days older than me. When he came out he started this metamorphosis too -- and I hated it. I always felt myself being weirded out and claiming he had to be "faking it" to fit in -- that it was the accepted behavior so he was going with it. Now I am wondering if it was just him coming out naturally. I am also attracted to men, but for some reason I have the same reservations about feminine men and discussing sex with a gay man. I only have one gay friend who knows about my confused status and he is separate from all my other friends (who all know each other). He is feminine and LOVES talking about sex in a graphic, extreme but funny nature. At first I felt myself very put off by it but now I am slowly warming up to it. I feel like maybe I too have repressed some of my natural urges but now I can't really tell what is me and what isn't -- what is natural and what was developed as a front. In any case I haven't even figured out what my exact status is so there is no surprise I can't figure myself out yet. Either way it was inspiring to hear a story that I can relate to. Best of luck bro, I think being yourself and letting what is natural happen probably is the best route to go. Cheers!
