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How do I help a friend find himself?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hidinginalabama, Jan 9, 2012.

  1. Hidinginalabama

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    How do I help on of my friends find himself?

    I was talking with on of my friends last night for hours and some how him being bi came up. He is not out to many people only his twin and three other people. Sadly he didnt even want any one to find out. He knows he's not bi but he just cant admit the fact that he is gay not even to himself. His brother is gay and his family is accepting or at least coming to the point where they are ok with it. He and I talked last night and he kept saying that he doesnt want to be gay. He hates the fact the he is. He is scared the people with think different about him. That they will not treat him like they normaly do ( like now when they think he's straight). I know how he feels cause I have been there and am some what in that area still. But I dont know how to help him accept the fact that he is gay. He keeps hanging on to the fact that one day he will have a wife and kids. I keep telling him that he can still have kids and be happy but that he just might have a husband and not a wife. When I said that he said that he felt sick. That just the thought of it made him want to loss it. I dont know what to do here other than what I did for myself.

    Does any one have some advice here? This is the first time that I have tried to help some one accept them self and I want him to be happy again. Can any one help here?
     
  2. Chip

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    You've told him most everything that one could logically say. You can point him here, though... sometimes hearing it from multiple people helps a lot, and in particular, seeing a bunch of happy and well adjusted people in a community like this will help him to see that he can find a place and be happy.

    Also, remember that depression (grief) is the last stage before acceptance in the 5 stages of loss. It sounds like he's moving back and forth between that and the anger and bargaining stages ("I don't want this"[anger] and "Maybe I can still have a wife"[bargaining]) so he's definitely moving forward even if it's tough.

    If you can get him to join here and post, that's probably the best thing for him. Other than that, you might see if there's an LGBT center or support group in your area he could attend, but i"m guessing that would be a stretch.
     
  3. sanguine

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    i dont think you can help him at all, it is something he has to figure out himself, all you can do is tell him your own experiences and hope he gets it some day.
     
  4. Marlowe

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    I am sort of fascinated by the idea that he thinks he can have a wife and kids in spite of these feelings. I too felt this way once, but I have no clue now why I thought it would ever work. It really was delusional, and yet it was something I firmly believed for about seven years. So go figure, I am not sure exactly how someone might have convinced me otherwise.

    Chip is probably right. Time is what he needs in order to come to his conclusion on his own. I doubt that any single person can convince him that it will work out, but that is why EC is so awesome -- you get to read the stories of other LGBT people and see that things do turn out well and also find others who are struggling. I might suggest not only talking to him about the website if you have a chance, but also sending him link in an email that way he can take it or leave it and remain anonymous even from you if he so wishes.
     
  5. Hidinginalabama

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    He also told me that no one had ever talk to him about being gay and hating himself. He has never had anyone ask how he felt on the subject or what was going on in his life. And thanks guys. I just want to help him as best as I can so that he doesnt have to go through all the things I did. I know how hard it can be.
     
  6. Doctor Faustus

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    You know Socrates once said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

    Your friend needs to look himself in the eye and meet his reflection face-to-face and ask himself whether he wants to be happy the way he is or live in constant denial. He needs to realise that being gay doesn't make him any less of a man. It doesn't make him "worth" any less. His dignity and value as a human being doesn't need to suffer.

    Who you sleep with should be the least important part of yourself: it's who you are inside, and how you treat yourself and others, that is most important. (I could do with remembering this too more often.)

    Your friend needs to know that being gay is NOT a human failing. Who cares if others decide to judge you for it? What matters is that for every person who judges, there are countless others who won't. The ones who aren't swayed by prejudice are those he needs to keep as mates. The rest can bugger off to oblivion.