Okay, so basically my whole family and all my friends are super-conservaitve Christians. I live near Seattle, used to live near Portland, but somehow all the people I know are really conservative lol. I have known I liked girls since I was about 8 years old, I used to make my barbies make out with eachother and the first time I kissed a boy, I nearly thew up, so Im positive that I am gay. Haha. However I know this would devastate my family, in particular my aunt and uncle who raised me, they are like my parents and I love them with all my heart. We have had discussions about gay people in the past and my uncle is a little more like, "whatever, just don't do it aroundme" but my aunt is like, "no one is really gay, its a sin, its wrong", etc etc. And I go along with it. In the past I have said some really homophobic things because I feel like everyone can tell and I want to make sure they think that Im straight. Sometimes I try to convince myself Im straight and repress my feeling,but it never lasts, I try to date guys, It is just not happening. This is really starting to bother me. I feeel so selfish because I know it would upset a lot of people who love me if I told them. I think maybe I should just pretend to be straight,get married, have a family, and suck it up..I mean a lot of gay people do it.. maybe it's the less selfish thing to do? Idk.. It would make them really happy, theyre always like, we cant wait til you get married, have kids, etc etc. and it just sucks because I Want them to be proud of me. I htae myself for this..I keep thinking did something bad happen in my childhood etc etc.. my dad passed away and I just think that he would be so disappointed in me, I cant do this anymore, I feel like i will never be able to live the life I Want or be happy. I feel like I have two options: I am doomed to live a lie the rest of my life ..., or live a life of misery without my family. I don't want to loose them. I dont want to lose my friends either. I wish they knew I am still the same person. I am really starting to get depressed because I feel like no one really knows me, and if they really knew me they would be disgusteddd :icon_sad: And also one tie my friend told me even gay thoughts are a sin. So I was like, great, even if I pretend to be straight, Im Doomed. I have prayed to God to make me straight practically begging him. and it doesn't work. Sorry about this long and depressing post but I just had to vent amd I have no one to talk to about it
Praying to god won't do jack. I know. I am in the almost identical situation as you - if I were to come out as trans to my parents, the relationship we do have would be ruined; my dad could not handle it. The best you can do is prove your life is a success otherwise; good career etc. And, when you do find that someone; well, you'll find your path then. So yes, I do know. And you are not alone; not here at least. -hugs-
I can relate to what you feel because I've felt/feel almost the exact same way. I want my family to be proud of me. They always tell me how they can't wait for me to get married with a good woman and have a ton of children. I know my parents would never fully accept me, because they are pretty old fashioned and living in a small town in a homophobic country doesn't help. So I felt I was doomed too, that I would just have to marry a woman and live a false life, hiding who I really am. But then I started thinking that it's not fair. It's not my fault I'm gay, I don't even have a problem with being gay, so why should I ruin my life to live up to someone else's standards? I realized that I have the right to be happy. I know that you want to make your family proud, but its more important to make yourself proud of who you are. Think, what would the 80 year old version of me think of the life I'm choosing to live? Would you be happy or proud if you married a man and lived a life you felt uncomfortable with? I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to be selfish and do what is best for you. Because you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to live a fulfilling life, one that makes you proud.
