I'm recently came out to my parents as being trans. The thing is that, while they were mostly supportive, they keep referring to me by birthname and female pronouns. I don't know how to talk to them about it and they don't ask me questions; it's like I never came out. I literally have no one to talk about this with and I have this thing were I shut myself away from people to avoid being called by birthname and generally be perceived as female, so I've been in my room for like three days bumming around and avoiding everyone. Any advice on what I could say to them or do? Has anyone here gone through something similar?
Just ask them to stop calling you a girl and ask them to call you by your real name. You are a boy and you should be called a boy.
I would just say something like "I'm glad you guys had a positive reaction when I came out to you as trans, but I wish you would stop using my birth name and female pronouns, because it makes me uncomfortable. One of the reasons I told you was because I would like to start living as a man and express my true self, and part of starting that includes being called the correct name and pronouns." However, since it seems you just came out a few days ago, I'd let it be for now. When I came out, my father claimed he would never call me "he" or the male name I had picked, but about a month later, he was regularly (attempting) to do so, without me saying anything about it. He still slips on the pronouns about a year and a half later, but surprisingly not the name. At any rate, it's rare for him to slip. If I were you, I would just let that go on for a while. They are still trying to process what you told them, and according to what I've heard many parents describe it as, they're probably mourning the "loss" of their daughter right now. So I guess all you need to do is be patient. If, after a couple months, they're still not acknowledging things, you might want to speak up... maybe ask them to read a book or attend a support group like PFLAG, if you feel it'd be helpful.
My parents did that for a long time. It seriously sucked, and made me feel physically sick. Anyway, they are probably falling into habitual patterns, which they are not entirely aware of doing, and that coupled with a feeling that they've lost the person the perceived as their daughter makes things pretty confusing. Thats what my parents said when I finally talked to them. I didn't really believe it, and I still don't understand how their minds work, but still... It still amazes me that someone could put their peace of mind above the needs of a transperson, needs which (unless you count financial support), really aren't to much to ask. The thing is, you haven't asked. Not since you came out, and they won't have taken everything in then. And staying in your room may help you avoid them, but it doesn't help them change until you tell them what they're doing wrong. Talking to them is really awkward, I know, but its the only way out of this. Find a time that they are together, and relaxed. After dinner is good, but not during. Just tell them that their actions and words have been hurting you, and that you know its probably not intentional, but they need to know you are serious about being trans, and that you are going to have to ask them to refer to you appropriately. Also tell them that you are open to questions - the fact that you've been avoiding them probably makes them think that you're avoiding questions. You may want to mention that you have a right to privacy as well, so that they don't ask you about genitalia or anything (which my parents did. urg) If things don't go well, then you may have to tell them that you'll carry on ignoring them, but don't do that unless you think they're going to refuse. If you want, I can also talk to you about other trans-related stuff or questions you may have. And I really hope they come around to calling you by male pronouns and your male name.
I see that now, I was just asking because I'm unsure of how to handle it. I've never been much of a people person and that doesn't help
like a flower, you are beautiful. like a flower, you must wilt when it gets cold out in order to survive until summer when you can sprout up and show the world once again how beautiful you are. and like a flower you are part male part female. Embrace who you are. It's okay to change yourself as long as its for yourself. ...and if they don't like to the way you smell or look and try to cut you down, just stick out your thorns and stab in the ass
my parents are doing the same thing, it's always birth name and female pronouns... I wish they'd switch what they're using, it's been over two years since I came out (and that wasn't my first time coming out)
Sometimes people without a lot of experience in this area have no idea how much it can hurt to be referred to by the wrong name and pronoun. Tell them how it feels and what you need. Be respectful and use "I" statements so they don't feel attacked or like you're blaming them for hurting you. Tell them that it would mean a lot to you if they would start using the proper pronouns. Reassure them that you won't be upset if they screw up once and a while as long as they are trying.
