Ok so this is strange. Three weeks ago I never thought that I would come out. I never thought I could even fathom it. Then out of know where I stumble upon youtube videos of coming out stories. I watched and watched for days...and was tired of living a lie to my friends. Then yesterday out of know where I decided I was going to tell three close friends. In my head I was freaking out, my heart was racing, and I could not believe that I was even considering it. I was actually going to admit to someone other than myself that I was gay. It really freaked me out. The first person I told was my friend Kim....and when I say told I mean typed on a note pad and then handed there the computer. Then I told two other friends. All three were cool with it. Two friends had lots of questions, the other just did not care. I was preparing for this DRAMATIC response, but alas NOTHING but questions. Not sure what all the hype was about....but here in lies the problem.... Two things Family and Co-workers....I can not seem to muster up the courage. Like I said my body seemed to do more than my heart last night...it was moving faster than my brain could stop me. The tension off of me was incredible and I felt proud...but then I instantly feared telling my family and what they would think and my co-workers. At work to "cover up" I have fabricated this LIE of a girlfriend, and do not want to tell them...and my family...well I have no clue how they will react. THEN on top of everything. After last night...all day to day I keep thinking am I gay? Did I do that. Is this normal? For years I have said ok your gay....and then I say it to someone and then doubt it. HA HA. WTH is up with that. I am 24 and just need to hear some reassuring words or be slapped in the face or something...cause this just not seem real...what was I thinking?
First off, congrats! You should be happy. You told your friends, and nobody had any problems with it. It really can't get much better than that. Now, onto your problem. You DO NOT have to tell anybody you don't want to, nor do you have to tell them at any specific time. You tell who you want, when you want to, when it feels right to you. Don't pressure yourself (badly) into doing anything you aren't ready for. I only say "badly" because sometimes a little "good" pressure can be enough to push us past that barrier stopping us from telling people when we really are ready, but too afraid to make ourselves do it. For me, before I came out to anyone I decided I was going to accept it. Once I managed to accept it (by this I don't mean necessarily be happy about it, but be okay with it being just a fact of my life), I told myself I wasn't going to lie about it. I didn't necessarily have to tell anyone, but I wasn't going to lie to cover it up. This seemed to help me adjust to "living" as a gay person, if that makes any sense. Nobody really knew, but I knew, and that was what mattered, as it helped me grow slightly more comfortable with it over time, enough to start coming out to people. So, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably start by remedying my lies. Next time someone asks or it comes up in conversation, end your fake relationship with your fake girlfriend. That leaves you as single, and then what you tell them from there is up to you. You can leave them thinking you're living as single, which they likely won't question, and isn't a lie (since you ARE single). It helps to relieve a little bit of the guilt you experience being closeted in my opinion. And... welcome to EC!
Thanks. I actually do get what you are saying.... ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2012 at 08:15 PM ---------- and I appreciate your advice. Thanks for this form. Just curious....is there more on this site that helps with what do with now your out type of thing. I mean dating and things. I know that sounds pathetic...but in this small town...it was not like I had this secret life. I just knew I was gay but do not know how to go from there. I feel like a 13 year old going on a date again with a girl when I "KNEW" I was straight. Is there something to subdue this akward feeling...or is it just ripping the band-aid off thing?
Congrats! I wish I had the courage to come out to my friends. I don't really have anything else to add since BudderMC pretty much said what I was thinking.
Thanks Duriru- I still can not believe I did it. I feel more in denial that yesterday was a dream. My heart still is racing beyond control.
