I've been away from here a while, but then a situation arose at home that made me think to look to yis all here for advice. I started coming out in November 2008, aged 22. Told my sister soon after that. She immediately told me she was bi. She had a boyfriend at the time, and had a more long-lasting relationship with a boy after. They broke up early last year after about two years together. More recently, she's spoken more and more with some of our lesbian friends about liking women, and I definitely get the impression that's more dominant for her now. Last Sunday, I had lunch with her, and she told me that recently, on a night I was out, my parents said that they wondered why we had to be so interested in gay rights. They'd overheard us talking with one of her gay girl friends about Kurt and Santana in Glee. They said they'd noticed she had a lot of gay friends, and when my father pressed her on it, she told them she thought of herself as bi. They were seemingly quite sarcastic about it; when she mentioned our college is quite gay-friendly, they said they should have sent her to the other one. They said logically contradictory things, that not all gay people like gay marriage, so we shouldn't see it as an issue to campaign on, and then my mother said she was sad my sister might not be straight, because she was looking forward to her wedding. It hasn't come up again since then. My sister lives on campus, is in final year, so they're more likely to talk about her plans for next year when she's home. She gets on well in many respects, and has a good group of friends, she told a group of four of them, all gay girls of what my mother had said. Effectively that she thinks they're a bad influence on her, or something. Strange thing is that wasn't the reaction I got. I was almost surprised how quickly they adapted to the idea. I'm not sure with her whether it's a case of one a misfortune, two being carelessness (a Wilde line that keeps coming up when any of us talk about it), or that my mother is fine with a gay son but not a gay daughter. Any thoughts? And thanks for reading and of your comments.
Huh. That's strange. Maybe your mom thinks that because your sister came out as bisexual it's a mere phase, since girls who come out as a bi are usually a) straight or b) gay, but still coming to terms with it. Not saying bisexual girls don't exist--I just think that it's become kind of trendy for girls to call themselves bi even if they aren't. It's much more socially acceptable for a girl to be bi than a guy, so a lot of girls throw it out there that they're bi without thinking much about it. It also garners male attention. And a lot of the time, these "bi" turn out to be straight. (Or gay.) So maybe your mom thinks that, because she confessed to being bisexual, it's just a phase and that she'll, I dunno, "come around" as straight. Or maybe because your mom is a woman she thinks it's gross for two women to be together but for two men to be together, it isn't, since she is attracted to men. Same thing with straight guys--it's fine for two girls to be together, but two guys? Ew! :/ And not all gay people are in favor of gay marriage, just sayin'. A lot of radical queers don't support gay marriage because they view it as being assimilated into straight society and they don't want to be assimilated into a society which values the normative construct of marriage. They also view it as an apology to straight people--"we can get married too, look how normal we are!"
I think it could be any one of those things. Maybe she thinks she's trying to fit in with a lot of the gay girls in our group of friends. Or maybe she doesn't like the idea of another woman around the family. She's quite matriarchal. Sure I know there are gay people not in favour of marriage, that it was was a minority demand among gay activists till the 1990s. But my parents have decided to use that against her (and me by implication, though she's never said this to me), to say that we shouldn't bother campaigning for equality.
First of all: I wondered where you disappeared to! Nice to see you found your way back! I think it might also be a bit of a double standard here. On multiple levels Even fairly liberal people can sometimes still hold a bit of those. - Men just are more easily assumed to know what they're doing and being able to take care of themselves, even if it straddles expectations a bit. While girls are seen as somewhat mre vulnerable or in need of more guidance. Okay, the situation isn't as bad as in our grandparents' days, but I still see some of that in how my male and female friends were treated. compared to the boys, the girls seemed to be showered in "be careful" and "are you sure you know what you're doing?" - Bisexuals have it harder in the "just try to be straight" arena. Could be your mom is latching on to that. I'm pretty sure my own mom would have played that card on me had I kept any possibility of bisexuality open: "sure, same sex might work for you, but you'd have a much more easy life if you tried to just fit in, even if that means not acting when you're attracted to someone of the same gender!" Your parents want you to be happy in the end, but they inevitably have ideas of what strategies might work. Being straight worked for them, so some parents are going to try pushing that "safe route" as long as there's the remotest chance of it working. - Straight relationships seem to give parents ideas of "aww, how romantic". While gay relationships seem to make them jump to "wait, you're going to have gay sex?" It's already tough for parents to deal with the idea of their kids having a sexual side, and sometimes it's even worse to imagine their little girl than they little boy with such a side to them. And last but not least: they migh have used the idea of your sister being straight as a bit of a coping mechanism to accept you being gay. (or at least that's what I did to come out to myself: use the idea that my brother was still straight as some kind of "permission" to be gay). Gave them the idea that there was still a traditional wedding and grandkids forthcoming, and that they didn't totally overlook both kids being anything other than straight. All in all... it might not be as bad as it looks. Their initial reaction might be less than supportive, but that's probably just the shock speaking. But that was only a few weeks ago. They managed to be accepting once, and they'll manage it again, and possibly even faster than it seems now.
Thanks for the welcome back Filip! This was all this month, the last two weeks. Looking through your answer, I suppose it shouldn't be surprising that there might be a difference. They could just have been aware of the vague possibility that they might have a gay child, even if they'd never suspected it of me, just in the general way. But to have two is a whole other story. In terms of telling others, which at some point they'll end up doing. It's not one case, but "oh, she's gay as well". More likely that others will notice, think something of it. Even if in a benign way. I think they can get to a point where they realise it doesn't actually matter, but they're not there yet. There's been nothing in any respect, but I'll check back on this if they're still obstinate. And I'll be on and off here now that I've dropped in again!
