What's a stronger word for confused?

Color me completely confused.

I will start by saying this is the first time I have ever posted on a site like this; even though it's pretty much anonymous I already feel like I am anxiety over it which just goes to show that this is something bothering me.

I guess what I probably need is people to talk to; maybe people who can relate and understand me. And without the major issues which would arise by telling someone I am close with -- since me myself, I don't even know what I would say.

So to really tell my story, I think I will begin at the very beginning -- so all the facts are laid out and maybe it will help me feel better or maybe there will be someone who can relate to my situation and give me some insight or maybe meet someone to chat with.

I was always different from my brothers; that was a given. I am the middle child in a family of three boys. Now right from the time I was young I wasn't interested in the same things as them and that always set me apart; making me feel distant. I never felt any sort of closeness with them because of this -- looking back now I question of whether or not this was an early sign... my not being able to relate with two people I am related to. As a boy I loved girls, I think i had my first "girlfriend" by the time I was 4/5 if you can call it that and had my first kiss/topless makeout session by 10/11. I felt attracted to girls, but I also related to them more in a friend way... over boys.

Junior high came and this is where the confusion began. Obviously like any boy, masturbation started. Innocently enough it started with whatever means of porn I could get my hands on. It wasn't until it had been going on for a while that I realized my focus during my sessions was more pertaining to the man and what he was doing in the scene. I wasn't blind to the woman, I just seemed to take particular note of the men -- how they looked, what they were doing. At first I thought I was idolization -- I wanted to be like them, but then I started to question this.

When I got to grade seven me and my bestfriend started engaging in, I guess questionable behavior lol. It started in our mutual interest on whether or not each other masturbated. Then it turned into watching "blue night" lite porn together. Then for a short period of time, prob a couple of months, we started masturbating in the same room to porn. We never touched each other but we did get brave enough to take a look at each others gear at a couple points. Oddly this never confused me, I wasn't attracted to him it just felt normal.

Eventually when I was about 16/17 I found gay porn. My friends had a link to one of those sites with like various short vids and put on a gay one as a joke one day. I went back to the site later and then started my gay porn masturbation. This lasted frequently for a year or two. I was sure I was gay and I was terrified of what it would mean. Clearly, in my mind, if I were masturbating watching guys I had to be gay no questions asked. Then I met my girlfriend. I started dating her when I was 17, this was when I first had sex. At first of course I had hesitations because I thought I wouldn't be able to perform. I surprised myself -- not only was I heavily attracted to her I loved having sex with a woman and pleasuring a woman in every way. I fell in love and we dated for a few years. I couldn't believe it really, in my mind... if I could have sex with a woman and enjoy it this much... I was straight.

So by the time I was 21 I had already flip-flopped on my sexuality twice. At two specific points I was sure I was one or the other. It only gets more confusing for me from here.

After we broke up I was heart broken -- its been a couple years and I am still heartbroken in someways, she was my first real love. I went back to masturbating to all sorts of porn -- gay/straight. As of more recently it became predominately gay again until everything changed this summer.

I was back home and in the area of a cruising area I guess it is called. After the bar one night, I left our hotel for a walk and headed in that direction. Low and behold I wasn't there for 2 mins and I had a guy wanting to pick me up. I obliged. We had a hookup there in the park, the first time I was ever sexual with a man -- but there was no penetrative sex. The next day I felt hugely regretful; not only for doing what I had done with a man but the fact it was completely random too (I would feel the same way about the randomness with a chick I met in a park too)

Now fast forward a couple months. I have posted and answered ads on craigslist for "buddies". The first couple were nothing serious, just minor sexual encounters until the most recent one. Just in December I had sex with a man for the first time and I also thoroughly enjoyed this. So once again I flip flopped and decided I had to be gay then.

It's kind of an ongoing thing with this guy now, just a couple times but here lies in the problem. Since this has started I've found a new found love in straight porn again?

I am completely and totally confused. I know this was ramble but -- I don't know what the hell is going on in my mind, I feel like I am crazy at best. I know I could be bisexual but that just doesn't make sense. In some ways I feel like I am simply sexually attracted to men and then emotionally attracted to women. I am living a lie -- I hate lying, even small white lies so it kills me to lie about where I am when I am hooking up with my buddy. I feel lost. Lately I have been having a hard time sleeping and eating and functioning as a human, lol, as crazy as that sounds. I hate when I cant figure myself out and right now I am totally lost. Is this denial, am I one or the other or do I like a little of both I don't know? And then I would be happy living in obscurity if I didn't have to feel so closeted about it.... but on the other side of the coin I just can't imagine telling ANYONE I know -- not even ppl who I know suspect something and would be supportive. Is there any general or specific advice anyone could give?

ps: I started right this feeling like I couldn't breathe, already by the end I feel about 60% more relaxed than I have in a while so maybe it is all about getting it out of my body, lol. I don't know

 

Thanks for the post.

I am so unsure myself -- I guess the likely answer is bi, I just never thought such a thing could exist. I always believed you had to be one or the other so I guess it is weird to find yourself in that position. But maybe that is why I always believed that, because I was trying to hide what I truly was. Either way I am confused.

Thanks for the offer for chat -- I may just take you up on that! I am liking this place already -- still figuring out the ropes though

 

I have heard of this scale before; It seems reasonable to me since I feel like I am stuck somewhere in the limbo. The oddity of it all for me is it all can change, for me, so quickly. It is really like one minute one thing, one minute another. I have like split sexuality personalities which is hard to deal with.

The reason I am trying to figure it out and the reason I feel a huge amount of stress and anxiety I believe is because I don't feel like I fit anywhere and thats suffocating for me. Is it weird to feel not straight enough to hang with straight friends, but not gay enough to hang with gay people? I mean I have straight and gay friends but not the same group and at times I can feel detached when I am with either group.

I don't know. I am really confused, I figured by the time I hit 25 I would have myself figured out. But someone else suggested that sexuality is fluid and ever changing so who knows. I wish there weren't titles necessarily because I am trying to fit one but can't find the right fit

 

Thanks for all the support everyone.

The past two months have been the most confusing months of my life.

I have another sort of question/statement or something for opinions on. My whole thing is; no matter what I decide be it gay or bisexual I would never be able to come out to my parents. I live in another province then them so it's not necessary for me to see them frequently so they wouldn't ever catch me or anything. Honestly I know they would both love me no matter who I am -- that's just who they are. I just couldn't bare to disappoint them; especially Dad. Like any son I have strived my whole life to make him proud of me. When I was younger we didn't have much in common and it was hard for us to relate. It has only been in recent years we have finally developed a great father/son relationship -- I went from being a momma's boy as a kid to def being a little closer to my father now. Although we had nothing in common and he could never really relate to me he is proud of everything I've been able to do for myself because I have done a lot of it on my own (ie school, work, move, etc). I know he would accept it but I also know it would break a piece of him. So if by chance I do end up in a relationship with a man I will most likely keep it for myself.

That is feasible right -- it's not like there is a rule stating it is a must to share with your parents?